


After All

by ChillaxKass



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blood, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Death, Comrades, Death, Dissociative Identity Disorder, F/M, Falling In Love, Female Reader, Fluff and Angst, Forbidden Love, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Getting to Know Each Other, Memories, Mutual Pining, POV Third Person, Reader-Insert, Reminiscing, Self-Reflection, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Spoilers, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts, Survivor Guilt, Will see Reader's POV later on
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:15:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 34
Words: 50,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23881423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChillaxKass/pseuds/ChillaxKass
Summary: [Immediate spoilers for those who haven't read up to around chapter 100 of the manga][Summary is vague because of said spoilers][TW: Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts]-Happiness seems impossible for Reiner, but he may get there after all.
Relationships: Reiner Braun/Reader
Comments: 157
Kudos: 885





	1. Chapter 1

A loaded rifle, a chair, four walls…

Those, he decided, would be the last things he truly saw in the world. 

How he loathed walls!

If he could destroy every wall in the world, he would. 

As he turned off the safety and turned the rifle toward himself, Reiner stiffened in his chair. Danger, even in his final moments, still bore a reaction from him, after all. The cold metal of the barrel tasted like blood in his mouth. How ironic was it that the bringer of death tasted of life. He closed his eyes, but it didn’t bring closure. 

Is this what they mean when they say your life flashes before your eyes before death? 

_She’d hate him for this._

_Those eyes…_

_No more tears…_

He opened his eyes, staring at the wall before him. It bore no resemblance to those walls he was behind for so many years, yet it stood for the same idea. 

Happiness within walls was fleeting. 

He’d learned that time and time again, yet…

_His comrades._

He stared at his hand, extended, thumb toward the trigger… no safety. 

_Not his comrades._

_Warriors._

He dropped his hand, selfishly wanting to reminisce again. He could never get away from those memories. 


	2. M1

Standing, fist over heart with so many people, Reiner felt conflicted. Fist over heart: proof the others were living, breathing beings with the same anatomy. They were all the enemy, yet he stood within their ranks as if he’d been born alongside them. He might as well have been; he was introduced to a new world, after all. Despite this confliction, he knew his place in this world, and he was in tune with his goals. He was going to complete the mission that brought him within these Walls and return to his own walls a hero. His mother was waiting; he wouldn’t let her wait long.

Becoming a soldier was only a gateway to this goal. Technically speaking, even these  _ devils  _ were using this as a gateway: to heaven, or, more accurately,  _ hell _ . For what? To get beyond the Walls? What a sad goal; they didn’t even know what was out there. 

But, he had to admit, he had the same goal. 

He wanted out of walls: out of these Walls, to get to his family; out of the walls at home, to a comfortable life; out of the confines of his own mind, to happiness. 

So, focusing on the commonality in goals to feign familiarity, Reiner stared Keith Shadis down, asserting his goal of saving humanity. 

He didn’t need to imply  _ they _ were the  _ devils _ . 

That’d only complicate things. 

He didn’t have time for complications. He’d taken on the role of leader after Marcel’s sacrifice ( _ keep calling it a sacrifice; that gives it value _ ); he’d taken on Marcel. He needed quick wit and foresight to achieve his goals. He needed to get his comrades home. He needed to develop a hidden hatred for these foes he stood beside. 

When he and Bertholdt sat down in the mess hall that first night, he made sure to not look at Annie, as much as he wanted to see how she fared. So, he looked across from him, and he found a girl. She didn’t have the air of Annie, a hardened Warrior. She looked weak, out of her element. He didn’t get why a girl like her would join the army. 

“What’s your name?”

He didn’t expect her to speak to him, but he recovered quickly. “Reiner Braun.” His voice was hard, unwelcoming. He could tell she didn’t expect such a cold demeanor, but she needed a wakeup call. From beside him, Bertholdt introduced himself. 

“(f/n) (l/n).” She went back to stirring her soup, and a commotion broke out behind her. 

A group of kids were surrounding Eren Yeagar, and he was answering their repetitive questions about that day in Shiganshina. One of the crowd asked about the Armored Titan, and Reiner picked up his mug to feign disinterest. If only they knew the culprit sat not even a table away. 

“I’m glad they’re not questioning me,” came (f/n)’s voice again. She’d huffed an unamused laugh into her own mug, her eyes trained on her half eaten soup. The neverending questions continued on behind Reiner’s back, but his ears were focused forward.

“What do you mean?” Bertholdt asked her.

“I was there too.” Her answer was simple, but the weight there was anything but. Reiner heard his companion almost choke on his soup.

“You were?”

“Yeah, but I’d rather not talk about it.” Her eyes were hard, but not for Bertholdt, not for Reiner. 

_ Actually, maybe it was for them. _

“Sorry.” Reiner could have laughed at Bertholdt’s response. The double meaning there was heavy between the two, but the girl had no idea. She was clueless, and Reiner didn’t know if that angered him or what. He honestly had no idea how to feel in that situation.

_ Maybe that meant he was clueless too. _

“Don’t apologize,” she smiled. How could she smile? Literally and figuratively and everything in between,  _ how could she smile in such a situation?  _

He didn’t understand her at all, and he didn’t plan on it as the bell outside rang. She gave a goodbye, as did they, but his held finality in his mind. Complications like her ruined everything.


	3. M2

It was a few days before he saw her again. To be transparent, he hadn’t expected her to last past those first days, but surprises were referred to as such for a reason. She happened to sit across from him again, and she greeted him and Bertholdt as if they were friends; they weren’t. Reiner only nodded in response. He didn’t need any more complications. Eren was already plaguing his mind. 

“How have you guys been?”

“We’ve been well. What about you?” He silently thanked Bertholdt for taking on the conversation.

“Stressed,” she laughed. “I heard we’re doing hand to hand combat tomorrow, and that’s a world away from the 3dmg training for me. I’ve never had to fight anyone.”

Of course she’d never fought anyone. She was clueless, ignorant to an entire world, an entire existence other than her own. The only issues in her life had been created years ago; Reiner was sure of it. He’d pushed her out of her precious comfortable life within Walls, all to get out of walls and to his own. Ignorance is hell, and  _ devils  _ live in it. 

“Well, Reiner is actually really good at hand to hand. Isn’t that right?” Bertholdt’s eyes vexed him as soon as they met his. Silent thanks gave way to silent loathing.

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“See, so he could help you!” Loathing was an understatement in that moment.

When he met her eyes, he could see that she hesitated. “That’d be great, but only if he wants to.” He sighed. A rock and a hard place, Bertholdt and a mission. Complications were understated as well.

“Sure.”

Sure, he’d take her down and show her how cruel the world really was to devils like her.


	4. M3

She was weak. He could see it when she was across from him. Her posture was all wrong; she couldn’t defend herself like that. 

_ He was weak once.  _

_ Still was.  _

“Hey, more like this,” he said as he demonstrated the stance he’d practiced so many times. Feet shoulder-width apart, shoulders relaxed, arms forward, hands tense, and fingers curled. It’d taken him years to get it right, but he learned eventually. Maybe she would learn too.

_ Why was he helping her again? _

_...Would Marcel have helped her? _

_ Big brother Marcel, always helping.  _

_ Little Reiner, always failing.  _

“Is this better?” The determined look in her eyes settled his opinion in an instant. How could he hurt someone like that? Someone so determined to do well, to better her weak self. She had a goal. He saw himself in her, saw little Reiner in Warrior training. The look in her eyes held a different weight than his did, though; he was sure of that. She was determined, and she was confident in her determination. She looked ready to do anything to succeed, just as Eren had when he failed at balancing. 

_ And, yet again, how could he snuff that out? _

Besides, three years in the training camp made room for feigned friendship. If they didn’t make friends, they’d be more suspicious. It wasn’t bad to help her. It was a strategy. 

_ Just as well, it made him feel necessary.  _

_ Like a hero.  _

“Yeah, that’s great.”

Yeah, he couldn’t trample a smile like that, even on a devil’s face. 


	5. M4

He decided to fit in as well as he could for the sake of the mission. He helped everyone who asked. Eren, with his balancing; (f/n), with her hand to hand combat; Armin, with his 3dmg skills. The list went on. Perhaps it was atonement, apology, a resolution for the necessary evil he’d enacted in their quaint world. He knew he shouldn’t give it meaning, but he felt better in a position of leadership. It was as if he was reborn as a soldier, given a second chance. Failure, as inevitable as it had been for little Reiner, was few and far between for the Reiner within the Walls. The new dynamic was a welcome one, as it came with added security. No one would question the aim of a person who selflessly helped others. 

_ (Keep telling yourself that.) _

He felt an instant draw to (f/n) after that first day of hand to hand training. Perhaps it was the piece of himself he saw in her; perhaps it was her determination. Whatever the pull, it was there. He decided to follow it on the same grounds of selfish selflessness, but even he knew it was an unnecessary bond he was creating. That idea went to the back of his mind, along with every tragic thought he didn’t care for. 

His group was at the mercy of time. They had to wait three years to get to the Interior; there was no way around it. It would be an agonizing three years without human interaction. Bertholdt had figured that out, and so had he. Annie could do her own thing. He decided to take advantage of the cards he was dealt. His lost childhood would thank him.

He had no idea about his future’s opinion, though. 


	6. M5

Bertholdt took to (f/n) just as Reiner did, conversing with the two at every meal and time of leisure. They always talked lightheartedly, about the positives of the day’s training and how to improve the next. Lightheartedness was so unfamiliar, so welcome. Bertholdt had told him to be wary of her; he told him he knew as much, but she was a good person.

_ Person? _

After the first month, the two started meeting up at night to talk about everything: the day, the past, their future, their worries. As clueless as he believed her to be, he recognized the same thing in himself. He had no idea why he’d followed her there the first night, and he surely had no clue what brought him back to those same banks over and over again. That draw was so palpable; he fought it, but it fought harder. At some point, he gave up. The lake called evermore.

They’d sneaked to the lake just outside the barracks for their usual late night talk, and he’d noticed something solemn in her expression. The way the moonlight disappeared in the creases between her brows… He’d seen that look many times. She was troubled. So, as they seated themselves upon the sand, he stayed silent. He was aware that troubles that cause expressions like that had to come out on their own. His legs were tucked beneath him in a criss-cross position, hers sprawled out toward the water. She seemed so transfixed by the water. 

“What’s your goal, Reiner?” She asked as she tossed in a stone. His breath hitched in his throat; his eyebrows furrowed. She couldn’t have known the multitude of questions she’d just asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Where do you go after training?”

“Oh,” he looked away, tension subsiding, “hopefully to the MP and as close to the interior as possible.” She didn’t need to know why. 

She nodded. “I see. So you want a comfortable life.”

“I guess you could say that. Just need better scores, though.” Of course he wanted a comfortable life, for him and for his family. That’s why he became a Warrior; that’s why he was there in the first place. 

“You deserve it, Reiner.” Leaning back to stare up at the stars, she smiled. “You’re one of my only friends here, probably the best one. I want you to achieve your dreams, so I’ll help you train and study and anything else to get to the MP.” A laugh escaped her. “I doubt you really need my help though.”

Reiner didn’t know what to say. He’d never expected someone to help him within the Walls, no hesitation. No ulterior motives, no falsities of any kind. It was perplexing. Her words challenged every judgment he’d placed on her.

_ You deserve it, Reiner.  _

“Really? That’d be great, (f/n).” When he looked up again, he realized something. “Where do you plan on going?”

“As fun as going to the MP sounds, I want to join the Survey Corps.”

“Why?”

“Because I want to know what’s outside these walls.” She sighed. The water’s reflection in her eyes mesmerized Reiner. They seemed so alive; so, so alive. Could the devil really hide behind those eyes? He didn’t know. He’d never seen the devil in himself, either, but he’d been told it was there so many times, he had to believe it. He didn’t particularly care if it was in her eyes because he saw something else there. He could overlook evil for now.

_ She believed in him, after all.  _


	7. M6

“Nice one, (f/n)!”

Reiner could pick up on her name anywhere, even flying through the trees. She must have made a good cut in that last Titan. He felt proud of her. She possessed an aptitude for flying through the air, one he barely didn’t equal. As he swooped down toward his own standee, he reminded himself to focus on his own performance too. If he continued to push himself, he’d prove himself as leader of his group and as a soldier. Two goals at the end of one road. So, he spun through the air, falling at a high speed, and made a near perfect cut in the foam at the Titan’s nape. 

_ Do they know what’s in the nape? _

A gunshot resounded through the trees, and he made his way back to the starting point. He didn’t want to deal with thoughts pertaining to his mission for the moment, so he painted a grin on his face and walked over to the group he’d become acquainted with. Jean was fighting with Eren over their Titan kills; Sasha was complaining that they should hurry to the mess hall; Connie was speaking to Bertholdt about their own kills; Mikasa and Armin were trying to pry Eren off Jean; Marco was doing the same to Jean; Ymir was laughing at their stupidity; Krista was talking to (f/n) as they put away their swords and made their way to the group as well. 

As soon as (f/n) saw Reiner, she ran over to his side. The grin on her face was contagious, like a plague. “How many did you get?”

“Thirty.”

Her eyes lit up at that, and he thought she was going to praise him, so his chest puffed out a bit. The air was knocked out, though, when she exclaimed, “Thirty two! Looks like you’ll have to work harder to beat me!” 

“Don’t get cocky,” he frowned. Of course she beat him again. He’d become familiar with losing in his fifteen years of life, but it never stung any less. In any case, he’d push himself harder.

_ At least it was to her, though.  _

“Well, I think I can be a little cocky. From what I’ve heard, I got the second most kills,” her grin widened exponentially. “You got third!” If that was true, that meant he outdid Annie and Bertholdt and reaffirmed his position at the helm. His own grin widened, and he ruffled his friend’s hair. 

_ Friend? _

“Looks like that extra practice is paying off. Thanks, (f/n).” His thanks was true; she had been true to her word, training with him after hours almost every day of the week. It was a mutual symbiotic relationship.

_ Only that. _

At those words, she nodded, but it faded into a pout. “You’re welcome, but it needs to pay off faster. I still suck at hand to hand. I heard we’re training with the knives again tomorrow…”

“Don’t worry. We’ll get you on par with me at some point, if that’s possible,” he laughed. She shoved him and started to walk toward the mess hall, her nose in the air. Reiner could only laugh more as he caught up with her. “Come on,” he shoved her back. She started laughing too, before shoving him even harder and running to their destination. He could hear her laughter even as she got further away. Jumping to his feet, he made chase, weaving through the throngs of tired cadets to catch the girl. He didn’t know what he’d do when he caught her, but he knew he’d get her. 

When he made it inside the mess hall, he didn’t spot her immediately. He decided to make his way to the food trays and scan the area that way. She didn’t seem to be at any of the tables near the soup station. Once he got his food, he just made his way to his usual table. When he saw a familiar head of (h/c) hair, he rolled his eyes. Of course she’d hide in plain sight. He poked her side when he sat down, and she jumped in response. Even so, a grin adorned her face. 

“Took you long enough.”

“If I knew you’d use my tricks against me, I would never have taught you hand to hand. Maybe I should stop…”

“No, no, no, not necessary. It’s only the fact that the student always surpasses the teacher.”

“Right,” he chuckled and started eating.


	8. M7

“Gosh, I hate the knives,” (f/n) groaned from beside him. Even with her reluctant words, her salute was perfect. Reiner couldn’t help but huff air out his nose in amusement. 

“Hey, at least they’re not real.” 

_ Really, she was lucky they weren’t. _

“Not helping, Rein’.”

The slight nickname made the boy’s eyes widen. He’d never had anyone refer to him with a nickname, so he felt a slight awe suddenly encompass his mind. He shook it off just as fast, though, as if it was weightless. He couldn’t give it weight.

“It won’t be that bad.”

After Shadis was done with his spiel, the two faced each other. Unlike the other times they’d had the knives, this time only one of them was armed. Reiner had the knife for the first round, and (f/n)’s eyes rolled. He flipped the wooden stand-in from one hand to the other, a grin on his face. 

“Alright, remember you gotta use all your weight to take me down. Don’t hold back.”

“Got it.”

Then, he charged at her. He didn’t hesitate in his steps; in fact, he ran harder. He knew from experience that pain was a better teacher than anything, and, if he held back, she wouldn’t be prepared for someone coming at her at full force. So, with everything he had, he ran at her, the knife close to his body but still extended toward her. Her eyes widened, as they always did, but she stood her ground. At the last second, she dodged his attack, but he still got a hit on her arm. She rolled to the side and stood up. He charged again, this time with the knife held above his head and downward. She reached up and grabbed his arm, keeping it at a distance. His other arm wrapped around her and threw her down, and, in her stupor, he got into mount position, his knees on either side of her stomach and the knife above his head again. He could see himself on the ground, losing, losing, losing; he’d always been the one in the dirt. This time, he was the one with the upper hand. Before he could bring the knife down, she brought her arm up to deflect the attack and got into full guard, her legs wrapped around him and ankles locked. He could tell she was trying to work out her next maneuver in her mind, so he held off a bit. They’d been in this position many times, so he wanted to see if she’d remember the tactics he taught her to get out of it. She tried to bring her leg up to get into a triangle hold, but he held it down with his arm. She was trapped. He brought the knife down toward her neck, but he stopped before it even touched her. He threw it aside. 

“Next time, try to get me off balance. Turn on your side. Use your entire body, but conserve your energy.”

Her hair stuck to her forehead, along with some dust. Sweat poured from her because of the summer sun. She looked a wreck beneath him. She sighed. 

“At least I have two more years to get the hang of this.”

Reiner laughed from above her. “Yeah, you’ll figure it out.”

As she grabbed the knife and stood before him, she furrowed her brows. “You better watch out, Reiner Braun. One day, I’ll take you down.”

“So I don’t have to worry about today then?”

Exasperated, she heaved another sigh. “Just watch out, alright?”

“Alright, alright. Just take me down already, yeah?”

She stood still a bit more, then she ran at him. She was a little ways away, so he got a good look at her before she hit him. He could tell she was hesitating in her attack. She always did. That was why she wasn’t very good at hand to hand combat. She couldn’t bring herself to hurt another person; well, not with all her might. In a way, Reiner understood. He always hated the thought of hurting another person, but, in such a cruel world, it was a necessary evil. 

_ He didn’t hate it anymore. _

So, he took advantage of her hesitation again. He side swiped her leg. He’d done it before, the movement familiar to him. What wasn’t familiar was the fact that she jumped at the last second, and she was upon him. She mimicked his full mount position from before, and she grinned down at him. He would’ve returned it, but he took advantage of her hesitation again. He turned to the side, causing her imbalance with his full body. When she raised one knee up to balance herself, he brought his leg up to get her in a triangle hold. She tapped instantly. 

Her head was resting on his stomach, and she was limp against him. The sun only seemed to beat down harder. She groaned. “One day, Rein’, one day I’ll take you down.”

“I believe you.”

_ He’d become a good liar. _


	9. M8

“Hey, Rein’.”

“Hmm?”

“Do you know why I want to join the Survey Corps?”

Of course he remembered. They’d had that conversation in the same place over a year ago. A lot had happened since then, but it still stuck out in his mind. It was one of the first times she’d challenged his perception of her.

“Yeah, of course.” She was laying down again, eyes on the stars above. Her hair would be full of sand, but he knew she didn’t care. He knew so much about her at this point, so many little things he’d never set out to know. The way the moonlight carved deep shadows across her face made his breath hitch. She looked uncanny. “To go beyond the Walls.”

She smiled at that. “Yeah, but do you know why?” He could only shake his head. “Well, I’ll tell you. Just don’t tell anyone else, alright? It sounds kinda treasonous, so I could get in trouble.” He could only nod; treason was the least of his worries, after all. “I trust you, Reiner,” she looked back to the stars. “Well, the main reason is because I think the Interior is hiding something from us. I mean, obviously, right? But I’m talking about something with our history or what’s beyond the Walls. My dad was a librarian, and he always told me to not fully believe everything in my history classes. He brought up a good point one day. How could the history of what’s outside the walls be completely forgotten? Even if it was the written history, the first settlers would remember. So they must have done something to make everyone forget…” Her brows furrowed. “It was thinking like that that got my father killed.” He was surprised. Even in her ignorance, she had ideas that were on target. If only she knew how right she was. Her breath hitched as she closed her eyes. “Then, my mom died after the fall of Wall Maria.” His breath hitched in return.

“A Titan?”

She shook her head slowly. “No, but it might as well have been. She committed suicide because of my dad’s loss and the loss of our home. She felt like she lost everything. The last thing she said to me was to survive no matter what…”

“I’m sorry.” He was sorry. He felt sorry for her. Pity, that’s all it was. Even so, he knew he held fault in the loss of her mother, so his apology addressed that as well. 

“Don’t apologize for things that aren’t your fault.”  _ What if it is?  _ “But, anyways, I want to join the Survey Corps to achieve both of their dreams. For my dad, to prove there’s something going on with the Interior and that there’s a world beyond the Walls. For my mom, to live a life I can be proud of, that she can be proud of.” She looked to Reiner, “Not to say you shouldn’t be proud to go to the MP. I don’t hate them, even though it may come across that way. None of this is their fault, even if they’re in the Interior. The people who join their ranks are only trying to get away from a situation the King and the aristocrats have caused. They’re trying their best in a system built against them. Even though some of their actions are morally questionable, they’re still victims of the system.”

Reiner nodded. He understood her viewpoint, and it caused him to see her in a new light. His assumption that she was a willfully ignorant person joining the military for no real reason was proven wrong. She was deft; she was determined; she was an individual; she was a victim.

“So you’re saying I’m a victim of the system?”

“We all are.”

_ He wondered if she was right. _


	10. M9

“Let’s go to the lake!”

It was the first day off in a few months, so the cadets decided to go swimming. The late summer sun begged for it; the subtle wind pushed them forwards; and the call of the water beckoned their tired bodies. As everyone carried their towels and other belongings to the small body of water, Reiner looked around. He’d never experienced leisure with friends. Sure, he’d hung out with the other kids in his previous training, but it wasn’t like this. The comradery was almost palpable in the air. Even with differences, these people were friends, especially due to their similar goals. He didn’t know if it was a blessing or a curse that he felt comfortable in their ranks, but, no matter the answer to that rhetorical question, he grinned. 

“I’ll race you guys there!” came his friend’s voice as she took off. His usual competition with her kicked in, and he took off after her, forgoing the shouts his other companions let fly. The way to the lake was ingrained in his brain, as it was in hers, he was sure. It felt a tad odd that others would join them there this time, but he welcomed the change. 

He caught up to the girl just after she ran into the water. Her towel was abandoned on the shore, as were her clothes. Her only adornments were some tighter shorts and a loose shirt. He would’ve stared longer, but she tripped over something underwater and fell with a splash. The blonde burst out laughing at the spectacle, removing his over clothes as well so he could follow after her. 

_ Preferably without the entrance.  _

When she resurfaced, he was already halfway to her. The genuine grin on her face transferred to his, only to be replaced with a glare when she splashed him. He lunged at her, but she dodged the attack, and he landed face first in the freshwater. When he resurfaced, she was floating a little ways away, her laughter echoing across the water. He decided to just float as well, staring at the perfect blue of the sky above. His heart felt light in his chest. The weight of his actions, the weight of his mission, the weight of the world seemed to leave him in that moment. He was left to be Reiner, floating in a lake with a friend by his side. He was an individual with comrades. He was content for once in his life, content to float aimlessly for the while that he had. They floated there, tranquil, for all but one minute though. A voice shattered the peace and echoed over the lake: Connie’s. 

“No fair, (f/n)! I wanted to be the first in the water!”

“Too bad, Connie! The water belongs to me!”

“You can’t claim all water! That’s impossible!”

“Says who?!”

With a grumble, Connie set his things down and ran toward the water, as did everyone else. It was clear the boy was making a beeline for the (h/c), and Reiner was ready to laugh at her demise. Before that could happen, though, she swam behind the blonde and held onto his shoulders. At first, he felt threatened, but he calmed his reflexes in an instant. All that was left was surprise at the close proximity.

“Piggyback ride please!”

Laughing, Reiner picked the girl up by the legs, and she latched onto his back. They weren’t too deep in the water, so he still had good footing on the lake bottom. 

“No fair!”

“Huh, I feel like I’m having Déjà vu! Find another comeback, Connie!” Reiner could feel her laughter rumble through his back. He’d never been so close to another person, well, other than his mother. He wondered if she could feel his heartbeat through his skin. 

_ (He wondered if she could feel the sins crawling on his back.) _

The heat between their skin replaced any sins there previously. He couldn’t focus on them when a lighthearted grin was beaming over his shoulder.

Brows furrowed, the girl’s enemy looked around and found Jean not too far away. He shuffled over to the taller boy, the water sloshing with every step. Jean stilled when he saw Connie’s glare. 

“Jean, it’s time to play chicken!”

“Horses can’t play chicken!” came Eren’s retort. Before Jean could yell something in return, Connie grabbed his shoulders. “We can get him too! Come on, Jean! Let me on your shoulders!”

Maniacal grin on his face, Jean hoisted his friend onto his shoulders and made his way into the water. Eren, who’d heard the threat, had Armin on his shoulders, much to his friend’s dismay. At seeing this, (f/n) tapped Reiner’s shoulder, and he looked back to the girl. 

“We’ve gotta win this. Put me on your shoulders.”

With a nod, he lifted her up. Her legs were on either side of his head, and he felt his face heat up. He guessed her body heat had something to do with it. To everyone’s surprise, Ymir had Krista on her shoulders and was making her way into the water as well. The only people who remained on the shore were Mikasa, Sasha, Bertholdt, and Marco, who all seemed satisfied with watching from afar. 

“Okay, last one standing wins!”

Because they were further from the rest of the group, Reiner and (f/n) chose to stay away for the first moments, strategizing rather than charging right in. The rest charged right in. 

“Okay, Krista and Ymir seem like the most likely to fall, but I think their teamwork makes them formidable. Same with Armin and Eren. If we can just get Connie off balance, we may have him and Jean. Jean has super good balance though so I think we need to watch out for them the most,” spoke (f/n) from above him. He felt her fingers in his hair, and he couldn’t help but think it was calming. The only person who’d ever massaged his head was his mother. 

“Got it, Captain.”

She smacked the top of his head.

“Move out, soldier,” she commanded with a laugh. He only nodded. Carrying her was easy enough, but the water’s restriction made the movement challenging. Seemed like even their day off had some work involved. Once he got within range, he made sure to hold (f/n)’s legs tighter against his shoulders. He was the pillar; she was the spear. It was up to her now. 

Immediately, they went for Krista and Ymir. They approached from behind, and the two girls didn’t expect it at all. (f/n) pushed Krista to the side, knowing Ymir’s head would support her if she pushed her forward. Ymir tried her best to balance herself again, but Krista’s weight let gravity have the upper hand. 

“Sorry!” 

When they resurfaced, Krista only grinned and said it was alright. With that settled, the two turned to see Armin and Eren in the water as well. It was (f/n) versus Connie after all. 

“(f/n), this is a battle to be Ruler of the Water!”

“Okay, but what about our noble steeds? What title do they get?” 

Eren cackled at that. “Looks like Jean really is a steed!”

“Shut up, Yeager! Don’t make me drown you!”

“Noble Knights of the Water!”

“Okay! Then let the battle for Ruler and Noble Knight of the Water commence!”

Reiner and Jean ran as hard as they could toward each other, but it looked rather slow due to the water’s obstruction. Once at each other, though, the battle actually started. Connie and (f/n) grabbed each other’s shoulders and pushed with all their might. It looked like an even fight. Reiner decided he could help by pushing forward as well, so he jerked his upper body in Jean’s direction. This caught the two off guard, and, in a last attempt to stay upright, Connie grabbed Jean’s head. This only helped both of them fall, and they hit the water with a splash. 

“Heck yeah!”

Reiner looked up to see (f/n) above him, fists in the air in victory. Suddenly, she grinned down at him, and he felt that heat rise to his cheeks again. To alleviate it and the tension he felt, he decided to jump backwards into the water, and (f/n)’s scream was the last thing he heard before he was in its depths. 


	11. M10

As the stars appeared in the sky, the cadets lay on their towels on the sand. They had built a fire amongst them, and its smoke mingled with the navy blue of the late summer sky. The sun was still winking over the wall. Reiner looked beside him to find (f/n) sprawled on the ground. Her still wet hair was catching dirt, but she didn’t care. She never cared. She appeared mesmerized by the stars. They’d chosen to lay their towels a bit further from the fire to see the stars better, but the flames’ light still danced across her face. He wondered if she saw the same dance across his face, or if he was just in the dark. He guessed it was the latter.

“Hey, Rein’?”

“Yeah?”

“I heard Armin talking earlier. He said there’s a huge lake out there somewhere that has saltwater in it. He said it’s called the  _ ocean _ …” she trailed off. She said the word with such reverence. “Do you think it exists?” 

“Yeah, I bet it does.”

_ (I’ve seen it.) _

“I want to see it.”

She turned her head and looked at him. He didn’t think he could lie straight into her gaze this time, so he turned his head to the stars. He took a breath. The ocean had always been the most beautiful thing in his eyes despite the few times he’d laid eyes on it. He knew she’d love it; she was always mesmerized by the water of “their” lake. He wondered how she’d respond to saltwater waves. He had a feeling she’d try to learn as much as she could about them, for common knowledge in his society was never discovered in hers. She had no idea the moon caused the ocean to dance, no idea the moon orbited an earth at all. What did her people really think the rest of the world looked like? 

“Well, we’ll go see it then.”

_ Another lie. _

Turning his head again, he saw her face light up more than any fire could. Her cheeks were full with joy. 

“Really? You promise?”

(( _ Don’t make promises.)) _

“Yeah, of course.” Then, with a laugh, he added, “It’s your kingdom, after all, Miss Ruler of the Water.”

She grinned in return. “Well, Noble Knight, you’ll have to escort me there.”

“Yes, Your Highness.”

She only punched him in the shoulder.


	12. M11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! So, as I said I was going to do, I went back to all the previous chapters and changed them up so that Reiner was more in character. I felt that I made him much too open to the reader at first, when he needed to be closed off and goal oriented. I hope that's more reflected now! So, I implore you to go back and read the changes since I think the chapters are stronger now. With that, here's another of Reiner's more lighthearted memories! :)

“Why do they have to test us on the parts of the 3dmg?” Reiner groaned. He’d never been good with stuff like that. He’d always been a hands on person, had always found strategies and nature and history more interesting than mechanical diagrams. Pictures of parts meant nothing to him when there was a world to see or a war to end.  
“So you can possibly fix it if it breaks in action, probably. Come on, we’ll get it down. Don’t worry.” (f/n) was carrying the book holding the info he needed to cram inside his brain somewhere, along with some pencils and a stack of paper stuffed between the pages of said book. If this didn’t go well, he swore he’d toss that book straight into the lake. Speaking of which, they arrived on the banks at that moment. They’d left the mess hall early to go there, as per usual, this time for the sake of Reiner’s grade on the next written exam. He’d done well on all the other exams, easily remembering previous concepts, but the inner workings of a mechanical object was where his brain drew a hard blank. Word was this test weighed heavier than the previous ones, and he knew he needed a good grade on such an important exam. Why’d the important one have to be over technology and not strategic concepts?  
The (h/c) had the book laid out in front of her, the diagrams loud and clear upon the pages. She’d marked out the labels of each part, and apparently had all the answers on one of those papers she had in her hands. She threw one of the pencils to Reiner once he sat in front of her.  
“Alright, let’s get started.”  
Time seemed to fly, surprisingly. He hadn’t expected her to incorporate drawing into her lesson. He wasn’t the best artist out there, but the hands on approach helped him remember the general forms of all the mechanical parts, and, by the time the light of the sun gave out on them, he’d labelled every part without failure. It was like she knew he was a hands on learner. Perhaps she did. Whatever the case, her unexpected help was well received. (f/n)’s serious teaching expression gave way to a little smile as she gathered her materials into a neat stack.  
“You did great, Reiner. You’re totally gonna ace that test tomorrow.”  
“All thanks to you.”  
“Shut up. You’re the one who worked hard. Be confident in yourself.”

He actually did ace that test.


	13. M12

The sun was already down, but those that shared his part of the barracks were awake, conversing about this and that and who knows what. He was seated on his bottom bunk, Bertholdt beside him, and everyone else were on the bottom bunks of the three closest beds. Candlelight was the only way of seeing so late, and they had a few spread throughout them. 

“Krista totally likes me. Did you see the way she looked at me when I helped her today?” Jean’s chest was puffed out, and a satisfied grin curled his lips. Reiner decided to let a similar grin play on his, if only for a laugh. 

“No, she always smiles at me during lunch. There’s no way she likes your ugly mug.”

Armin’s eyebrows rose at this. “Huh? I thought you liked (f/n), Reiner.”

Reiner’s eyebrows responded just the same. He hadn’t thought about that. He didn’t want to. He’d never liked anyone, loved anyone, and he didn’t plan to. It was impossible in his position. Even he knew that. 

_ (8 years.) _

He rejected the idea in his mind, despite the way his heartbeat quickened. “What? (f/n)? Yeah right, she’s like a little sister to me. I’ve got my eyes on Krista.”

Eren was the next to speak, a disbelieving look in his eyes. “You guys are so close, and you don’t like her at all? What’s wrong with you?”

“What do you mean?”

Connie sighed, looking between Reiner and Eren as if they had Titan heads, “And you guys think I’m slow.”

Jean only grinned wider. “Well, then that’s settled.”

“What’s settled?”

“Don’t speak in riddles, Horseface.”

“Don’t lecture me on how to talk, idiot. I meant that I don’t have to worry about Reiner anymore.”

“Who’re you callin’ idiot? Did you see the latest top ten list? Someone’s slacking off.”

“Why I oughta-” started Jean as he stood, his hands extended to grab Eren by the collar, but Marco held him back. 

“I think that’s enough for tonight. It’s getting pretty late.” He dragged the boy to their bunk, and everyone else dispersed to their respective sleep areas as well. Reiner allowed his back to hit the hard mattress after he blew out the candles nearest to him. The dead silence was a stark contrast to the previous lively atmosphere, but he couldn’t say it was unwelcome. His mind was lively enough as it was. 

When he closed his eyes, all he could see was (f/n), her smile, her laughter, her everything. He knew this situation paired into a lot of the things in his life: willful ignorance. He’d always attributed his reactions to everything but her, but, deep within himself, he knew she’d weaseled her way into one of the chambers of his heart. That wasn’t part of the plan. None of this was part of the plan. His sense of reality was fractured, and his conscience was heavy with questions of the true enemy in this world. 

Belonging versus true identity.

_ “Who am I really?” _

He knew who he was. A Warrior of Marley, nothing more and nothing less. He knew there was no room in that livelihood for the girl, no room at all. No room for affection for the enemy in those years he handed to his country. No room for individuality in an army of skilled soldiers. No room for anything, just the mission and his mom. 

He just didn’t know how to fix his mistakes. 


	14. M13

Rain pounded the dirt road ahead, trying its hardest to mimic hail. They were on another run to a campsite not far off, but the commandant chose a rainy day of all days to make the uphill trek. Reiner wasn’t fazed by the rain, nor the jog, but he could tell Armin was having a hard time with his gear. The water seemed to drag him down. So, Reiner slowed down and took the boy’s backpack, frustrated with how weak the boy appeared. He saw himself, he saw (f/n), he saw Eren in that moment. So he reminded the boy they were being graded on how well they fared, cold and military like to get his point across. He felt satisfied when the other boy stole back his backpack and carried on. He sped up as well to be beside (f/n) and Bertholdt again.

“I swear, you’re built like the Walls. How do you do it?” Reiner only laughed in response. Only laughter was appropriate. “Hey, since Armin took his bag back, you think you have enough room for me? I’d like a ride.”

“Yeah right.”

She rolled her eyes. He actually would’ve picked her up, but it’d only make the exercise worthless. He wanted her to be strong. He wanted her to survive if he wasn’t there to protect her. He couldn’t imagine how painful it’d be if he lost one of his closest friends, and he didn’t want to.

_He didn’t have to imagine it._

_And, besides, he didn’t need to worry about her anyways._

At that, he shook his head. He needed to focus only on the road ahead. No worries, no complications, no ties.

“Almost there, guys! I see the campsite!”

When they all arrived at their destination, the rain didn’t decide to spare them, and neither did Shadis. Even though there was a perfectly good cabin for the commandant and his aids, the cadets were tasked with braving the weather. It was to prepare them if they were ever in such a situation, of course, but that didn’t make the rain soak them any less.

“Seems like everyone decided to set up here, but I don’t know about it. I feel like if we went into that little wooded area, we’d find something like a rock or fallen tree to make a lean-to with. I brought some extra blankets, so we could hang one above us while we set our tents up.”

He placed a hand on the girl’s shoulder. “Good thinking, (f/n). I brought extra blankets too.” He took his hand away just as fast.

Bertholdt nodded. “I brought a few towels to dry ourselves.”

Looking to the others setting up camp in the middle of the flat area in front of the cabin, (f/n) huffed. “They’re all gonna get soaked there. Good thing we thought ahead, at least.”

“They’re tired enough that they’d sleep wherever they fell,” laughed Reiner as he led his group into the trees. The canopy provided some cover from the rain, but he kept going. The leaves on the forest floor were soft with rain and stuck to their boots as they trudged up a small incline. To his surprise, they spotted what looked to be a small cave a bit further up. It didn’t recede far into the hill, but the rock overhang was keeping everything beneath it reasonably dry. When they got inside, they were pleased to find the ground beneath them almost perfectly flat. It’s as if it was made to be a campsite.

“You know, we could just try hanging our tents across the front of the overhang so wind and rain don’t come in here and just sleep in our sleeping bags.”

(f/n) nodded. “Our extra blankets can help us stay warm instead.”

After they’d blocked off the front of the cave, they removed their rain ponchos and hung them as well. Bertholdt tossed Reiner and (f/n) their towels to dry their hair, and (f/n) brought out her extra blankets and sleeping bag. Reiner did the same. By the time they’d removed their boots, their clothes weren’t dry yet.

“We all brought extra clothes right?”

Bertholdt nodded and took his from his bag, but (f/n) slapped her forehead. “I knew I was forgetting something!”

Reiner chuckled. “It’s alright. I actually stuffed an extra shirt and sleep shorts in here just in case. You can have them.”

“Thank you!”

When she came back from changing, he couldn’t help the blush that creeped up his face. He’d like to blame it on the fire they’d just managed to kindle, but he knew that wasn’t it at all. A girl in his clothes, he thought he’d never see the day. Her smile as she crossed back over into his and Bertholdt’s space really didn’t help. It was like she was mocking him with that smile.

Honestly, it shouldn’t be allowed. Only complications are born out of a smile like that.

Screw Armin for putting these thoughts in his head.

“Where’d you get this shirt, Reiner? It’s the softest one I’ve ever felt!”

That made Reiner’s eyes widen, and he looked to Bertholdt to see the same expression there. He hadn’t even thought about the questions a shirt could cause in their situation.

_Outside the Walls._

“Oh,” he scratched the back of his neck. “I don’t even remember, honestly. It’s pretty old. To be honest, I almost threw it out.”

(f/n) nodded. “Well, in that case, can I have it? It’s a lot nicer than my usual clothes.”

“Sure, whatever suits your fancy.”

She only grinned in response, sheathing herself in her sleeping bag and wishing her two companions a good night’s rest.

He had a feeling a good night’s rest wasn’t in store.


	15. M14

As soon as the girl’s breathing evened out, Bertholdt gestured for Reiner to follow him outside. Luckily for them, the rain had quieted to a soft trickle. The taller boy took him twenty feet or so from the entrance of the cave before stopping beneath the canopy of a tree. The darkness was jarring compared to the fire light within the cave, but it was necessary if they wanted no rogue ears hearing their conversation. 

“What was that, Reiner?”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re getting too attached. _You’re a Warrior_.”

“I’m just being a friend!”

“It doesn’t look like it!”

At the attack, Reiner panicked. He knew the implications there. He knew he was a Warrior. He knew he shouldn’t get attached. But a certain part of him knew that it’d be impossible to not get attached to anyone at all here. Comradery begged for friendship. He refused to call it anything other than friendship. His affection for the girl couldn’t be named anything else.

The only way he could get out of the situation in that moment was to hurt Bertholdt as well. 

_All you cause is pain._

“Well, it looks like you’re pretty attached to Annie! How are you supposed to do the mission if she gets hurt, huh?!”

The brunette’s eyes widened, and he clenched his fists beside him. “Don’t bring Annie into this! You know I’m only saying this for your own good!”

“Says the one who got me in this situation in the first place!”

“I felt bad for her! She needed help!”

“Didn’t mean I had to do it!”

“Yeah, but you did,” Bertholdt sighed. His hands relaxed at his sides. “I’m not saying you shouldn’t be friends with her, but don’t get too attached to her. It’ll just hurt worse when we leave.”

Reiner’s anger deflated amidst those words. He knew better than anyone that Bertholdt was right. He signed up for this mission; he had to see it to completion, and that meant leaving the Walls, leaving (f/n), or even worse. At the moment, he didn’t want to think about all of their fates. “Sorry. I know. I guess I’ll try to distance myself from her.”

Apologetic eyes stared back. “It’s not like it’s your fault. They didn’t tell us it’d be like this.”

Reiner nodded. “They’re just the same as us.” He’d been grappling with that thought every night. If they were sent to eradicate people just like themselves, what did that spell for them? Would this mission even stop the Marleyan’s oppression of the Eldians…?

_Stop. Your future is already set in stone._

“I know.”

“Why are they just the same as us? Why do we have to get rid of people?” He hated the desperation in his voice, but he was just that: desperate for some kind of answer.

“I don’t know. But we have to if we want to see our families again.” Bertholdt’s eyes turned upward, a solemn expression in them. Quiet resolve. “That’s all I want,” he all but whispered. 

At that sentiment, Reiner resolved to put some space between himself and (f/n). It was best for them both. He knew it’d be difficult after creating such a bond, but it’s inherent in the word. Bonds were meant to be broken. He’d rather it be now than later; rather it be a piece of his heart than the whole.

_Family always trumps friends;_

_The mission, everything._


	16. M15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a Spotify playlist for this fic and I just want you to listen to Girl I Wish I Didn’t Know (Acoustic) by Seafret and try to tell me it doesn’t go with the previous chapter and this one too. I’m not crying. You are

The next day, Reiner left their camp early. 

The day after that, he was too busy training to speak to her. 

The day after that, he went to sleep early instead of going to the lake. 

The day after that, he trained with Bertholdt. 

This continued for two weeks, and he thought (f/n) may have given up. He couldn’t have become important in her life, he reasoned with himself; he was replaceable. She didn’t need him, and he didn’t need her. Their relationship was built in circumstance; anyone could have helped her that first day of hand to hand. He didn’t know if he was lucky it had been him; in a way, he wished it wouldn’t have been. As much as he cherished their memories together, he knew they had only complicated things. His resolve, his mindset, his heart: all were tangled in her hair, catching the sand on the lakeshore. 

He wished she would give up; he knew she wouldn’t; he knew her.

_ The world was blind to his wishes.  _

_ Or perhaps his wishes were tangled too. _

The moon was full the night she approached him, and the next day was a day off, so most everyone was staying up late to fully enjoy their leisure time. For that reason, he was the first to call it a night, feigning exhaustion and a craving for rest. He hadn’t seen the girl all day, even during training, and he felt bored with it all. 

“Hey,” came her voice from beside the door. He’d just reached the porch of the sleeping quarters, and he almost jumped when her greeting reached his ears. Her eyebrows were furrowed, her arms crossed. She looked troubled, just as she had that one night by the lake. 

He still didn’t like that expression on her face, still so uncanny.

“Hey.”

“Can I come in?”

“Sure.”

The pair crossed the threshold, Reiner leading the girl past rows of bunk beds to one in the far corner. Even though the room was familiar, it reeked of uncharted territory. He kicked his bag under the frame of his bed before sitting on the bottom bunk. When (f/n) sat beside him, he noticed the slight purple surrounding her eye, and he all but balked at the sight, worry overcoming the walls he’d built in preparation for this conversation. 

“What happened?”

“I should be asking you that, Rein’. Why’ve you been avoiding me?” Her arms remained crossed across her chest, and her frown made the room feel all the more lonely. She sighed. “Was it because of the shirt? Was it something else I did?” The desperation in her eyes almost broke his resolve, and the nickname was sharp on his ears.

“We only have a few months left…”

“Hmm?” 

Reiner sighed. He knew it appeared idiotic to blame his behavior on their quickly approaching graduation, but he’d rather seem an idiot than tell her the real reason. “We’ve only got three months before we graduate. I was trying to distance myself since we’re going to different factions.” Cold, calculated.

At that, (f/n) let her arms fall to her sides. She looked exasperated. “You know that doesn’t mean we’ll never see each other again, right?”

“I know.”

She sighed. “I get where you’re coming from, but in my mind, it’s better to spend more time together. But it’s your choice, Rein’. I just want you to be happy.”

How could he be happy with a choice such as this? Both options were painful; both led to loss. If he stayed close to the girl, he’d threaten the plan. If he discarded her from his life, he’d have a hollow space in his heart. Even his steely resolve recognized that. There was no right decision here, but his loyalty had to go to the plan, to his mother’s future, to his future. 

_He couldn’t change her_ _future, as much as he wanted to._

_ It’s your choice, Rein’. _

_ I just want you to be happy.  _

_...be happy. _

“I’m sorry.”

She looked to him as if he’d destroyed everything precious to her. He might as well have. “So that’s it?” He didn’t respond, despite the pleads of her eyes. She made to get up, made to turn away from him, and he stood as well. He didn’t know what compelled him to stop her, but he reached for her.

“Wait,” she turned and he gestured to her eye, “how’d that happen?” She looked the other way, trying to conceal the abnormal hue. Her gaze was hard; his was concerned.

Truthfully, he wasn’t in the place to ask.

“Trained with Annie. Got my ass handed to me.”

He reached a hand out, hesitant, and turned her head to face him. His fingers barely grazed the bruising, a final gesture of affection, before her eyes met his, and she jerked her head away from him. Overwhelming guilt overcame him, but he couldn’t blame her; he honestly thanked her. If she didn’t pull away as well, he’d never get away. 

_ (He didn’t know if he wanted to.) _

The distance between them spanned miles in that moment. 

“Annie did this?” He released his hand from the purgatory of the air she’d left it in. All the answers were there. He didn’t want them.

“Yeah, there’s a reason she’s up there with Mikasa in combat scores.” Turning away, she sighed. “I guess I’ll get going. Goodbye, Reiner.”

The door’s latch sealed his decision, and he wasn’t sure if he made the right choice. He felt like he never made the right choice, but, at least in this moment, he needed to be confident in his decision. This was the best for both of them. 

Even so, he was only truly confident in one thing. 

_ He hated goodbyes.  _


	17. M16

As she always had, she kept her word for the rest of training. At some point in their friendship, she’d told Reiner her word was stronger than the Walls. He believed it, but he’d broken the Walls. The expression meant little to him. Even so, no words fell between the two. He didn’t know what to make of it, but it made him feel abnormal. He reverted back to his strong facade, rarely conversing with anyone but Bertholdt, and that was that. Time carried on.

_ It always does. _

The night of the graduation was upon them without warning, at least that’s how it felt. The final top ten list was read, and Reiner felt pride swell deep within his chest. He’d been named second in the class, behind Mikasa of course, but the recognition was still sweet. It was almost hard to believe that just six years ago he was a failure, barely scraping by in the Warrior program. Just five years ago Marcel had apologized for helping him be chosen for the Armor. Just five years ago, Marcel made that sacrifice. Those five years paid off; he’d made good on Marcel’s death, proving himself worthy of the life he shouldn’t have. He’d proven that he was worthy of his leadership position. He was worthy.

_ You deserve it, Reiner. _

He looked to his right to see (f/n), standing proud and tall just a few spots behind him. She’d received the sixth position, just in front of Jean. He wondered if she remembered telling him that he deserved this position; he had a feeling she’d never forget. In her eyes, words were important. She wouldn’t throw them around without meaning, and she would never forget words as significant as those were to him. Looking closer, he saw a smile playing on her lips, her eyes alive with joy. Honestly, he thought he’d never see that expression again. 

He looked away.

He had a job to finish.

The next day, they’d destroy Wall Rose and react accordingly. There was no room for friends in that equation, just him, Bertholdt, Annie, and the Founding Titan’s reaction. He had to stay true to his goal, to the goal Marcel died for. His heart couldn’t have a say in anything. He wouldn’t let it.

_ He absolutely wouldn’t let it. _

_ Just do what needs to be done, and keep moving forward. _


	18. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's high time we take a look into the Reader's side of things, so here's to the beginning of the reader's grappling with her relationship with Reiner. Also, I wanted to say a quick thank you to everyone who's read this story! It warms my heart that so many people have taken the time to read this when I only have a vague idea of where it's going lol :)  
> Also also, I hope the chapter titles aren't too confusing. The current chapters (aka those taking place during and after the Marley Arc) are titled with "Chapter," whereas Reiner's memories are "M1" and Reader's Memories will be "RM1". Hope that makes sense!

If anything was (f/n)’s forte, it was sneaking out in search of water. As a child, in search of the river; as a cadet, in search of the lake; as a woman, in search of the  _ ocean _ . Only this time, she wasn’t sneaking out because of her parents or curfew or any sort of rules. No, she was concealing her presence so her friends wouldn’t worry, or even try to follow her. 

_ She wanted to see it alone _ . 

She knew that was a lie, but she surely didn’t want to see it with anyone else. She’d avoided the coast with everything in her, not even traveling with her comrades to see it that first day three years ago. They’d said it was beautiful and seemed to never end, just as Armin had described. Then, they’d tried to drag her along on many occasions, but she was adamant on not seeing it. She told them she would witness its beauty when she was truly ready, but she wanted to focus on mapping the island they’d discovered they inhabited. The  _ ocean  _ came last in her mapping. She made sure of it. 

She knew her comrades thought her crazy, but they had to understand at least a slight bit. There was a promise in there somewhere from a long gone friend, and she hated breaking promises more than anything. She rarely made them anymore; the world was tumultuous, uncertain. Everything she’d become sure of in her life was thrown out the window, and surety meant little to her anymore. 

As she mounted her horse in the early hours of the dawn, she steeled her breathing. Her anxiety had worsened in the years outside the Walls, despite her expectation of it being the other way around. Again, she thought, expectations were anything but sure. She started her horse off slow, prolonging the inevitable. 

She didn’t know how she’d react to the sight.

_ “Well, we’ll go see it then.” _

So many years prior, a certain someone had promised to take her to the sea. She’d been so overjoyed at the thought of experiencing it with him, their lake becoming all the water in the world.  _ The World… _ She’d wanted to experience the world with him, to try and follow the sky to its end. 

Little did she know, he’d already seen it. 

Little did she know, she’d map the world by herself.

Tears threatened her composure, but she bit down and rode harder, willing the waves to come faster. She had to force herself out of these thoughts. She knew that. Everyone else had come to terms with their former comrade’s treason, yet she found herself unable to do so. She just couldn’t see it, couldn’t find the evil that had to be in those eyes. 

_ Hazel… _

She’d always thought those eyes were beautiful, dependable, absolute.

_ Had she really been wrong? _

The sun was rising now, the light barely peeking over the horizon, and she apologized to her mare as she pushed her harder. She could hear the roar of the waves, and she wanted nothing but to see the sun dance upon the water in that moment. She didn’t have to force it anymore; the draw was palpable. The wall Eren had spoken of came into view, and she all but jumped off and ran there herself. Even the great speed of her horse was unsatisfying in that moment. She forced herself to look away from the morbid wall when she got closer, the horrid idea of it unwelcome in her thoughts at the moment.

Then, she rounded it, and she couldn’t bring her lungs to work. The deep blue of the water shimmered almost golden in the dawn light, and the salt was potent in the air. The waves were dancing, beckoning her. She answered their call. 

The sand was reminiscent of that on the banks of the lake, but the constant push-pull of the waves made it ever so different. She hurriedly pulled off her boots to let her toes sink into it, to ground herself in this moment. But, as she gazed at the horizon and felt the water leap onto her skin, she knew she couldn’t forget everything but the moment.

_ Was he somewhere across that horizon? _

She’d read all three of Grisha Yeagar’s books, so she knew well that Titan Shifters had only thirteen years after they took on their powers to live. The possibility that he was dead was a likely one; the possibility that they’d taken his life even before he’d finished his term was ever more likely. There was no guarantee that she’d see him again, but, if he lived, she knew there was at least a miniscule chance.

_ She could’ve gone earlier. _

Her friends had told her about their experience on the mainland, about fantastic sights and mouth watering foods. They wished she would have embarked on the journey with them, but she’d declined. Now, she believed herself idiotic. She should have experienced the world with her friends rather than holding out hope for a lost cause. She’d always vowed to take any opportunity thrown to her, yet she threw them back in hopes that he would return and carry out the promises he made.

_ She was a fool. _

And now, she was left with only memories and an unsure future. She was preparing for the worst, just as her friends were. Marley would come back, and they had to be ready. She’d thrown herself into training for that reason, using her spare time to map the entirety of Paradis Island. Now that that was finished, she had nothing to throw herself to, nothing to focus on other than broken promises and impending doom. Eren was gone, most likely undercover in Marley. This could only spell one thing: a counterattack on the mainland. She knew that, her friends knew that, but everyone was unsure of the morality of it all.

_ Morality seemed a fickle thing these days. _

She didn’t agree with the idea. Obviously it was uncertain if this was Eren’s goal as he’d yet to reach out since going missing, but it was highly likely. She didn’t like it. She didn’t want to put innocents at risk; she never did. Everything had gone off the tracks she’d set up, and she felt so lost.

_ She wondered if this was how Reiner had felt. _

His name echoed in the recesses of her mind, and she couldn’t help the tears that made their way down her cheeks. She knew it was pointless to think of him. He was a traitor; that was a fact cemented in all of her comrades minds. Yet, she refused to let the thought of him go, always trying to figure out what went through his mind during his time within the Walls. She wanted to know what pushed him, what pushed Bertholdt and Annie, to such brutal means. These questions always brought her to the same thought.

_ They were just children. _

She wondered if the others considered this fact. Children of only twelve years don’t just up and choose to mass murder innocent people. Children of only twelve years can’t cross an ocean to get to a secluded people without help. Someone sent them; someone put them up to it, perhaps against their will. 

_ It wasn’t their fault. _

If she told anyone this judgment she’d made, she knew she’d be branded a traitor as well. They were aware of her difficulty grappling with the situation, but they had no idea it was to this extent. 

_ They all thought it was just because she was in love with him. _

That may be a part of it, but he was a friend, a comrade, before he was a romantic interest. Her unrequited crush held only partial weight in her inner turmoil, despite how her heart ached. She mainly wondered how she hadn’t seen it coming. It would have been more believable that he was an evil person if he hadn’t become friends with her. It would have been more believable if he’d kept his word when shutting her out. 

_ It would’ve lessened her burden.  _

She fell to her knees before the water, the same saltwater Reiner had asserted belonged to her, and she wondered if anything truly belonged to her. She supposed the only true belonging she had to her name was her memories, yet they all felt so convoluted, so uncertain. 

Even so, she decided that the improbable waves welcomed improbable thoughts, and she fell back into reminiscing. Perhaps she’d finally find her answers.


	19. RM1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [TW: Mentions of blood and death in this chapter]  
> This memory is going to be split up into two parts because this one is a doozy. Hoo boy.

It was a battle getting out of bed the day after graduation. In truth, she should have felt lighter than ever. Her goals were closer than ever, and yet, she found herself bogged down by the eyes of a former friend. As she rolled over again, begging for those few more minutes of rest, she saw them again. 

_ Hazel... _

Reiner had been so cold at the get together that night. She knew why, but that didn’t make the cold sting any less. She’d caught eyes with him across the room, a small smile curving her lips. She’d felt so proud of him, even after their falling out. All of their hard work had paid off. He’d been named second, and she, sixth. Their names were cemented amongst the most capable of Humanity. So, without a care for their mutual agreement to part ways, she grinned at him. She half expected him to return it, but he proved that wrong with what could only be called a glare. It lasted a millisecond, but it was worth two years in her mind. 

To think they had cleaning duty together that day. 

_ She really didn’t want to face him.  _

Despite the dread that curled in her stomach, she arrived at the meeting point for those tasked with cleaning the training facilities so an influx of recruits could make them their home for the next three years. What a send off, cleaning the day after graduation. She wished she would’ve been tasked with Wall maintenance with Eren and the lot. She’d much rather have a view while getting to work. 

Thankfully, she was blessed to work with a girl named Sarah. Just the chance of being lumped with Reiner caused her anxiety to skyrocket. He didn’t look at her as he walked off to his station, and she tried to ignore the pit in her stomach as she followed Sarah to the mess hall. 

Even so, it still felt as if he was there. He haunted her thoughts as she scrubbed the tables and benches. She wondered if the dissolution of their friendship affected him as it did her, or even at all. He certainly acted unfazed. She knew she needed to be the same, but questions kept her mind running. 

_ Was she replaceable? _

_ Too friendly? _

_ Did he care about her at all? _

_ Did he know about her little crush? _

At the thought, she scrubbed harder. She needed to throw herself into her work, lest she throw herself into a trash bin. She had no idea how long she’d scrubbed but it came to a brisk halt when another cadet burst through the doors to literally screech: 

“The Colossal Titan broke through the Wall!”

Any thoughts pertaining to trivial matters ceased in that moment, and she ran with all her might to get her gear. She barely registered that others were following close behind, nor did she heed the screams of fear coming from all angles. Her own heart was screaming with them, but she knew her duty was to protect the people without a way to protect themselves. 

_ That had been her once.  _

Her harnesses had never been fastened so fast, nor had her gear, yet she felt it wasn’t fast enough. She regretted not wearing them despite her job for the day; these minutes could cost lives. She made a note to always be prepared. Next time, she’d be the first to action. Next time, there would be a next time. She had to be sure of it.

“Report to HQ immediately!”

Upon arrival, she recognized the organized chaos a breach brought. Soldiers were running left and right, refilling gas and moving equipment. She refilled her gas as quickly as possible before heading off to receive her orders. She barely had time to survey her fellow soldiers, lined up in rows, before a voice broke through the air. 

“I want everyone split into four squadrons, as practiced! All squadrons are responsible for supply running, message running, and enemy combat under the command of the Garrison Regiment! The Intercept Squadron will be taking the vanguard! Cadets will be taking the middle guard, led by the support squad! Rear guard will go to the elites! I expect you all to man your posts knowing the Advance Team has been wiped out!” A collective gasp permeated the air. “That’s right; the outer gate is history! The Titans are in! This means the Armored Titan is likely to reappear! If and when he does, the inner gate will also be history! Right, those in the vanguard, be ready! The whole area is well-nigh saturated! Your mission is a very simple one: defend the Wall ‘til the evacuation’s done! Now, be aware, all of you, that desertion is punishable by execution! If it comes to it, lay down your lives! Dismissed!”

“Sir!” came the collectively determined and scared-shitless reply of the troops, their fists clenched tight over their rapid hearts. With that, they ran to their designated stations, and (f/n) followed with her eyebrows furrowed. She didn’t know if it was shock, rage, or fear that caused her tension, but she knew it was anything but good. She met up with her crew to find Floch, Gordon, Sandra, Keno, and Sarah. They all appeared terrified, especially Floch. 

_ She was too. _

But she remembered that she was given a higher rank than these comrades. That weight on her shoulders, along with the weight of the lives of all the people of Trost and further behind Wall Rose, caused her to shelve her fears. She had to take charge and lead her friends to combat the Titans; that was her duty, and she would see that it was carried out. She would use all of the training she’d gone through. She’d lead them to see another day.

_ She wasn’t weak anymore. _

“Alright, let’s head out! Gordon and I will take the front, Sandra and Floch will take the middle, and Sarah and Keno will take the rear. We’re ready for this! It’ll be just as practiced. Slice the nape, but only with an opening! If you see an Abnormal, do not engage without alerting the rest of the squad!”

Her words seemed to stir them a bit, but that innate fear still swirled in their eyes. She couldn’t help that. No words would do. She could only hope their training paid off in that moment, and that the sight of the Titans didn’t stop any of them dead in their tracks, literally. She led the charge by shooting her wires into the nearest building, propelling herself south toward the destroyed gate. She recognized the figures of other soldiers soaring between the buildings, but she didn’t set eyes on any foes in that first shot over the roofs. She continued on, looking between her destination near the center of the town and her comrades. Some determination shone through their fear, and she felt satisfied. 

_ She hoped it would last. _

“(f/n)! Titan approaching from the west!” came Gordon’s sudden call. She turned to her right to see what looked to be a ten meter Titan stumbling through the streets. It hadn’t seen them yet, or it was just dumb. Either way, it was a better start than an Abnormal, so she was glad for that at least. Still, fear welled up in her gut, and she barely contained the bile in her throat. She hadn’t seen one since that day in Shiganshina five years prior, but the fear was the same. 

_ This time, though, she was prepared. _

“Okay, we’ll split into two groups! I’ll take Sarah and Floch; Gordon has Keno and Sandra. We approach from the sides and the group it doesn’t face takes it out! Don’t get close unless completely open, alright?! Only engage if both arms are far from the nape!” She hoped her strategy was correct. She was taking ideas directly from the instructors, but that didn’t mean she was using them in the right situations.

“Yes, sir!” came her responses, and she almost choked at the title. Yes, she was their senior by a year, but that didn’t mean she was of a higher rank than them, explicitly at least. The top ten rankings really had no use in the different factions; she was a cadet, just the same as them. However, she had no time to form a rebuttal. They had a Titan to take down.

She ran as hard as she could along the rooflines, her chosen comrades behind her and Gordon and his charges directly opposite. The Titan took notice of them when they got within a hundred meters, and it showed this by stopping its sluggish waddling to all but charge at them. It seemed to take a liking to Gordon, and he jumped from the roof before its hand connected. It continued to thrash about in the opposite direction, so (f/n) decided the opening was adequate.

“Engaging!”

Her wires dug into the nape, propelling her straight into target range, as well as harm’s way. Gordon and his crew continued to maneuver back and forth on the other side of the building, drawing the Titan in and keeping its focus away from her. A rush of adrenaline pounded in her chest as she spun toward the nape, muscle memory kicking in from all that extra practice. The slice was clean; the Titan fell instantly. She retracted her hooks and aimed for the roof Floch and Sarah remained on, a grin of victory playing on her lips.

“Nice one, (f/n)!” Keno shouted from across the way. The other three made their way back to them as she scouted the area. They could never be too safe. “That was a good strat!”

“Yeah, we’ll keep on like this unless we spot an Abnormal.”

With a nod from her group, they started off again. They didn’t see another Titan for a while, and that worried the girl. Something terrible was bound to happen. She constantly checked to make sure her comrades were alright, while keeping note of her blindspots. It terrified her that she couldn’t be aware of all sides at once. Suddenly, she spotted a cluster of smaller Titans, and she alerted her squad to their presence.

“Alright, same formation!”

They closed in quickly, and the three Titans noticed immediately. They broke off, two heading for (f/n)’s group and the other went for Gordon’s. She jumped out of the way of a rogue hand, yelling for her group to separate to find an opening. Floch followed Sarah in the opposite direction as (f/n) carried on, the smaller of the two following her. She cursed at this, as she knew Floch was the closest to the other Titan. He couldn’t handle it on his own in the state he was in, but he had Sarah. Even so, she felt responsible for them, so she needed to get this one off her tail stat.

All the adrenaline in her blood reached a maximum, and her fear all but vanished in the face of a comrade’s life hanging in the balance. She turned suddenly, redirecting her momentum and shooting her hooks into the Titan’s shoulder. She narrowly avoided an outstretched arm, pivoting in the air and swinging up to cut the nape. It fell instantly, but it could never be quick enough. Continuing on, she found the other Titan reaching for a stiff footed Floch, his arms above his head as he cowered in the face of death. As she ran with all her might to save him, she noticed Sarah doing the same thing. The blonde was charging the Titan head on, and it barely missed a beat in snatching her from the roofline. (f/n) screamed; she pushed her legs harder, shooting her wires into the Titan’s back. She was so close. So close. So close. She positioned her blades to strike, her heart beating faster with every second. The Titan slowly brought Sarah to its mouth, her screams permeating the air. So close. So close. As she brought her blades forward to strike the nape, the Titan did something (f/n) would never forget.

No, it didn’t eat Sarah. 

_ It crushed her in its hand. _

_ Just one squeeze, and all life ceased to be.  _

She screamed. She sliced the nape. She felt her friend’s blood coat her skin, mingling with the steaming blood of the killer. The adrenaline that had helped her before fizzled out, and she landed on the roof with little to no grace at all. Floch was screaming, his eyes tearing up above her. All she wanted to do was lay on the tiles of the roof, but she knew that was a far off dream.

Gordon’s voice rang through the air, as did Keno’s. Death rattling.

She shot off the roof, only knowing she didn’t want to experience death again. Keno was in the hand of the other Titan. So close. So close. She was closer this time.

_ She had to be. _

Gordon was yelling for the Titan to put his friend down, but no openings were seen from his side. Sandra was further away, trying to get its attention as well. It just continued to morbidly stare down at Keno, whose lighthearted grin had given way to absolute terror. He was screaming for his mother. He was screaming for his friends. He was screaming for his  _ life. _

_ (f/n) would make sure he kept it. _

A shout ripped from her lungs as she barrelled towards the nape, the opening as good as any. No focus was paid to her, not even after the howl that left her. Death was quick, but not for Keno.

_ She’d made it in time. _

Her legs screamed at her despite the rigorous training she’d put them through. Even with that, flesh and bone was never meant to be pushed so hard. She knew she’d torn a muscle, or two, or three. But Keno was alive, and that’s all that mattered in that moment.

_ Sarah wasn’t. _

She shook her head to empty it. She had to focus on getting them out of harm’s way. Keno was still shaking, as was Floch. Actually, everyone was.

_ Including her.  _

“Let’s get to higher ground!”

With that, they made their way to a tower not far away…

_ Without Sarah. _


	20. RM2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the wait! And also for this being pretty uneventful. Rest assured Reiner will be back next chapter! It’s just, now that we’re into the big events of the story, I’ve got to follow it at least a little bit. With that said, here’s to the story!

The evacuation bell rang, and (f/n) couldn’t help the relief that overcame her. They’d been in the fray for what felt like hours, narrowly avoiding death time and time again. She barely had a grasp of her kill count; she could care less. All she knew was that she yelled for her comrades to follow her over Wall Rose, and she focused on nothing else. They’d been lucky to have conserved their gas so well. She’d always had a knack for it in their training, so she’d berated her friends when they were wasteful. It all paid off in the end, and they crossed the Wall with little to no interference. 

_ But was it enough? _

They were put on standby, the chance of heading back into the fray higher than ever. One order and they were put in front of Death’s door again. The anxiety was palpable in the air. Her group was silent, either staring at the ground or straight ahead in what could only be dissociation. (f/n) had no idea what she could say to them; no words seemed appropriate. She didn’t want to open grief’s door, not until they were truly out of harm’s way. 

She couldn’t bring herself to think about anything but the look in Sarah’s eyes as she ceased existing. She wasn’t particularly close to the girl, only being tasked with cleaning and other odd jobs with her, but she knew the blonde was a happy-go-lucky girl who’d do anything to put a smile on someone’s face. They’d usually banter back and forth about their respective friend groups, training, and any other thing that seemed noteworthy. That morning, she’d been so caught up in her thoughts about Reiner that she hadn’t even greeted the girl properly. 

_ And now she was gone.  _

_ That smile was gone.  _

Before she could continue her depressed thought process, the unmistakable sound of cannon fire broke through the air, and she scrambled off the steps to stand with her comrades. All eyes were turned to the plume of smoke rising far above the Wall, and words were thrown around in fear and confusion. 

“Cannon fire?”

“That was inside the Wall!”

“Just one shot?”

“Has the floodgate been destroyed?!”

“Nah, that’s the most fortified spot. There’s no way… I’m sure someone just dropped an explosive…”

“Still, what’s with all that smoke?!”

“Could it be… steam coming off a Titan?!”

“Reiner?!”

At the name, (f/n)’s eyes shot to a familiar blonde figure propelling himself onto a nearby building. Other familiars were following after, and she decided to be one of them. 

_ She had to know what was going on.  _

She arrived in time to hear Reiner voice a collective question. “What the hell’s going on down there?” His eyebrows were furrowed, and his voice was almost new to her. She guessed that came with being apart for three months, give or take a few days. 

However, what  _ was  _ truly new was the deformed Titan body leaning in the southern corner of the Wall. It had no skin, no lower body. It was just muscle and bone, only rib cage and skull. A couple of figures stood within the billowing steam, but (f/n) couldn’t make out any identifiable features. Nonetheless, she felt fear for them. 

_ Why wasn’t it attacking? _

The steam was disappearing slowly, but she couldn’t bring herself to move. She couldn’t even take her eyes off the thing, slowly vanishing into hot air. What could have created it? Why were there people inside? Why weren’t Reiner and the rest saying anything?

Then, as if that wasn’t enough, a figure slowly emerged from the clouds of steam, and she couldn’t help the gasp that left her lungs at the sight of Armin. He was so small in comparison to the wide array of weapons pointed directly at him. So small from her view on the roof. But he looked so  _ powerful.  _

“You! Stop right there!” yelled the Garrison captain. His voice was harsh, threatening. 

“He isn’t an enemy of the human race!” Even Armin’s voice was powerful, a strength she’d never known in the boy on show in what could be his final moments. Her hands balled up into fists at her sides, the tension carrying through her entire body. “We wish to disclose all the knowledge we’ve acquired about the Titans!”

“It’s meaningless to beg for your lives! He revealed his true form before our eyes! There’s nothing left to be said! If you claim he’s not a Titan, show me proof! If you can’t do that, I’ll eliminate the threat!”

If possible, Armin’s voice grew in volume, the sheer resolve felt through every vibration. “First of all, how we see him isn’t the issue! You said everyone saw him! In that case, they must have seen him fighting the Titans! And they must have seen all the Titans in the area ganging up on him! In other words, the Titans saw him as prey, just like us! No matter how long we think about this, that truth still stands!” (f/n) had no idea what he was talking about,  _ who  _ he was talking about, but she could take a guess. There was a person in that dissolved Titan, and that person was  _ Eren.  _ But why? How? How could Eren be in such a situation? She looked beside her to find Jean and Reiner with fear ringing true in their expressions. Had they known? 

The captain raised his arm, a call for attack, and (f/n)’s breathing stopped ragged in her chest. “Prepare to counterattack! Don’t be taken in by this clever trap! Their behavior has always been beyond our understanding! I’m saying they could have the ability to turn into humans! But we can’t let them get away with it any longer!”

In defiance, Armin placed his fist over his heart, the perfect salute. His voice stayed loud, proud, determined, even in the face of death. “As a soldier, I vowed long ago to dedicate my heart to the recovery of the human race! If my life ends while keeping that vow, I have no complaints! But, if you combine his ‘Titan Power’ with our remaining military force, it might even be possible to recover this town! For the glory of the human race, I beg you! In the moments I have left before I die! Let me explain his strategic value!”

Despite Armin’s rallying words, the Captain’s arm remained upright, falling forward to signal life’s departure. Yet, another arm caught his, and the Commander of the Garrison made his presence known. 

“Stand down,” even upon the rooftop, (f/n) could clearly hear his voice. She guessed even a dropped pin could be heard in that moment. “You never change. For a man your size, you’re as delicate as a fawn. Can’t you see how magnificent that boy’s salute is?”

“Commander Pixis-!”

“I just arrived, but the situation was relayed to me by a rider. As of this moment, I’m putting you in command of the reinforcements. I have a feeling it would be worth our while to listen to what these kids have to say.”

With that, he motioned for them to follow him. The baffled stares of every soldier present were not heeded by the Commander as he led the trio toward an elevator. (f/n) turned toward her friends to ask what in the world was going on, but their blank stares were turned toward the ranks still standing in the streets. Without a word, they jumped from the roof to rejoin their squads, and (f/n) followed behind wordlessly as well. She just wanted to know what was going on, but she knew she’d get no answers out of her friends. 

Gordon and the others were still standing where she left them, and they were even more confused than her. She didn’t think it wise to spread misinformation, so she stayed silent, only shaking her head when Sandra asked what was wrong. They remained as such until Pixis’ voice rang from atop the Wall. 

“Where’s my council?! Let’s work out a strategy!”

That caused everyone to erupt in questions and shouts. 

“A plan to take back Trost?!”

“Now?!”

“You gotta be kidding! How can we when we don’t even have the means to seal that hole?!”

Her group started to panic, Floch and Keno falling to their knees in terror. Sandra tried to comfort them, but her hands shook as she reached for their shoulders. Gordon could only look upon them in shock. Keno was the first to speak. 

“I can’t go back out there! I don’t wanna die!”

Before a superior could hear, (f/n) knelt down beside him. She knew the same fear shone in her eyes, but she couldn’t let him panic so. 

“Keno, I promise you won’t die.”

Disbelief looked back at her. “How can you even say that?!”

She steadied her voice, quelling her fear at least enough to quell his. “Because I won’t let it happen. I don’t break my promises.” She hoped her determination was audible. She supposed it was, because he looked down without a word, his hands still balled up in his trousers. She looked to the rest of her squad, their faces full with that same fear and disbelief. “I promise all of you, I won’t let you die. So don’t worry. Just do your duty and—“ 

“Attention!!!” Interrupted the Commander, his voice seemingly breaking the laws of sound. Commanding was an understatement. “I will now explain our strategy to recapture Trost! The goal of this operation will be to plug the hole in the broken gate! We have a way to seal the hole, but first I want to introduce you to Eren Yeagar of the Training Corps!” (f/n)’s heart dropped, as she was sure everyone else’s did. “We’ve been conducting top secret experiments on Titan transformation, and this soldier is our first success!”  _ They’ve been experimenting on him?  _ “He is able to summon the body of a Titan and control it!”

“What?!”

“He will turn into a Titan, pick up the boulder near the outer gate, carry it over, and use it to block the hole! Soldiers! Your task is to protect him from the other Titans while he’s carrying the rock!”

“Lift up that enormous stone?! Is that possible?! Can humans finally control the Titans?!”

“It’s a lie! You expect me to give up my life for some nonsense like that?! What do you take us for?! We’re not some disposable blades!”

“Wait, deserters are killed!”

“I’m gonna spend Humanity’s last days with my family!”

“Me too!”

With that, many soldiers made to leave, pushing past (f/n) and her crew and causing such unrest she half expected her crew to leave as well. That was until the Captain brandished his sword. “I hope you’re prepared to die, traitors!” He walked with quick steps toward the retreating cowards. “Right now! I’ll cut you down before you take another step!” Before he could make good on his word, though, the Commander interrupted her again. 

“Upon my order! Anyone who leaves right now will go unpunished! If you have given in to your fear of the Titans, you will never be able to stand against them again! Anyone who has succumbed to the terror of the Titans should leave here! And, anyone who wants their parents, siblings, and loved ones to feel that same fear for themselves should leave as well!!” Those words appeared to rally every deserters’ last ounce of determination and perseverance, as they  _ all  _ turned back and joined the ranks again. 

“Let’s talk about what happened four years ago! About the operation to reclaim Wall Maria! I don’t think I need to remind you of it!” Oh, she remembered it well. She’d been so ignorant at the time, but she now knew how absolutely inhumane the whole ordeal was. It was the one time she was glad her parents were gone. “‘Operation to reclaim’ sounds good, doesn’t it? But it was really just a way for an overburdened government to reduce the number of unemployed they had to feed! What no one dares to say is that we’ve been able to survive within the Wall’s narrow confines because your brothers and sisters in arms were forced to go outside it! That sin belongs to all of Humanity, including me! The residents of Wall Maria were a minority, so war never broke out. But what about next time?! If Wall Rose is breached, it won’t be nearly enough to sacrifice twenty percent of the population! Behind our final barrier, Wall Sina, we could only afford to feed half of the world’s surviving human beings! If Humanity does out, it won’t be because the Titans devoured us! It will be because we annihilated each other! We cannot die inside yet another Wall! Given the choice…  _ Die here _ !!!”

With that, everyone resounded a collective “Sir!” and listened to their orders. (f/n)’s squad was sent to lure the Titans away from Eren, a fact she was glad for. Technically speaking, they were not required to engage with any Titan. They only had to lead the Titans to the opposite corner of the district from the gate, that being the north west corner. Many died on the way, but she made sure their numbers didn’t include Gordon, Sandra, Floch, or Keno. She’d made a promise on their lives. She wouldn’t allow herself to break it. 

Once they had lured the majority to the corner, all soldiers were tasked to remain stationary upon the Wall, only able to look down at the insatiable mouths below. 

_ She hated the view.  _

Those Titans had killed many men and women, many of whom she’d been acquainted with. She felt sick gazing upon their faces. To make it worse, many of them were  _ smiling  _ up at the many soldiers on the Wall. She had to look away to stop the ache in her stomach. 

A red flare could be seen in the distance, and she felt dread creep up her spine. The mission had failed. She knew it was too good to be true for a human to control the power of the Titans, but she’d put every shred of hope in Eren’s ability.

Even so, the Commander refused to back down. He sent no orders to retreat, no orders to change the course of the mission. Everyone was forced to wait in anguished patience for another flare. That is, if anyone on the other side of the town survived. 

(f/n) thought back to training, to those days when Eren and Jean fought over their ideologies like bickering brothers. Eren would be disappointed to know that he was given such a power and didn’t use it to change Humanity’s course. She knew he absolutely wouldn’t let that happen. Perhaps Pixis had seen that drive, that insatiable hunger for revenge and knew now to give him every chance possible. 

_ It was all they had left.  _

She hated having to watch and wait. After experiencing battle, she knew she wouldn’t force the experience on anyone. She would rather it be her in harm’s way than her comrades, but she had to follow orders first and foremost. She had to stay stationary. She had to put all her hope in Eren. She had to believe her hope would be returned. 

_ A yellow flare… _

“The operation was a success!”

“Send in reinforcements now! Rescue the Alpha Squad!”

_ A beacon of hope. _


	21. RM3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [TW: Skip to "there was a fire burning somewhere" if you're bothered by talk about dead bodies]  
> I'm having a hard time deciding how to portray Reiner's mental health in the coming memories, as he starts dealing with a "personality split" (Dissociative Identity Disorder). I've already kinda set up for that, since, as I'm sure you've noticed, Reiner's memories are few and far between in comparison to the Reader's. People who deal with DID and also PTSD (which I'm sure is linked to Reiner's DID) deal with a lot of forgetfulness, especially when there are switches between alters (the soldier and warrior personality for Reiner). I really want to portray this correctly, so I think I'm going to focus his memories on "soldier" moments, having no recollection of the "warrior" moments until his first escape when Bertholdt reminds him who he "truly is." If this sounds good or you guys have any advice, I'd love to know! Anyways, with that spiel out of the way, onto the story! :)

_ Hell… _

She was sure she was there. 

The absolute horror of Death was everywhere.

The stench of Death filled the air.

_ Absolute. Hell. _

Half eaten bodies littered the ground. Blood doused every surface. People used to live here; people died here.

_ If this was hell, where did the Dead go? _

She picked up another body, barely able to drag it toward a cart. Rigor mortis had set in almost two days prior. The skin was blistered, well, the skin that remained. She’d had the “luck” to pick up many half eaten humans whose innards had liquified, and she had no idea if she’d be able to scrub her skin enough after such a sight. 

After that body, she had no recollection of her time spent in Hell. Perhaps it was minutes, perhaps it was days, but she knew she felt relief when she shed her clothes and took a long awaited shower. It was perhaps a minute of cold water, but it calmed her need to scrub every inch of her body. When she dressed herself in fresh clothing, she wondered if it was all worth it. She wondered if she could step foot outside those doors again. Everything in her told her no.

But she  _ knew  _ she had to, so, without another thought, she set foot into the night. 

_ There was a fire burning somewhere. _

Who was she kidding? Everything was burning. But there’s a reason they surround fire with stones. 

There was a reason these fires were worth it: just one stone. 

Eren had sealed the wall in Trost with a stone, and fires blazed inside. Inside the fires blazed the lost. 

_ She felt lost.  _

She felt like a  _ fool.  _

Although training had prepared her to face the Titans, it hadn’t prepared her for the loss of her comrades, even though she was warned time and time again. She’d forged such strong attachments to her fellow cadets that she forgot they’d be liable to disappear the moment a Titan was in sight. At the moment, she felt remorse for getting so attached. 

_ She felt like more of a fool then.  _

What was the point of fighting without those attachments? If you had no one in the world, life was monotonous and pointless, in her eyes at least. So, she shook off her negative thoughts and resolved to carry the dead with her. She resolved to fight for them, to live in their stead and bring peace into the world. 

_ With them at her side, she felt she could accomplish anything. _

_ (She told herself that, at least). _

She wandered in the direction of the smoke, the insufferable smoke, and she found the many fires blazing with the flames of Death. Her living comrades were staring into the blaze, their eyes heavy with sadness, grief, an inconceivable emotion that only soldiers know. Following their gaze, she saw Sarah. No, not in the flesh, but in spirit. She knew the girl was burning. She knew the girl was gone. Yet, she felt hands upon her shoulders, pushing her forwards. Perhaps it was a hallucination, but that weight was visceral. She carried on, refusing to cry in front of these people. She carried on, pushed by an invisible force to move.

She didn’t stop until she’d seen every fire. She counted forty. Forty flames for perhaps four hundred lives. She didn’t stop there. She continued into the streets, the silence a hollow reminder of the flames at her back. She turned a corner to find a small patch of grass with a tree at its center. Against that tree stood a figure. She knew that posture like no other.

“Reiner?” Her voice was shaky, unused in the past two days except to name the Dead. His eyes found her, and he said not a word. His shoulders loosened when he allowed his arms to fall to his sides. She approached him despite their agreement. She refused to leave him alone in that moment; she refused to be alone in that moment. She sat to his left, leaning against the trunk to look up at the stars. The silence was comfortable, uncomfortable, everything in between. She expected him to leave. She expected him to brush her off, just as he did the night of the graduation.

He sat down beside her.

“Marco’s dead.” 

In that moment, all (f/n) knew was that she couldn’t breathe. Her chest physically hurt, to the point that she reached up to place her palm against her chest. She had to make sure the heart inside was still beating. 

“No, that can’t be true. Marco was strong. He wouldn’t die—” 

“He’s gone,” came Reiner’s soft voice. He’d reached out to place his hand on her shoulder, his other hand grasping his hair. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” She turned to see his eyes blown wide with grief, with misplaced blame. His words only repeated: I’m sorry, so sorry. He looked so broken. In her eyes, he was always so unbreakable, as if his defenses were eternal. To see him unraveling before her broke her heart evermore. So, she turned to hold him. She rested her head against his chest. His heartbeat was heavy, so heavy it was palpable against her forehead. Arms around him, she cried.

“It’s not your fault, Reiner. Please, please, don’t blame yourself for things out of your control. Please, Reiner.” She felt his hand upon her back, and his chest heaved with pent up tears. She sobbed against him, dams well broken. She saw Marco, she saw Sarah, she saw blood upon her clothes, blood upon her hands.  _ Blame, blame, blame. _ “Sarah’s dead because of me!” At that, Reiner stilled. She gripped his jacket with white knuckled hands. Her breathing quickened, her palms sweat. It was as if her body was shutting down in confusion. She wished it would. “If— If I would’ve been faster! She would still be here! If only it’d been me! She deserves to be here more than me!”

Reiner held her away from him, his hands upon her shoulders. His gaze was hard, wet with freshly shed tears, yet hard nonetheless. “You can’t tell me to not blame myself and go on spouting that. It was her time, (f/n), not yours. You deserve to live more than anyone.” He moved his hands to her cheeks, and it took everything in her to not sob at the tender touch. “Look at me, (f/n).” Her eyes rose. All she could see was hazel. “Don’t blame yourself. You’re not a Titan. You’ve done nothing wrong. You don’t deserve any of this. Any of it! Promise me you won’t blame yourself.” 

She could only stare back, tears still streaming down her cheeks. Reiner’s eyes were wide, so, so alive. So beautiful. Her breathing steadied enough to speak. “I'll try, but only if you promise me the same.”

He closed his eyes, much to her dismay. She could tell he was hesitating. His brows were furrowed, even as his eyes remained shut. Then, he nodded, hazel eyes admirable again. “I promise.”

She found it in her to smile, if only for the fact that Reiner wouldn’t burden himself so. She knew she had to uphold her end of the agreement, so she focused on the moment rather than the past. Even still, she felt that weight upon her shoulders, saw that ghostly smile. She wouldn’t be able to move her blame instantly, but she could take shaky steps forward. And that’s what she resolved to do, for herself, for Sarah, for Marco. She promised to live in their stead. She promised to see what was beyond the Walls for them, for her father, for her mother, and for anyone else that was lost that day. As her head fell against Reiner’s chest, she also promised him something: to be there for him in times such as these. She was content to rest there for what felt like eternity, his breathing steadying, her breathing following suit. It was silent for a time; she didn’t keep track of it.

“You know, I decided on where I’m headed.” She felt his hand tangle itself in her hair, and she hummed against his shirt. She still couldn’t breathe through her nose, and her lungs still felt a tad unsteady in her chest, but she focused on his words to ground herself. “I became a soldier to fight for Humanity. The only way to do that is to join the Survey Corps.” At that, her head shot up, and her wide eyes met his.

“What? Are you serious? But you were second best! You’d have a comfortable life!” She couldn’t believe he’d risk his life after what they saw that day. “It was your dream!”

_ Then again, that sounded pretty hypocritical. _

He shook his head. “No, I realized that’s not for me.” He looked up at the stars; shadows trailed across his face. She followed his gaze. Little light came from above, as a new moon sailed silently across the sky. A new moon for a new start, new hope. In that moment, the stars seemed to shine brighter than ever. 

He was silent for a while. Then, four words fell from his lips.

_ “I’m a soldier now.” _


	22. RM4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Call this a filler chapter, but we're finally done with Trost! Just know the next chapters are going to be more original and fun. Reiner's POV will make a reappearance too, and it'll be happy because I'm taking creative liberty with the month leading up to the 57th Expedition. So look forward to that :)

The evening of the infamous choice between regiments, (f/n) found herself leaning against the wall in front of the stage. She was next to a bunch of her friends, Annie, Armin, Sasha, and Connie to be exact. They were all silent. She couldn’t blame them. The hell that was the Battle of Trost was as cemented in their minds as it was Human history. Her legs still ached from the over exertion, the strained muscles still needing time to heal.  _ She needed time to heal, too. _ As she focused on massaging her thighs, Jean approached. When she made eye contact with him, she saw something so faint in his eyes, some determination she’d never seen.

“Jean, you’re really set on the Scouts?” Armin’s question was news to her. It felt like the entirety of the Trost excursion had left her outside of their loop, and she felt it too invasive to question what they saw there. She hadn’t even asked Reiner yet. 

“Yeah,” came his reply.

“Woah, are you serious? I mean, aren’t you terrified?” Sasha had jumped off the wall in surprise.

Jean tilted his head. “Huh? Of course I’m scared. I’m not an idiot here.”

“Then why are you—” 

“Because I  _ am  _ scared of the Titans, and I wanna do something about it. But listen. I understand joining the Scouts isn’t for everybody. I won’t guilt trip you, unlike a certain suicidal maniac.”

Connie sighed. “Eren, huh. Guess he’s already been a Scout for a while now, hasn’t he?”

Before (f/n) could get a word in edgewise, a voice resounded near the stage. “Cadets, fall in! Head over to the platform! Time to make your choice!” Despite these words, Jean continued to stand in front of them.

“At the end of the day, there’s nothing anyone could say to persuade you into risking your life. Same goes for me, so believe me when I say this decision’s all mine.” With that, he turned to follow orders. (f/n) felt proud of him, despite knowing he had to have seen something terrible to change ideologies as he had. She stood to her full height to follow after him, but first she turned to her friends.

“You know, I’m proud of you guys, no matter where you go.” 

When she lined up with the rest of the surviving 104th cadets, she felt anxiety well up in her. She could see the back of Floch and Gordon’s heads directly in front of her, as well as Sandra and Keno a few rows over. She wondered where they would go. She wondered where everyone would go. 

_ What did their fates hold? _

“Good evening. I am Erwin Smith, Commander of the Survey Corps.” The presence he held was immense. “Today you will choose your regiment. The reason I’m up here is to invite you to become part of the Survey Corps. But I should warn you. In the recent Titan attack, everyone here experienced what the average excursion outside is like. I’m sure nothing else in your lives came close to it. Though you’re trainees, you experienced sacrifice. As a result, I’m sure you came to know your own limits, and the terror of the Titans. Nevertheless… While it’s true we suffered heavy losses in this attack, the human race has advanced towards victory like never before. 

“By now, everyone is aware of the existence of Eren Yeager. Through his actions and all of yours, the Titan incursion was halted and we have obtained a path to understanding the true nature of the Titans. I’m not at liberty to tell you much here regarding Eren, but believe me, he’s proven himself as an ally who’s willing to lay his life on the line. And we also know that in the basement of his old house in Shiganshina District are answers about the Titans that even he doesn’t have. If we can just get to that basement… I believe we’ll find clues that may free us from a century of domination by the Titans.” He paused to survey the crowd, and (f/n) felt her breath still. Hope was in sight? Her fist tightened over her heart, its beating a reminder of the lives lost to retain hers. “And yet, if we are to perform a full investigation of that basement room in Shiganshina, we first need to take back Wall Maria. In other words, our aim is the same, but now that we can no longer use the gate in Trost, we have no choice but to take the long way around, from eastern Karanes District. The path that took one of our battalions four years to clear is completely lost. During those four years, over ninety percent of the Survey Corps soldiers died. That’s ninety percent in four years.” If (f/n) was still breathing, at those words her lungs ceased to be. She knew it was crazy to join the Survey Corps, but she had no idea her odds of meeting Death were so high. A small part of her wanted to turn and run. “Even in the best case, sending another battalion to Wall Maria would mean five times the casualties and twenty years of work. Those aren’t realistic figures.

“The Survey Corps is always looking for talented people. Since many are killed every time we go out, we suffer from a chronic shortage of personnel. I won’t hide it. Those of you who join the Survey Corps will participate in an expedition beyond the Wall one month from now. A supply route needs to be put in place as soon as possible. I believe the mortality rate for new recruits going on their first journey outside is about fifty percent. But those who do get through it go on to become superior soldiers with a high survival rate.

“Now you know the dismal state of affairs. Those of you who are still willing to put your lives on the line, remain here. Let me reiterate, the majority of the people who stay here and enter the Survey Corps will likely die. Ask yourselves if you really have it in you to sacrifice your life for Humanity. That’s all. Those of you who wish to join the other divisions are dismissed.”

At that, a slew of cadets turned to leave. (f/n) recognized many of the faces. These people fought the Titans, and they decided it was best to leave the fight now. She didn’t know what the answer was. Looking at the sea of people, she made eye contact with Gordon, who only shook his head as he passed her. Floch didn’t look up from his feet long enough for her to see his expression. She felt overwhelmed by the fact that her squad, who she’d fought so hard with, who she’d promised to protect with her life, was leaving her in this moment.

_ Or was she leaving them? _

She didn’t know. She barely comprehended the fact that Connie and Sasha stood in front of her, rooted to their spots either out of fear or desperation or some waning determination. Was she glad they were risking their lives with her? Or did she want them to turn tail and run, if only to preserve the lives most precious to her? 

_ Did she want to run? _

In a way, she did. If the Commander’s words rang true, she would only be signing up to see her friends take Sarah’s place. She would be set to be too late over and over again. She’d fail them. She’d let them die.

_ No. _

_ She’d make sure they didn’t die. _

_ There was no running to the safety of the Walls when that safety was undependable. _

“If you,” came the Commander’s baritone voice again, “were told to die, could you do it?”

She couldn’t unearth her voice to answer, but someone in the back answered for her. 

“We don’t want to die, sir!”

The Commander nodded. “Of course. Everyone, you look good. Very well!” His salute was the epitome of perfect, suitable for a figure such as he. “I welcome the newest members of the Survey Corps! This is my real salute! Devote your hearts to the cause!” 

She turned her head with bated breath, barely wanting to see who embarked on Death’s journey with her. Mikasa, Armin, Jean, Sasha, Connie, Krista, Ymir, Bertholdt, Reiner… All of her friends save for Annie flanked her, and yet again she wondered if she was glad. 

“I see twenty two members in the 104th Survey Corps who have given the salute. You have withstood your fear well. You’re all brave soldiers. You have my heartfelt respect.”

_ The Commander’s respect only added more weight to her shoulders. _


	23. RM5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I the only one who'd be excited about Hange's research? That just me? :)

Sitting in her new home, (f/n) found herself surveying the stone walls in wonder. She couldn’t believe the Survey Corps headquarters were a castle. Was that some sort of weird irony, or what? The outcast of the King’s honchos, living in a castle. Either way, she was amazed to have such a nice room to call her own, even more amazed to have one on the second floor. The view was phenomenal. A wide expanse of field lay outside, and just beyond that was a gorgeous forest. She couldn’t wait to have time to explore it. The thought brought back memories of her childhood, learning about the flora and fauna near her house, her father and mother leading her through the woods near Wall Maria and setting up picnics. She hoped they’d have some time off in the coming month so she could take her friends on adventures. 

_ If only to forget the impending expedition for a moment.  _

With a sigh, she left her room and made her way to the mess hall. It was their first lunch as Scouts; she wouldn’t miss it for the world. When she entered, though, she found not many people within, which was surprising. Perhaps they were still getting settled into their new abode. Perhaps they were dealing with their anxiety. Either way, she grabbed a bowl of porridge and a small loaf of bread and sat at the nearest table. A woman was diagonally across from her. She felt like she recognized her. 

“Hello.” The woman turned at her greeting, and a grin etched its way into her cheeks. 

“Hi there! You’re one of the new recruits, right?!” Her excitement was unmatched. (f/n) grinned in response. She took a liking to the enthusiasm; it was a welcome distraction. 

“Yeah, I’m (f/n) (l/n).” 

“(f/n), (f/n), where have I heard that name…?” The woman held a hand to her chin. Then, she slapped her hand on the table. “Oh, that’s right! You’re the one that surprised everybody!”

“Huh?” 

“Everyone expected Cadet Ackerman to have a high kill and assist count in the aftermath of Trost, but yours was the second highest despite you ranking sixth! I have to say, I’m impressed!” The woman made eye contact with her again, that ever present grin reaching her eyes. “Oh, how rude of me, I forgot to introduce myself! I’m Squad Leader Hange Zoe. Nice to meet you!”

At that, (f/n)’s eyes widened, as did her smile. “You’re the one who was researching the Titans!”

“That would be me! Are you interested in my research?!”

“Of course I am! Are you allowed to talk about it?”

At that question, Hange squealed. “Oh am I ever! Tell me what you know about the Titans, and we can go from there. The last time I spoke to someone about this I rambled on about the basics and didn’t even get to the good stuff! I’m not going to let that happen again.”

“Well, I know what most soldiers know. They have a weak spot at the nape, they have no digestive system, their only goal is to eat humans... Though I disagree with that last one. They seem to only want to destroy, not really eat…”

_ Sarah... _

“Yes, yes, I agree with that statement. But thanks to the Titans we’ve captured over the years, we know much more! First, we always try to communicate, but Sonny and Bean, who I still mourn, showed that meaningful communication is impossible. We deprived them of sunlight, as they become less active at night, to test the hypothesis that they derive energy from the sun. Sonny become lethargic after just one hour, but Bean stayed energetic for three hours!”

(f/n) gasped. “So individual Titans have different levels of endurance, just like humans!”

With a nod, Hange raised her mug to her lips. Then, her expression turned pained. “Next we tested their pain tolerance. It was tough for me to carry out,” she looked at the table, a forlorn furrow of her brows displaying her dislike of the experiment. “I needed to see if Titans have other weak points. Bean screamed and thrashed about, but Sonny barely reacted at all.”

“Which furthers the idea the Titans are individualized more than their appearance…Have you looked inside?”

“Yes, but there was nothing in the nape… What really bothers me is that… their bodies are very light…”

“Light?”

“Yes, we have severed the limbs of many Titans, yet these limbs don’t weigh nearly what they should for their size. Then, we find out that Eren’s Titan body materializes out of nothing… I theorize that what we can  _ see  _ and the true nature of what actually  _ exists  _ are totally different things…”

(f/n) laughed, and Hange’s eyes widened in response. She backtracked. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to laugh. It’s just, from what you’re saying the Titans sound more like plants than animals. They look like humans, but they get their energy from light, don’t eat anything else, and their appearance is much larger than their weight…It sounds so outlandish…”

“Well, that sounds more tame than some of my more outlandish theories.” The Squad Leader readjusted her glasses.

“Tell me!” 

Hange laughed. “You know, I like your enthusiasm! Maybe I can get Erwin to put you on my squad in the future.”

The girl grinned at the idea. Hange’s squad was considered elite within their ranks. “It’d be an honor.”

“Well, we’ll see about it. First let me tell you about Ilse Langnar. She was a member of the Survey Corps who was considered deceased after the 34th Expedition. Later on, we found her armband and a book that she had filled with her final moments. It appeared that she had come into contact with an Abnormal Titan who bowed when it cornered her, saying, ‘A subject of Ymir’ and ‘Lady Ymir… Well met.’”

“It spoke?” (f/n)’s mind reeled. A Titan communicating? “Lady Ymir…” What are the odds that the name the Titan speaks is that of a friend? Could it be connected in some way? 

_ Doubtful.  _

“Yes. I have yet to find a significance for the ‘Lady Ymir’ bit though. However, this proves that at least  _ some  _ Titans have the capability of speech. Then again, Ilse could have been hallucinating, but the writing still stands. She also stated that the Titan began tearing at its own face when she questioned it about eating humans. I can’t help but wonder… Do they truly understand what they are doing?”

They sat in silence for a while, a fact (f/n) didn’t take lightly. Hange seemed so excitable. A pregnant pause such as this seemed out of character. Her last question begged for silence, though. The suggestion that the Titans have some sort of consciousness, some sort of intelligent capabilities, brought many moralistic questions to mind. What’s more, it also begged the question of them being able to communicate with the more intelligent Titans and possibly ending the war. Wishful thinking, but still a thought nonetheless. 

“Squad Leader Hange, Erwin has summoned you.”

The woman sighed. “Very well. We’ll finish this conversation later!”

As she followed her superior’s retreating form with her eyes, (f/n) could only think one thing.

_ What if the Armored and Colossal Titans are intelligent too? _


	24. M17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why am I so dramatic when writing Reiner's memories? The world may never know

Reiner was honestly stumped. After two weeks of hard work in preparation for the 57th Expedition, there was finally a day off, yet (f/n) was nowhere to be found. He’d asked around, and he’d learned she’d made her way into the woods after breakfast that morning. Despite that knowledge, he couldn’t find her anywhere. For once, he regretted sleeping in late. If he hadn’t, he’d have known where she was. 

For some reason, he was worried. 

He knew by now he had no right to worry about her. She was strong. He’d seen it in training. He’d heard of her achievements in the Battle of Trost. Six Titan kills and ten assists told him everything he needed to know. She’d surprised everyone, even him, though he knew it shouldn’t have. The sixth place in the rankings was still elite, and he knew more than anyone that (f/n) wouldn’t go down without a fight.

He walked into a small opening in the trees, and a sigh left him. He’d spent all of an hour searching for her. At this rate, she’d get back before him. 

“Whatcha sighing for?”

The voice came from above him, and he followed it to find the girl perched on a branch some ten feet off the ground. “What are you doing up there?” She was just swinging her legs, carefree as she had been what felt like years before in training. He wondered how she managed it.

_ Stress really does age you.  _

“Watching the clouds. What are you doing down there?”

“Looking for you.”

She laughed, slowly making her way to the ground. “Well, looks like you found me. What now?”

He grinned. “I don’t really know. Didn’t think that far ahead.” She only walked away, gesturing for him to follow her. He did just that. 

“Well, I was thinking about my childhood. This patch of woods reminds me of the one a ways away from my house growing up. My parents would take me out and teach me about the plants and animals. We’d have picnics all the time too.” She looked up at the sunlight filtering through the leaves, and Reiner knew she was a bit sad about the recollection. He could see the bittersweet nostalgia in her eyes. He wanted to cheer her up. He wanted to see that smile again. 

_ He wanted to forget. _

“Teach me.”

Her grin told him those were the right words. “Alright, well I feel like it’s a dumb question, but have you ever collected walnuts?” He shook his head, and she stopped in her steps. “Have you ever eaten a walnut?” He shook his head again. Despite her confusion, she turned to continue on. “I guess we’ll have to fix that. It was one of my favorite things to do when I was little. I’d collect them and my dad would crack them open for me. I actually found a group of trees just a little ways into the woods that have a bunch on the ground the squirrels haven’t gotten to.”

As they walked, she gestured to different trees and named them. Oak, beech, pine, and so on. She seemed so excited to impart her knowledge; he was glad. When they arrived at their destination, she bent down to pick up what looked to be a mere wooden ball. “Here’s what we’re after. Pick up as many as you can.”

“Yes, Your Highness.” He dodged her swat, already knowing she hated when he called her that.

“I swear…” Her sigh caused him to chuckle, and he bent down to pick up two handfuls of the nuts. Looking over at (f/n), he felt a small smile curl his lips. She was gathering walnuts left and right, a thoughtful expression etched onto her face. She looked so content with life in that moment.

_ He was too. _

“Alright, come over here. You’re stronger, so you can have the honor of cracking them open, Noble Knight.” She handed him a stone, and he made to crack one. Out of the earthen shell came pale yellow flesh, and Reiner was surprised by the sight. “Wow, lucky. Usually it doesn’t come out in one piece.” She split the odd shaped flesh in two, handing a piece to Reiner. It appeared so small, so miniscule in his hand. Without hesitation, the girl slipped her piece past her lips, and she hummed in delight. The absolute joy that filled her cheeks stopped his hesitation in its tracks, and he placed the walnut upon his tongue. 

He hadn’t expected something so small to be so rich in flavor. So savory, so smooth. Earthen in every delightful way. He wondered why he’d never beheld the flavor in his lifetime.

_ ((He knew why)). _

“Do you like it?”

“Yeah, it’s really good.”

“Told you so.”

Beneath the canopy of the walnut trees, they continued to eat in comfortable silence. The satisfaction of splitting open the nuts and partaking in their sustenance became all Reiner could think of. The task was mindless; the taste was satisfactory. Before long, all they had gathered were left hollow husks, all flesh eaten, all value gone. (f/n) grabbed his hand then, and she led him to an opening in the canopy. The grass was soft beneath them as they reclined. He stretched himself out beside her before taking her in. 

Her eyes were on the clouds above, mesmerized by the nature of the world as always. The content expression on her face spoke volumes even as she remained silent. Head turned to her, Reiner felt a sense of awe in his chest. She appeared so mundane, so absolutely fulfilled. The world was at peace with her, and she with it. War held no power there in that moment; Death did not touch her. His wonder turned to bated breath when her voice met the air again.

“What was your childhood like?” Something deep within his mind stirred, but he refused to bring it to light. He remembered his place within the Walls, his hometown along the river not far from Wall Maria, and he sighed. Before he could reply, she spoke again. “Sorry, I shouldn’t ask that. I know it’s a hard topic for a lot of people. I just wanted to know more about you.”

He shook his head then, but he knew she couldn’t see it. “I didn’t go outside much. Never experienced any of this for fun. Didn’t have a childhood, really. I was always put to work.”

She turned to him then, and the regret on her face hurt him in some capacity. He didn’t want pity. But it changed into a sad smile, and he questioned it. “Well, it’s like I said. I’ll teach you everything I know about our world, and then, when we finally get outside of these Walls, we can learn together.” She faced the clouds again, as if her words hadn’t affected him so. 

Just like the first day he met her, he didn’t understand her at all. He thought he had some sort of understanding, but every time she spoke like that it was as if all understanding was out the window. She’d experienced Death, Loss, War, and many other things in her life, yet her mindset stayed the same.Almost childish, almost ignorant, yet full of maturity in some type of way. She focused on the moment. She connected with the mundane. That word seemed so perfect for her: mundane. Content with sitting in the grass, content with watching the clouds, content with eating walnuts to foster some sort of momentary security. Yet she wasn’t content with settling with that as her lot; she wanted  _ more.  _

_ He wanted more. _

He wanted to experience her world, the way she saw life. He wanted to see the outside by her side. He wanted to understand her further. He wanted so much.

_ But he was content.  _

So he turned eyes to the clouds and imbibed in their majesty. He forgot his worries, at least in that moment. He heard the birds singing; he felt the wind playing with his hair. The sun’s warmth upon his skin was just enough. The soft grass beneath him was just enough. The presence beside him was just enough. And, when he closed his eyes,  _ he understood.  _


	25. RM6

Hooves upon earth.

Powerful and light.

(f/n) felt so free in the saddle, so free with her mare. The wind tangled its fingers in her hair as she rode. The sun caressed her face with such warmth she forgot the chill spring brought. It was only a matter of time before summer came, the sun forgoing soft caresses for suffocating heat. In all honesty, she wished spring would last forever. Bringing her mare to a halt, she absorbed her surroundings. The blue sky was slowly morphing into sunset hues; she could almost feel the stars struggling to be let free. Below, the grass was swaying in the breeze, fresh green betraying the time of year. She’d been surprised the leaves had come out so quickly, even more surprised none of her favorite flowers had bloomed beforehand. She’d never known them to wait, but there was a first for everything. Perhaps for them spring came late.

“(f/n)? Why’d you stop?” came Reiner’s voice from behind her. She couldn’t help but smile when she heard him. She couldn’t help a lot of things when it came to him.

_ It was frustrating, but... _

“Look at how beautiful it is, Rein’.”

Her eyes found him while he surveyed their surroundings. His eyes were calculative, as always. His exterior always seemed so impenetrable. To anyone who didn’t truly know him, he’d be unapproachable. At first, he was, but now… Now, that twinkle was in his eyes. She could see it; she would never miss it: that appreciation, that subtle awe in response to the world. She’d come to love that look in his eyes. Tenderness in the midst of absolute strength, warmth despite the cold. 

“It is. Did you see those flowers over there? I would’ve thought you’d flock to them, the way you are.” She followed his gaze, and there they were. Bright yellow shone in a field of constant green. Without a second thought, she shook her reins and led her horse to them, a moth to flame. She could hear Reiner following, as he always did. A constant. His chuckle at her behavior was constant as well, but she wouldn’t trade it for anything. Laughter, even at her expense, was all she wanted from him. 

She dismounted her chestnut mare, patting her side as she approached the cluster of flowers among grass. She knelt. Her hands met the fragile petals, and immense joy filled her soul. They were the most beautiful yellow in her opinion, and their wide blossoms mimicked the sun’s rays. Yellow, the color of sunshine, the color of happiness, the color of Reiner’s crown of hair, golden in the sunlight, swaying in the breeze. His footsteps approached her, and his presence settled beside her. She smiled when she saw him, his eyes downward, analyzing the blooms. His legs were crossed in front of him, as they always were. The seriousness of his expression seemed out of sorts in the pool of flowers around him, but it was perfect. It was Reiner. 

“Daffodils. They always come out at the beginning of spring.”

“Aren’t they a little late then?” 

“Yeah, but they always bloom, always.” The sun was setting. They had to return soon, but she wanted nothing but to remain in the field until the stars enveloped her eyes. She wanted nothing more than to stay there, watching Reiner partake in the beauty of the daffodil. “You know, they remind me of you.” She didn’t dare look at him after those words escaped her. Embarrassment flooded her veins. 

“Why?”

She took a breath, asking herself the same question. “Well, there was this book that I used to read all the time. It told everything there was to know about plants, when they bloom, their uses,  _ everything…” _ Voice trailing off, she looked to him. His eyes were on her; her heart responded, to her dismay. She wished he didn’t affect her so. “Did you know flowers have meanings?” He shook his head. “Well, the daffodil’s main symbolic meaning is that of new beginnings. They signal the coming of spring, even sometimes blooming in the snow. But, past that, they symbolize respect, chivalry, clarity of thought…” She stopped there, deciding to forgo the last meaning. He didn’t need to know it; she didn’t want to say it. Her cheeks felt warm, and she knew more than anyone that heat didn’t belong to the sun. “Not to mention, they’re yellow, like you.” She laughed, if only to get rid of the awkward tension in her stomach. Reiner echoed her, but he went silent again. The gravity in his eyes was too strong.

“They really remind you of me?”

Her nerves rose at that question. She didn’t want anything between them to be awkward. She didn’t want to ruin their friendship with hidden meaning. She didn’t want her words to betray her, so she nodded. Awkwardness was the bane of her existence. She rose to her feet without another word and mounted her horse again. Reiner hadn’t replied yet; she didn’t know what that silence held. All she knew was that she wanted to go back, to escape whatever tension she was feeling in the evening air. She created it; she could leave it. 

Upon her mare, her freedom returned. “Let’s head back.” So, with a jolt of her reins, she was off. 

He rode in front of her, the wind wild in his hair. She couldn’t help but stare. Broad shoulders, strong, dependable, constant. Blonde hair in the breeze, surrounded by a field of green. She hadn’t lied when she said he reminded her of the daffodil. 

She wondered what he was thinking; she wondered if she shouldn’t have said anything. She wondered what would have happened if she’d spouted off the last meaning, the most important meaning. 

_ Unrequited love. _


	26. RM7

Moonlight had never felt so foreboding. 

In a handful of hours, she would mount her steed and find her place in the long distance formation that’d drilled its way into her memory. In just hours, she would see Death again. She knew it. It was inevitable; the Titans made sure of that. 

But, for selfishness or for stupidity, she was focused on something else. 

_ Reiner.  _

Frustration filled her veins; her heart beat faster, if only to signal its existence, to signal it wasn’t broken beyond repair. As she tossed herself to the other side of her lackluster bed, she hugged her pillow closer to herself. She felt like an idiot, being so affected by such trivial things, but she couldn’t help but be jealous. 

Yet again, she’d seen Reiner flirting with Krista.

_ Envy. _

What was their relationship? What was  _ her _ relationship with him? She didn’t know, and that hurt her. She prided herself in her knowledge of the world, yet, when it came to matters of the heart, she was flying blind. 

_ She’d never had a good example to follow… _

She knew more than anyone that assumptions held no ground against fact, yet she had assumed he was closest to  _ her _ . She’d assumed she held a spot in his heart no one else could reach. She’d assumed he wanted her, as she wanted him.

_ She felt like an idiot. _

Of course he’d want Krista. She was gorgeous. She was selfless. She was the anatomical model of a perfect future wife. How did she think she could stand beside that and win? Krista had every boy in a mile radius falling at her feet. What did (f/n) have? Reiner? All he did was follow her around, laughing at her expense, asking her questions because he knew she would answer him. She’d do anything for him. 

_ Did he know that? _

Did he know that, out of anyone within the Walls, she wanted to spend her life by  _ his _ side?

_ That felt so impossible. _

She remembered what Armin had told her about Franz and Hannah’s relationship. It’d clouded their judgment and made them blind to the perils of the world. In the end, Hannah had refused to accept Franz’ fate, and she’d perished as well. (f/n) wondered if she was willing to risk that.

_ At this point, she wasn’t. _

Reiner was in love with Krista. That much was obvious. And (f/n) refused to let this cloud her judgment. She refused to lose others because of her devotion to a lost cause. 

_ (Her mother…) _

So, with another toss and turn of her body, she resolved to forgo her romantic feelings for her friend. They only spelled loss in such a world, loss for her and loss for him. If she pursued him, the likelihood of rejection was much too high. If they devoted themselves to each other, the likelihood of them losing each other and themselves in the process was much too high. The best outcome pain-wise was to watch from the sidelines and hope she had a chance in the future.

_ The future was uncertain. _

_ Anything could happen. _

_ She had to be prepared.  _


	27. RM8

Nothing could prepare a person for sitting in front of a gate that held certain peril. No training, no mind tricks, nothing. It was as if everything was out the window save for the absolute terror of the Titans and the memory of the formation. 

_ Thank goodness that had been drilled into her memory.  _

“Thirty seconds to opening!”

She knew for a fact that this would be the longest thirty seconds of her life. Glancing around, she recognized Reiner’s crown a little ways away. She didn’t know what made him turn to her, but she was glad he did. Even though she was head over heels in inner turmoil, she relished in the safety she felt when she looked into his eyes. He didn’t smile, and neither did she, but the quiet resolve in his heavy eyes was enough to assure her, if only in that moment, that she would be okay. He would be okay.

“This is it! Now the human race takes another step forward! Show me what you learned!” 

She raised her fist, solidarity and strength held within her grip. She would survive. She would not succumb to the fear the Titans engendered. She would stand tall with her comrades. She would trust them. 

_ Trust is all they have. _

“Open the gate! Launch the 57th Expedition outside the Wall! Advance!”

With that, she shook the reins so tightly held in her hands. Alice, her horse, held her ground beside the other steeds of the Survey Corps. Immediately, they crossed through the remnants of a town, long abandoned since Wall Maria was breached. Immediately, a ten meter Titan was upon them. She almost reached for her triggers to engage it, but she remembered the plan. The support team would hold off the Titans close to the Wall to give them time to get into formation and leave civilization. She trusted them, so she returned her hands to the reins.

“Long Distance Enemy Scouting Formation, deploy!”   
Based on her higher than average kill count in the Battle of Trost, she was tasked closer to the right flank of the formation. She was in the immediate first column, the first wave of enemy detection. Not surprisingly, most if not all of the new recruits had been tasked with message relay and spare horses. Even Mikasa, who’d had a higher kill count, was positioned nearer to the center of the formation, but (f/n) assumed it was due to Eren’s position at the left center of the formation, the same squad that held Mikasa. She would protect him to the death; the Commander must have planned that accordingly. Based on that, (f/n) was technically the next best recruit to fill an empty position that would normally hold a veteran. 

Despite that explanation, she felt immense terror as soon as she spotted her first Titan. Shaky hands made to reach for a smoke signal, but the leader of her squad shot off one without delay. This continued for a while, the Titans slowly coming into the light. The terror in her gut was dissipating as she saw the formation at work; they hadn’t had to engage once. 

_ Good things never last, though. _

“What the hell?!”

“Abnormals! A bunch of ‘em!”

_ Black smoke signal. _

“Prepare to engage!” 

“Is that female one leading them here?!”

_ White noise. _

She turned her head, only to feel bile well up in her throat. At least twenty Titans were headed their way, and at their center was what looked to be a blonde female, easily fourteen meters high. There was little time to think about that, though. The Titans would be upon them at any second. Shaky hands reached for her grips, then for her swords. Dull comfort filled her chest at being armed, but the adrenaline wasn’t enough. She froze when she saw the first of her squad dismount and engage a six meter class Titan. It was Colette. As soon as the woman struck the nape, another appeared behind it, reaching for her comrade. So close, so close to Colette, yet she spun out of the way and struck its nape too.

_ So close to her… _

_ Sarah… _

She couldn’t sit idly by and watch her comrades be devoured. Colette, Ivan, Declan, Stella, Schultz… None of them deserved to meet Death. She wouldn’t allow it. As she placed her feet firmly on the saddle, she extended her promise to them. She would protect them; she would bring them home. So, with that in mind, she met the air. The Female Titan hadn’t reached her position yet, but three Titans were bearing down on her group. They had to get rid of them if they wanted a chance against the horde behind them. 

Near her, Declan took out an eight meter Titan’s achilles, so she latched onto its neck and closed in. His shout barely met her ears; her heartbeat was too heavy. The rest of her squad took down the remaining two, and they were left to wait for the Female Titan to close in. 

_ It didn’t take long _ .

Instantly, she kicked Ivan’s horse from beneath him, and he flew through the air with sickening velocity. Next went Colette, then Stella, then Schultz. Declan screamed, dismounting and engaging the air. The Female Titan caught his wires, throwing him away as if his life meant nothing. 

_ Nothing. _

_ She could do nothing. _

(f/n) couldn’t even find her voice. The panic, the dread, the immense grief kept her rooted to her spot. Bile flooded her taste buds, and her heart threatened to cease its beating. She barely registered that her hands held her blades tighter than ever. The dull comfort was gone; the adrenaline left her veins; lactic acid took its place. She was vaguely aware of the blood coating her skin and clothes. Who did that belong to?

_ Thump, thump, thump. _

Was that her heart, or the Titan’s approaching footsteps? 

_ Blue eyes… _

Shocking was the fact that the Female Titan stopped to look at her, its hand outstretched to crush her. Death was there, standing by her side; (f/n) could feel it, see it, taste it. Time stood still as that gaze bore into hers. Blonde hair reminded her of Reiner, of their days in the forest cracking walnuts and watching the clouds. How ironic that a blonde Titan would crush her, just as Reiner had crushed so many walnuts. 

_ She didn’t, though. _

The Female Titan turned away from her, ran away from her,  _ left her there, alive.  _

As much as she wanted to stop and stare, she couldn’t. She couldn’t contemplate the implications in that action. Screams for Life, screams of Death, filled her ears, and she begged her legs to move. They were upon her now, finding her comrades’ broken bodies strewn throughout the grass. 

_ Move! _

_ P l e a s e ! _

Out of sheer will, she picked up her blades. She couldn’t recall when they’d fallen from her hands, but she wouldn’t let it happen again. Adrenaline finally decided to flood her being. Bile remained, for she could hear the sounds of her friends being devoured. In her stupor, she’d been too late to save Colette, too late to save Stella. 

_ She’d never forget that sight. _

There were too many to fight alone; that much she knew. There would be no show of prowess here, no blaze of glory. Two Titans were leering down at her, and she almost let them grab her. Almost, but almost is never certain. With every ounce of hope she had left, she leaped from the saddle. The first was easy to take down, so easy she couldn’t remember the technical aspects of the kill. The second, however…

_ She missed. _

Out of sheer luck, it missed too, but she knew luck wouldn’t have its way again. She had to get out of there. Treason be damned, she had to live. She had to save whoever she could, and she had to leave that hell. So, rather than engage again, she whistled for her horse, and she screamed for anyone that was alive. They were bearing down on her, five or six taking notice of the meal in front of them. 

“Is anyone alive?!” 

A voice, to her right. So close, so close.

“Somebody tell the others…”

It was Declan. A small Titan was grabbing his leg, his hand outstretched in a final gesture for Life. He was barely recognizable, what with the blood veiled across his face. Even as he clawed at the ground, (f/n) could tell he’d given up. 

_ She wouldn’t let him. _

“Right flank… Scouting Squad is nearly wiped out…”

“Shut up!”

First, she cut the wrist, then she went for the nape. It was all muscle memory at this point. She was running on autopilot, her only mission to save Declan. She’d do anything, anything at all. The Titan’s blood was satisfying, if only for the fact that it added a little more time to Declan’s clock. With a whistle, she landed beside him. He looked to her, looked through her, barely managed a cough. She picked him up, quickly mounting Alice and heading off in the direction of the Female Titan. A group was following her, but she believed in her mare’s speed, even with the added weight. Declan was still mumbling about the destruction at her back. 

_ Thump, thump, thump. _

Dissipating green smoke told her she was headed in the right direction. Everything was moving so fast, so fast. A cluster of Titans told her she was on the right track, but why were they staying at the base of such large trees? Faster, faster. Above the Titans, she could see soldiers in the trees. So close, so close. When she was within range, the Titans surrounding the trees noticed her. Fear coursed through her veins at that. She was truly between a rock and a hard place. The Titans at her back weren’t slowing down. Her only option was to dismount her horse and try to make it over the wall of Titans with Declan in tow. There was no way she could engage with him in her arms. So, she readjusted her hold on the man, and she jumped. The rest of her adrenaline, the rest of her gas, pushed her forward, and somehow, just somehow, she made it onto a branch. 

_ She didn’t know how. _

_ She didn’t want to know. _

_ She couldn’t take it anymore. _

As soon as she set her comrade down, she doubled over to vomit. Voices were at her back, but all her focus was on the dry heaving that shook her lungs. She curled in on herself, wanting nothing more than to vanish. All she could see was Death. Colette, Stella, devoured. Blood on her skin. Blame on her skin.  _ Blame, blame, blame. _

“(f/n)! Snap out of it!”

Someone was shaking her, but she couldn’t find her voice. She couldn’t find her resolve. She couldn’t bring herself to look at anyone, for fear they’d die in front of her again. 

Strong arms turned her around. 

_ Hazel… _

“(f/n), calm down. Breathe with me.” 

The rise and fall of his chest assured her he was alive. The rise and fall of her chest assured her she was alive. Up, down, in, out. Up, down, in, out. She hadn’t realized she’d lost her peripheral vision until it came back, and she saw her friends surrounding her. That dull hope rose again, as did her blame, but nothing trumped the fact that they were alive, alive and breathing.

_ Why did it all feel so wrong? _


	28. M18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've spent so much time on this chapter, and I still don't know if I like it, but it's here for your reading lol I hope it conveys what I'm going for...

Light as they were, his footsteps still reverberated off the walls. The hallway was empty as ever. In a way, it was unnerving, what with the unfamiliarity of the architecture and the waning evening light. Dismissing the feeling and continuing on, Reiner couldn’t help but let his mind wander. The whole situation was odd. They’d returned from the 57th Expedition, albeit battered and ranks heavily reduced, but no orders followed. The Female Titan had failed to be captured, and Erwin was summoned to the Interior for Eren to be dealt with. For some reason, the majority of the higher ranked members of the Surveys Corps as well as Mikasa, Armin, and Jean accompanied him. If that wasn’t odd enough, the newer recruits weren’t allowed to train, nor were they allowed to be in uniform or be armed. Every waking moment was spent in plain clothes in the mess hall of the random building they were being housed in, and most, if not all, of those moments had Reiner questioning the situation. 

To make matters worse, (f/n) had yet to show her face since they’d arrived. It’d already been a day, going on two, and his worry was becoming unbearable. She had to be traumatized. When she’d appeared on the horizon with Declan limp in her arms, he’d almost broken. He’d known she was assigned to the right flank of the formation, but he’d been too hopeful in assuming she’d made it into the trees without him noticing. Then, there she had been, bloody and bruised with the other remaining member of the right wing scouting squad approaching Death’s door. As soon as she’d made it to safety, it was as if she’d shut down. It’d taken everything in Reiner to leave her alone in the medical cart to return to his post, and he hadn’t seen her since. 

An almost nervous breath escaped him as he reached his destination, and he opened the door. As soon as he saw her, he stopped in his tracks. She was seated at Declan’s bedside, her arms crossed on the edge of the mattress and her head facing away from the door. The injured man appeared to still be asleep; from what Reiner had heard, he hadn’t woken, even as they stitched the wound across his forehead. 

A wave of envy flooded him as he took in the sight. It reminded him of his mother glued to his bedside when he was younger. His weakness always seemed to land him bedridden, and his mother would always be the one to nurse him back to health. He knew more than anyone the care the gesture held, so why was (f/n) so adamant in remaining at Declan’s side? 

What was he to her?

And why was he jealous?

He knew more than anyone that he wasn’t entitled to the girl. He was aware of her worth, aware of the wealth within her soul. 

_He couldn’t afford her._

Even so, he wished she was perched at _his_ bedside, her voice the lullaby he had come to desire in the face of his nightmares. It was only a wish, but it burned in his mind. 

_If only he had the power to douse the flames._

_If only..._

“Hey…” He reached for her shoulder, his fingertips light against the fabric of her shirt. He hadn’t expected her to wake with a start, her hand grabbing his with terror. He never would’ve imagined the fear in her eyes, directed at him. That fear was the embodiment of his worst nightmare, and he hoped to never experience it again. The day she feared him would be the day he died. “It’s okay. It’s only me.” The tension in her shoulders subsided then, and she fell back into her chair. 

“Sorry. Scared me.”

“It’s okay. I just came to check on you, see if you wanna go for a walk.”

She looked to the window. “It’s getting late, and we’re not allowed to go outside without an escort…”

Grin on his face, he shrugged his shoulders. “Who said we’d go outside?” A piece of his soul returned when her lips curled into a scarce smile, but envy took it back at her glance at Declan. She was hesitating for him. She was going to choose him over Reiner. 

_Why did it bother him so much? The man was injured._

But, her eyes found his again. 

“Okay.” With that, she rose and headed for the door, one last look over her shoulder despite Declan remaining still. Reiner followed behind and closed the door. “So, if we’re not going outside, where are we headed?”

“You’ll see.”

They walked in silence, her just a step or two behind him. He’d never known her to be so quiet, and that worried him. He needed to hear her voice; he needed her to be alright. In that moment, everything hinged on it. As they ascended the stairs, he wondered if she’d been speaking to Declan, no matter the state he was in. Had she chosen a comatose man to vent to rather than him? Childish envy bloomed in his heart yet again, and it took everything in him not to frown. 

“How is he?”

“Broken ribs and blood loss. They said he’ll be alright, but he hasn’t woken up yet.” 

Reiner opened the door of their destination, a room with a large window on the top floor. It’d been assigned to him, but he hadn’t spent much time within its walls, despite his exhaustion. Sleep wasn’t easy with worry on the mind. 

“He’s lucky.”

She didn’t look at him as she crossed the threshold. “Lucky… I guess so.” Reiner could hear the disbelief in her tone. Nothing about that pessimistic statement spoke of the (f/n) he’d come to know. Invisible wounds riddled her; she needed time to heal. If comfort quickened that time, he was more than willing. With a vague gesture, he sat upon the bed, and the girl followed. Her eyes instantly went to the stars peeking through the window to their left, just as he expected, and he smiled. There was a reason he brought her there. Choosing to remain silent, he watched her. The fragile skin beneath her eyes was darker than ever; her hair was untamed, but not in its usual fashion. Her silence continued for what felt like eternity and some change; he wished for some change. As comfortable as he was at her side, he absolutely couldn’t take the emptiness of the air in that moment. He knew she had burdens, yet she spoke not. 

He followed her eyes. The stars were as he remembered, gorgeous and innumerable. Before he’d met her, he hadn’t bothered with them. They were unchanging; they were always there. But, upon knowing (f/n), he’d understood he was desensitized to the beauty of the world. Now, mundanity was everything he yearned for. If he could, he’d voice that change. 

Her voice remained behind locked doors, even after his long contemplation. 

_Did she not trust him?_

When he turned his head again, he froze. Tears had filled her eyes, waiting impatiently to fall down her cheeks. He wasn’t well versed in these types of situations. He’d never been the comforter. Even so, he vowed to try. 

“You don’t have to talk to me, (f/n), but I want you to know I’m here for you.” 

Curved lips whispered appreciation, but she still sat wordless. Her eyes caught his, and he saw it there, the beauty of the mundane. He’d never noticed, partly because he’d never wanted to stare, but the warmth there had him begging to never look away. It was moments such as this that made him forget the stress of military life. One day, he vowed, he’d see these moments without pause. 

With one glance downward he could see the tension in her hands. “You’re blaming yourself again.” 

“I shouldn’t have frozen like I did. If I wouldn’t have—”

“Stop that.” He reached for her hands, so cold. “You can’t blame yourself here. If I’d been the last to survive, you wouldn’t let me blame myself. It’s no different for you.” Hesitation filled her movements as she caressed his hands, her thumbs nervously pacing back and forth on his skin. He’d noticed that her hands grew restless when stressed after the Battle of Trost, as if she had to keep them busy to stop her mind’s marathoning tendencies. “It’s normal to feel this way, I promise, but I also promise that no one blames you.” A bitter laugh escaped him as he gripped her hands harder. “If living is a sin, I guess we’re all guilty.” 

“Really?”

Her tears begged to be wiped away, but he couldn’t bear to let go of her hands.

“I’d never lie to you.”

She was silent for a time, rubbing circles into his calloused palms. Then, as if she’d decided to take him up on his words, she asked, “What do you think our purpose is? I always thought the purpose of life was family and friendship and love, but now I don’t know…How could that be the purpose of life if it keeps getting taken away?”

He’d wondered the same thing, many times over, too many times. He was sure the idea plagued every soldier, every person who faced the death of a loved one. But, contrary to everything Death asserted, people still created bonds. 

_He still created a bond._

“I think you’re right.”

“What do you mean?”

“I think the purpose of life is friendship and family and love, and it becomes more important in the face of Death.” His fingers looped through hers, and he found himself ever closer to her. He’d seen Death; he knew it well. _(Marcel knew it better.)_ “They give us something to fight for.” 

She nodded, as if reassuring herself that his truth belonged to her as well. Then, she said something he’d never forget. “I fight for you.” With still wet eyes, she looked away, as if to the world. “And I fight for all of our friends, and I fight for their families too.” Somewhere, there was a promise in those words. 

“I fight for you too.”

The smile he found directed at him couldn’t be any more beautiful, and, when he looked into her eyes, he saw a future he wished would stay true. 

_If only..._


	29. RM9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did everyone see the Season 4 trailer for Attack on Titan because.... I am so so so excited. They switched studios for this one, so the art style is a tad different, but I like it a lot. I'm so excited to see what they make of the Marley Arc battles and Reiner's past, as well as the ending! On that note, Chapter 129 was also released and... no words. That is all, so onto the story! :)

It felt like it’d been ages since (f/n)’d slept in, especially until the sun was partially into its race across the sky. The sunlight on her eyelids felt natural and unnatural all at once, uncommon in her line of work but nostalgic in the best of ways. She didn’t dare open her eyes for fear the moment of peace would subside. 

Contrary to yesterday, everything felt alright. 

Focusing on the absolute warmth of the bed she was in, she buried herself further into the sheets. All of her senses screamed safety. Her sight was enveloped in a warm amber hue. The barest scent of rosemary floated to her, and she remembered scouring for the sweet herb as a child. It was her mother’s favorite, as it was hers. Its page in her book of plants was permanently dog-eared; she could recite it like her name. Habitat, blooming period, uses, symbolic meaning… Her lips turned up at the memory. She’d always loved its meaning. 

_Love, loyalty, and remembrance._

The wind was blowing outside, the sound mingling with that of her abnormally loud breathing. It was then she noticed just how warm she was, just how abnormal her sleeping position was, just how odd that weight around her was. So, confused and still slow with sleep, she opened her eyes to find another beside her, and it all flooded back.

Reiner was sleeping soundly to her right. His arm was draped around her waist, and she was still propped against a pillow near the wall. His crown of golden hair was laid beside her thigh. His entire body was strewn across the bed, and she was slumped over, almost curled toward him. 

_He looked so peaceful._

Something grew out of her stomach and into her chest, and she grinned at her own wishful thinking. This, she decided, was the future she wanted. Waking up beside her best friend, feeling safety like no other in his warmth… Like he’d said the night before, love like that was the meaning of life.

_One day…_

Her hesitations didn’t stop her from curling her fingers into his hair, nor did they stop the absentminded circles she drew upon his scalp. Nothing mattered but the moment. Their relationship needed no defining; their future needed no contemplation. All she knew was his arm secure around her, and her fingers dancing in daffodil locks. 

She was so thankful for him. He was patient with her, reminding her to care for herself and fighting off her anxiety without question. She knew, as long as he was at her side, she could find strength in herself, if only to protect him, if only to fight to see him again. 

After a while, he grunted, readjusting his form as she held her breath. Then, he opened those hazel eyes. She expected him to jump away when he found her in his embrace. She expected the moment to end. But, against all her assumptions, he turned onto his side and directed that golden smile at her.

“Hey.” Never had his baritone voice felt so much like home.

“Hey.” 

She pulled her hand away, but his arm didn’t budge. The moment swayed violently in her chest.

“What time is it?”

Of course he’d ask a question like that. Looking to the window, she tried her best to measure the sun’s height. “If I had to guess, around lunch time.”

Head still against the covers, he nodded. “Don’t call it a guess. You’re always right about that stuff.” 

“No I’m not.”

“Yes, you are. That’s why I always ask you.”

Huffing a breathy laugh, she combed a hand through her hair. “Either way, shouldn’t we be getting up?”

At that, he shook his head. “Let’s stay here a little longer.” When his eyes met hers, she couldn’t disagree with him. All she wanted was to stay in that moment. Outside those doors, the World was waiting; inside those doors, her world was resting. 

“Fine.”

To her surprise, he pushed his head against her hand once more. It was a small gesture, but it was grand to her soul. The only inhabitant of her chest was her heart, and it beat double time as she tangled her fingers into his hair yet again. 

She couldn’t help but wonder what it all meant. She’d been under the impression Reiner felt only friendship and faint familial love for her, the rest of his heart focused on Krista. Everything pointed to that. He’d never outright flirted with (f/n). He joked around with her, but never in a romantic way. But, against all that, his strong arm was around _her,_ and he’d initiated such a heartfelt gesture as massaging his scalp. 

_Why?_

Then, as if he knew her thoughts, he peeled himself off the sheets, his limbs untangling themselves and righting themselves at his sides. As he stretched, a yawn escaped him. His eyes found hers again after he cleared his throat. 

She couldn’t help but feel nervous at the sound. 

“I don’t know about you, but I’m starving.”

Her awkward nature couldn’t stop the laugh in her throat, but it still rolled within her stomach. If she thought hard enough, the tension became hunger. 

“Yeah.”

He didn’t seem to notice her apprehension. If he did, he paid it no mind, for he reached out to help her out of bed. Just the thought brought fire to her cheeks; the feeling of his hand around hers didn’t help in the least; and his eyes sealed her flame-ridden demise. Then, he opened the door, and…

The moment ceased to be. 

All wishful thinking left her as they floated down the hallways and to the dining hall. When they passed a Survey Corps officer around a corner, she was truly reminded that her thoughts from earlier were far fetched at best. They were lying in wait for something terrible, whether it be losing Eren, the Commander, or a far worse course of events. Wishful thinking wasn’t favored in the grand scheme of it all. 

“You go sit down. I’ll get the food.”

When she saw the other cadets, she could barely quell the grief that welled in her stomach once more. Some had visible bandages; the rest had invisible wounds. She knew. The air was heavy with sadness, impatience, and confusion. Partaking in it, she guided her feet toward the tables, and there she found Bertholdt. When she sat across from him, he smiled at her. 

“Hey, how are you?”

The sentiment behind the words outweighed her frustration at the question. 

“I’ve been better, but I’m alright.”

His usual nod met her lie. “You know I’m here for you if you ever need me.”

She couldn’t help but smile. Bertholdt had always been so much like family to her, always there for support. She hoped he saw her in the same light. “I know. Thank you. I’m always here for you too.” The expression of his eyes spoke his thanks. 

“Well, it looks like the same old soup for today.” Reiner placed a bowl in front of her, allowing the spoon to fall into it next to a half piece of bread. He nodded at Bertholdt as he sat down. “You think they’ll have us do anything today?”

“Doubt it. They didn’t even impose a rising time this morning. Looks like we’re just supposed to sit here again.”

She mulled the information over in her head. “I wonder what there is to do here.”

“Yesterday Bertholdt and I played chess. If you want, I can beat you too.” A laugh escaped her at Reiner’s expression, raised brows and lopsided grin. 

“Sure, I’m willing to take your crown. Just let me take Declan his lunch first.” 

“Sure.”

At that, they finished their meals and went their separate ways: (f/n), to the kitchen, and Reiner and Bertholdt to get the game board. She was glad there was still some warmed soup in the pot, and she made sure to grab the largest piece of bread available. With that and a cup of water, she headed off. 

As she carried herself down the hall, she calmed her breathing. She focused on the bowl, focused on not spilling anything, focused on anything but her nearing destination. Her feet were slow and firm upon the floorboards, but not slow enough. The door came into view much too quickly for her liking. But, with all things in the military, she chose to push through the door rather than hesitate outside. 

Even still, anxiety filled her veins.

“Oh, what a surprise.”

Declan’s voice was raspy; the smile on his face was pained. He was propping himself up on his elbows, attempting to move the pillows behind his head. The gasp that left (f/n)’s lips was late and short lived. She stumbled to the table beside him to discard the bowl and glass; she wrapped her arm around his shoulders to help him sit up. A small thank you fell from his lips. 

“The nurse told me to have you move your shoulders and walk around if you’re up for it. It’s bad for you to sit still for so long with broken ribs.”

“Well, I guess let’s get me up and about.” 

As she wrapped her arms around him for better support, she felt confusion run through her. He was in bad condition; he’d barely survived a Titan’s hand. She’d seen him give up; she’d heard his supposed last words. How could he be upbeat after that? Eyes trailing to his face so close to hers, she remembered the blood that had veiled his eyes. The only clue to that sea of blood was the wide stitching that cut across his forehead. His auburn hair fell messily over the threads, as if covering an unwanted memory. 

“I’ve gotta thank you, (l/n).” 

She almost let him go. 

“What for?”

His hands found the edge of the bed for support, but he stood on his own two feet. 

“You saved my life back there.” As his bare feet attempted steps, he glanced at her. “I never would’ve guessed a new recruit would keep my ass alive, but here we are.” She was silent, stupidly silent. She knew his thanks was true, but she felt like no hero. “Broken ribs. Pretty good trade off.” His steps grew more confident as he let go of his support. She could tell he was exhausted, though. “You know, I’d given up back there. Was spoutin’ off to the air in some last attempt to make my life mean something to our story. Then, here you came telling me to shut up and killin’ that Titan like it spoke ill of your mother. I don’t remember much after that, but I know you hadto’a carried me pretty far. Sorry ‘bout that.” The grim look in his eyes didn’t match his smile, not in the slightest. 

She took a seat on the mattress to prolong her silence. It was still warm beneath her, added proof he was standing there _alive._ “I’d carry you again if it meant saving you.” The smile reached his eyes; he shouldn’t look at her like that. 

“The way it’s looking, you may just have to.” A sigh left him, rugged and torn. “You know as much as I do about all this, but I doubt it’s gonna slow down.”

She let her open hands fall upon her knees, and her eyes found the palms hypnotizing. Those hands had saved a life; those hands had failed. “I wish it would.”

“(f/n), when you’ve been here as long as I have, you figure out life never slows down. You just gotta run with it until it’s run its course.”

Despite the tension, a laugh left her. “You say that as if you’re old. You’re just a few years older than me.”

“All the more reason to believe me.”

“Don’t worry, I do.”

His weight fell next to her, and she glanced in his direction. “I know that look,” he sighed, his eyes heavy upon her skin. “You blame yourself.” She couldn’t help but bow her head in shame. “Don’t. If you listen to anybody about this, listen to me. Don’t blame yourself. Colette, Stella, Schultz, Ivan… I’ve known them since our training days, and I _know_ they don’t blame you for what happened. I wouldn’t have blamed you; I don’t blame you. The only one to blame is that damn Female Titan. Your hands are clean.”

“I know.” _Reiner told her._ “But it’s hard.”

“It is hard. But you just have to remember who’s still here.” His hand met the stitching upon his forehead. “And you remember that if you don’t keep fightin’, all of it was for nothing. I don’t want it to be for nothing.”

_Nothing…_

“I don’t either.” 

His grin found her determined. “Then that’s settled. I think a meal is in order. Thanks for bringing it, by the way.” She reached for the lukewarm dish she’d left upon the nightstand, dropping it into Declan’s waiting hands. 

“You’re welcome. Do you need anything else?”

“Unless you’re some sort of healer, I’m good.” 

Laughing, she moved his glass of water nearer to him. “We’re both out of luck there. If that’s it, I’m gonna head out. Thank you for talking some sense into me.”

“Always here if you need me. Thanks again, for everything.”

A nod was the only answer she could find. Then, she made her way into the hallways again. She couldn’t remember a time when she felt so light; her recent memories had been so heavy on her soul. But, with Reiner and Declan’s combined words, she had arguments to throw at herself whenever doubt crept into her mind. Blame wouldn’t hold her again. She wouldn’t let it.

When she made it back to the dining room, she found Reiner and Bertholdt already engrossed in a battle of minds. She stood at the door for a moment to admire the expressions of sheer focus upon both their faces. Reiner’s arms were crossed in contemplation; Bertholdt’s hand was upon his chin. They were taking it seriously, as they always did. 

Without another thought, she took a seat to the left of Reiner, and he nodded in greeting. That lopsided grin tilted more into cockiness as he looked away again. A glance at the board told her the game was nearly evenly matched. Two pieces were taken on both sides so far; the game had only begun. Nearer to the window, Sasha and Connie were enamored with the view; perhaps they were wishing to leave on their own accord again. In the midst of her thinking, Reiner made another move. His eyebrows furrowed and his lips pursed when Bertholdt retaliated with a quick turn around.

_Cute…_

“You know, this place isn’t far from my village…” came Connie’s voice. His eyes were still focused outside. His head was tilted, his hand supporting it. 

Sasha was a mirror. “We’re close to my hometown too.”

“We’ve come all the way out to the south part of Wall Rose… Why can’t we go back? We don’t have anything to do either… We’re just sitting here all day.” He loosened his shoulders. “This sucks, honestly. Maybe I’ll sneak out tonight.”

Sasha’s hair swayed as she glanced over at the boy. “Oh, you want to go home that badly? I was told not to come home until I became _respectable._ ”

Connie laughed. “Everyone said that a midget like me could never become a soldier, but I ended up a prodigy… I made the top ten of my training corps. That’s why I’m gonna go back to my village and lord it over them. I _want to,_ while I’m still alive.”

At that, Reiner cut into the conversation. “Connie, if you’re serious about that, I’ll help you.” (f/n) was honestly surprised, even though she knew she shouldn’t have been. He’d spoken to her many times about his desires to return home, even though it was deep in Titan territory. The idea of home was something he’d fight tooth and nail for; she knew that more than anyone. If he recognized the desire in someone else, he’d help them as well. It was just in his character: dependable, absolute.

“What? Why?” Connie didn’t know him as well.

“Don’t you think this is strange?” Reiner’s eyes left the board. “Why are we on standby in plainclothes? Our orders said not to wear our uniforms, and not to train. Why? We’re soldiers!” He glanced out the window, then around the room. The tension in his shoulders didn’t go unnoticed. “What makes me even more suspicious is the fact that our officers are fully equipped. We’re not on the frontlines. We’re inside the Walls! What are they going to be fighting?”

She had to admit she’d wondered the same thing. If there was a threat, would it not be in everyone’s interest to have even the newer recruits prepared as well? The whole thing was odd.

Connie wasn’t convinced. “Must be bears around here.”

“Heh, bears. Sure… They’d just have guns if they were worried about bears.”

Shaking his head, Reiner let his eyes fall on the board again. “Everyone’s confused. They don’t know what’s going on. You two are the only ones here who are relaxed and carefree. Personally, I feel like sneaking out and seeing how our officers react.”

(f/n) laughed at that, as well as Sasha’s head falling to the table in boredom. “I doubt that. You’re too much of a goody two shoes to pull something like that.” Reiner’s shove to her shoulder didn’t suppress her smile. “But, I do agree with you. Something’s off about all this. It’s like they don’t trust—”

“Guys! I hear the ground rumbling! It sounds like footsteps!” Sasha’s previously bored eyes were wide with fear. Everyone tensed. Sasha’s senses had proven to be spot on in almost every case; if she was scared, something was wrong. That light feeling from just moments before fell into the deep chasm of (f/n)’s stomach. At the feeling of fear, she looked to Reiner.

“What are you on about, Sasha?” His hands were gripping his crossed forearms a little too hard for (f/n)’s liking. “If you’re trying to say that there are Titans here… you realize that would mean… they’ve broken through Wall Rose?”

“I’m telling the truth! I know I heard footsteps!”

Suddenly, Nanaba appeared outside the window, slamming open the panes. “Is everyone here?” Nods met her eyes. “We have multiple Titans nearby, five hundred meters to the south. They’re headed this way. There’s no time for you to change into your gear. Get on horseback immediately. Sweep through and evacuate nearby houses and villages. Got that?” 

Fear gave way to terror as (f/n) remembered the injured down the hall. “Wait! What about the injured?” 

What about Declan?

“They’re being put into carts as we speak. They’ll be fine.”

Dread spread through her veins at the thought of being unarmed. She’d promised herself that she’d be prepared the next time an emergency arose. She’d taken to wearing her harnesses even on days off for that specific reason. But, when it came down to it, a breach just had to happen when they were ordered to remain unarmed and unprepared.

Connie’s eyes were wide. “From… the south?”

Reiner’s demeanor had switched. His fingers were twitching. She’d never seen them do that. “So, they broke through the Wall…?” His voice was fearful. 

“Alright, get going! You won’t be able to sit around like idiots anymore if you end up dead!”

Despite those words and despite her training, (f/n) felt rooted to her seat. She felt so unprepared; she hated being unprepared. But, Reiner’s hands found her shoulders, and he all but lifted her off the bench. They didn’t leave her until they were running down the hallway.

“You can’t freeze up like that on me, (f/n)! We’ve got a job to do! You gotta fight!” When her eyes met his again, for what could very well be one of the last times, she found her strength. She had to fight. For Reiner, for her friends, for her comrades, for the people sitting in their villages unaware of danger just across the horizon.

“You better fight too!” 

Despite the unmasked fear, he grinned. “I will. Promise.”

With that, they grabbed their saddles and mounted their steeds. From point, Squad Leader Mike rallied his voice above thundering hooves. “Once the group of Titans reaches the woods, everyone disperse! Before then, I want you to form four teams! Groups made up of the 104th corps and armed troops will split into north, south, east, and west teams! Avoid combat whenever possible, and focus on spreading information! I leave the details of this mission to your discretion! Branch off as you find people or villages! South team will also be responsible for identifying the damaged section of the Wall! For that reason, that team will need more people! Is anyone here familiar with the area?!”

A couple horses away, Sasha raised her hand. “Yes, sir! My home village is in the northern forest! I know the terrain! And Connie…”

Wide, unfocused, Connie’s eyes stared ahead. “My village is to the south… where the Titans are coming from… I can guide them to the villages nearby. But, after that, please let me go to my village! I know that, by the time I get there, it’ll probably be hopeless… but I have to go!”

Mike looked back with a nod. “Alright, you’ll guide the south team.”

Then, ever dependable, Reiner’s voice broke through the air. “Connie, I’m coming too.”

“The south is probably the most dangerous! It’s full of Titans!”

“What are you saying? Didn’t I tell you I’d help you slip out?” He glanced backward, and he met eyes with Bertholdt and (f/n). “What about you, Bertholdt? I’m not going to force you to come, but we need numbers.”

“Of course I’m coming too.”

“Me too!” If (f/n) was going to make good on her promise to protect her comrades, she had to be there. Not to mention, she wanted to be there for Connie. If his village was to the south, the likelihood that it was destroyed was much too high, and she didn’t know how he’d deal with it. 

“No! You go with Sasha to the north. It’s too dangerous.” Reiner’s eyes were hard as they met hers again. The grim line of his mouth stayed straight, too straight. She vehemently shook her head in retaliation. 

“You can’t tell me what to do, Reiner! I’m going! I want to be there for Connie! And I want to help everyone I can!”

He turned away. 

Near Mike, Nanaba raised her voice as well. “As you’ve probably realized, this is the worst day in human history! And humanity will have to work harder than we ever have before, starting now!”

“The Titans have reached the woods! Disperse! Gallop past them at top speed!” 

When (f/n) looked back, she saw multiple heads peeking out of evergreen points. But, to her dismay, they sprinted out of them with swift legs, now visible in the open fields. They’d catch up in no time. This was the place she would—

“Gelgar, take command of the south team!” Mike turned toward the approaching killers, his horse already speeding straight into danger’s waiting arms. 

“Squad Leader Mike’s going to act as a decoy?!”

“One man against the Titans?! That’s ridiculous!”

“No! We need everyone here! Trust Mike! He’s the second toughest soldier in the Survey Corps, after Captain Levi! He’ll get through this alive! I know he will! Now disperse!”

The lack of fear Mike Zacharias possessed baffled (f/n), to the point she almost looked back at him one last time, but she didn’t. She had orders to follow, and she believed in her superior fully, to the brim of her being. So, she directed her horse to follow Nanaba’s to the west, refusing to glance at Reiner, lest she follow him.

In the end, she’d heeded his words. 

_ What did that say about her? _

They rode for what felt like eternity, watching and waiting for more Titans in their path. Yet, none showed. The first village came into view soon, and a rider fell off to warn them. Then came the next, and the next. Ymir and Krista were to (f/n)’s right, just behind Nanaba. Because they were unarmed, they were ordered to break off only if absolutely necessary. 

To (f/n)’s surprise, that time didn’t come. 

It’d been seven hours of hard riding, and they were still headed toward Wall Rose. She could tell her horse was nearing its ceiling in terms of stamina, as were her comrades’. They’d slowed considerably in that last hour, and the ground seemed to never end.

“This area is close to the Wall. There won’t be any people living around here,” spoke a man near the helm. (f/n) couldn’t remember his name for the life of her; her mind was running on some concoction of adrenaline, fear, and urgency, and it didn’t deem the information important.

Nanaba was silent for a moment. “I see… We finished faster than I thought we would. Let’s keep heading south.”

“Why?” To her right, Ymir looked exasperated. “There shouldn’t be any people farther south.”

“We have to determine where the Wall was breached. We’ll ride alongside it from the west and have a look. It’d be faster than letting the south team do it alone.”

That didn’t satisfy Ymir. “You know that Krista, (f/n), and I don’t have our gear, right? Anywhere farther south should be crawling with Titans… It’s highly probable that we’d end up as snacks. Please let us pull back from the front lines for now.”

“Ymir?!”

(f/n) shook her head. “No, I can’t just sit still now. I’ll stay. You guys can go.”

“No.” Nanaba’s voice was commanding, fit of a high ranked officer. “We don’t know what could happen. I want to have a few messengers ready to go. I know how you feel, but… Since you chose to be soldiers, you need to be prepared. Everything’s riding on this early response mission.”

“Ymir, I want to stay here and do everything I can. I mean… I decided to join the Survey Corps on my own, but…” Krista’s voice carried over to (f/n), even over the hammering hooves. “You didn’t, right? Back then… you chose the Survey Corps because I—”

“Because what?! Are you saying I joined for your sake?!”

(f/n) could believe it. It was obvious, the way Ymir hovered over Krista, despite her blatant denial. It seemed Krista’s charm knew no bounds.

“Then why are you here right now? If you don’t have a reason, then just start running.” 

Silence.

“I knew… there was no way I should have been in the top ten of our class. Ask anyone, and they’d have said you should’ve been there instead, or Sasha, or Armin. I don’t know how you did it, but… Maybe it was you constantly pushing me to go into the Military Police, or maybe you even tried to give me your spot… Why would you do that for me?”

Now that was news to (f/n). She felt ashamed to be eavesdropping, but the situation didn’t allow her to give them privacy. Even so, her opinion was the same as Krista’s. Ymir must have done something; she didn’t know how, or why, but she had some guesses for the latter. 

“Does it have… something to do with my family?”

What does Krista mean by that?

“Yeah. It does. But, Krista… Don’t worry. I’m here entirely for my own sake.”

“Alright, good…” The smile on Krista’s face didn’t betray the gravity of Ymir’s words, and (f/n) was left to contemplate exactly what it all meant. 

In actuality, it wasn’t her place to contemplate anything, but the situation begged for any thoughts other than those pertaining to the breach. Yes, she was aware of the quickly moving Wall sprawling into the distance to her right, but she had many thoughts occupying the rest of her frazzled mind. Did Ymir, the hardened girl she rarely conversed with, care for Krista beyond comradery? Yes. Beyond friendship? Most likely. Would she ever admit it in anything other than jokes? Most likely not. Did Krista feel the same?

Now that question threw everything out of whack, for it brought Reiner into the mix. Did Krista care for Reiner, as he did her? Did Reiner even like her that way, or was it all friendly flirting? Did Reiner like her—

_More like, would Reiner be alright?_

It was pointless to worry over their relationship when his life was in peril. He’d gone to the south, where the Titans originated. He was strong, yes, but he was unarmed, just as she was. Danger was imminent with that recipe. But, then again, the sun’s remnants were barely winking over the Wall. If he was alive, the darkness would aid him and his group as they searched the area for the breach. 

_He’s alright._

As she rode slowly behind Nanaba, torch in hand, she repeated those words to the void of her mind. He had to be alright. He’d told her to not freeze up again, and he’d told her to fight. She wouldn’t allow her fears, her worries over his well being, to deter her from her mission. Her eyes stayed alert on the path ahead, right, left, rear. Deep breathing was heard all around, from the horses and their riders alike. All were exhausted; all were in paranoia. Each and every sound was analyzed. Each and every silhouette was scrutinized. Titans could be lying in wait…

And that was terrifying.

When torches began floating in her sight, (f/n) thought she’d finally gone mad. Then came Reiner’s face, eerie in the torchlight, and she all but pinched herself. Perhaps she really had lost her mind in the darkness, maybe an hour behind them, probably two. She was hallucinating; she had to be. 

But then she saw Gelgar, and Bertholdt too.

“Did you follow the Wall here, too?”

“Yeah,” breathed Nanaba, “so where’s the hole?” Gelgar shook his head, disbelief clear as day on his shadowed face. “We took a detour and followed alongside the Wall starting from the far west, but we didn’t find anything strange. If we didn’t find it, then surely you must have?”

“No… We haven’t seen a hole, either…”

_What?_

“Could you have missed it?”

“No way. The damage would have to be large enough for a Titan to pass through.”

_W h a t ?_

“What should we do? Do you want to check again?”

“We should, but I think both we and our horses are near exhaustion. We’d just be even less focused than before. If we at least had some moonlight…” Only that wish was answered, as the clouds dispersed enough to see a structure looming in the distance. 

“Is that a ruined castle?” 

“Well, that’s one answered prayer.”

_And a thousand unanswered questions…_

She was certain sleep wouldn’t be coming for her that night.


	30. RM10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prolonging the inevitable by cutting this originally 7000 word chapter into two so this one ends nicely? Yes.

As they led their horses to the surprisingly sturdy stables, (f/n) fought the urge to run to Reiner and spout off her thoughts and feelings. Though she felt like a rambling storm, he seemed deep in thought; he’d probably witnessed unthinkable things, what with the look in Connie’s eyes as well. She’d come to know that that expression, paired with crossed arms and downturned head, meant thinking of the solitary kind, and she respected that. So, she tied up her horse near the water, and she removed her saddle with an apology. The mare had been pushed to her limit; she deserved rest.

If only they could truly rest. 

“Jeez, this place is close to the Wall, but there are some signs that someone was living here until recently…”

“Some hooligans must have been using this place as their base. The sign said it’s called ‘Utgard Castle.’” 

It didn’t feel prestigious, nor did it hold the same wonder the Survey Corps Headquarters instilled. The curtain walls were crumbling in many places. Only the turret and its accompanying tower remained standing tall, but they weren’t pristine. Even so, they set up camp in the larger tower, or, to be honest, they utilized the already erected camp. A fire pit was constructed in the center, and crates of who-knows-what were strewn across the floor. Based on that fact alone, someone had been living there for the long term. 

But who?

_ It probably doesn’t matter. They won’t be coming back any time soon. _

“I never knew that there was a castle this old in a place like this,” spoke Nanaba from beside the fire. Henning and Lynne had settled beside her, and Connie and Reiner were staring into the fire across from them. Krista and Ymir took to the wall near the stairs; (f/n) settled herself on the chair across from Bertholdt. She could tell the woman was attempting conversation to battle the tension in the air, and any other time she would’ve played along, but no words met her tongue. Instead, she crossed her arms in front of her, allowing her chin to rest there, and she stared at the light dancing across Reiner’s face. 

_ It was always him. _

“Hey, check this out.” Gelgar emerged from the only door in the circular room. “I even found this right here. Hmm? What’s written on it?” He held the bottle up to his face, as if the words were only to be read up close.

“Is that alcohol, Gelgar? You’re not thinking of drinking it, are you?”

“At a time like this? Don’t be stupid…”

Henning chuckled. “Who’d have thought we’d owe the roof over our heads to a thieves’ stash?”

“Are you sure  _ we’re  _ not the thieves here?” Nanaba laughed, and Lynne followed along; no one else found the humor. Gelgar walked through the group, a frown upon his face.

“You recruits rest up. The sun has been down for a while now. I doubt any Titans will still be moving, but we’ll still take turns keeping watch. We leave four hours before sunrise.”

“Um…” Krista’s voice seemed to surprise even herself. “If it turns out that the Wall really hasn’t been breached… where could the Titans have come from?”

“Determining that is our job tomorrow. Focus on resting for now.” With that, the man headed up the stairs to start first watch.

“Could it be… that things aren’t as bad as we initially assumed?” Krista glanced around. “How could I put it…”

“Yes, the number of Titans does appear to be small. It’d be hard to say for sure that they’ve really broken through the Wall…” Henning looked to Nanaba, and she averted her eyes to the fire. 

“The only time we’ve seen any Titans so far was when we first discovered them…”

Ymir spoke next. “Connie, what happened to your village?”

That grim look was still in his eyes. “It was destroyed.” (f/n) couldn’t help an intake of air at those words. “The Titans… They had already trampled through the entire village. But no one had been eaten. It looks like everyone managed to get away. I’m at least… glad for that.”

Ymir’s eyes were wide. “Didn’t you say that your village was destroyed?”

“Houses and everything were damaged, but there were no victims from the village. If they had been eaten, then… There would have been blood or other remains left behind, right? There weren’t any, so it must mean that no one was killed. Only…” He bowed his head. “There’s one thing that’s bothered me since then… It’s the Titan that was in my house. It was just lying there for some reason, even though there was no way it could move on its own… And, well, the thing kind of… resembled my mom… What could it—”

“Connie,“ Reiner, silent as he had been, furrowed his brows, “are you still going on about that? You’re—”

“Are you stupid or something?” Ymir’s laugh was all sorts of wrong. “So… Your mom was a Titan, Connie?!” The insensitivity made (f/n) grip her forearms harder and throw the girl a glare. “If that’s the case, then why the hell are you so tiny?! C’mon, Connie! How does that even make any sense?! I always knew you were a moron, but maybe it’s the opposite! Maybe you’re some kind of genius, right?! So, if your theory is right, then your dad must be a Titan too, right? ‘Cause, if not, then… you know… How would they be able to—” 

“Ymir!” (f/n) couldn’t just sit by and let the girl drag a joke like that over him. Tension was high already. “That’s unnecessary. Let’s just rest, alright?”

She rolled her eyes in response. “Fine, fine. Just admit it was a good joke, and I’ll be satisfied.” A glare met her words. “Or not.”

No moonlight shone into the room, no natural light at all. Only torchlight and a campfire allowed sight, but (f/n) knew the night sky was a foreboding one. As she rolled her head over to stare at the ghost of the table, enclosed on all sides by her arms, she reminded herself she was safe. She found solace in Hange and the Survey Corps’ Titan research. Though the Titans were individualized, as she had learned, they all ran out of energy when the sun hid behind the horizon. There was no reason to feel fear under the cover of the moon. As Gelgar said, they’d leave before dawn, before the sun ended the enemies’ slumber. And, not to mention the armed veterans in their camp... Their comrades were capable. 

_ Still, her anxiety refused to secede.  _

“Hey, (f/n)...” came Bertholdt’s soft voice, and she raised her head to find him mirroring her position across the table, arms crossed with chin supported. “Are you alright?”

She sighed. Something in her her wanted to lash out, to tell him the question was stupid. But, as tempting as it was, she chose to keep her frustration behind her teeth. “As alright as possible in this situation,” she whispered back. Privacy was hard to come by in such a cramped space. 

He was silent for a moment. “Do you want to talk about it?” 

She managed to raise the corner of her lips, if only at the care. “Thanks, Bert, but I really don’t know where to start.”

“Just start with what you’re thinking about.” 

As she ordered her thoughts, she tilted her head for better comfort; comfort didn’t come. “I’m worried about Squad Leader Mike. He went off on his own, and I would’ve thought he’d return to your guys’ squad to assess the damage. Then the fact that there was no damage that we noticed, and we didn’t even come across any Titans. And Connie’s village… I don’t understand how the houses would be destroyed but no bodies were found. What did you think while you were there?”

This time, Bertholdt tilted his head, his eyes on the wall. “I thought it was odd too. Titans don’t attack houses without people, but no people were present. We can only assume they got away.”

She nodded. “Even so, I can’t help but worry about  _ all _ the people within Wall Rose. They must be terrified… We all are…” 

_ I’m terrified.  _

She took a deep breath, finding her solace again. “But we have to keep moving forward.” Looking to Reiner, she saw his shoulders tense. Those had been his words; he’d said them to her many times before. 

“You’re right. It’s all we can do.” Surprisingly, it was Bertholdt who responded. “You should probably get some rest, (f/n). Here.” He removed his forest green sweater, bundling it up. “Use this as a pillow.”

“Are you sure?”

He smiled. “Positive. You need the rest more than me. I’ll be alright.”

“Thank you.”

“Anytime.”

Allowing the soft material to rest in her hands, she pushed her chair out and stood. She decided the open area on Bertholdt’s side of the table seemed the most likely to bring her rest, so she stepped around Reiner and sat down there. The stones were cold and dense beneath her as she lay down, her makeshift pillow beside Reiner’s thigh.

_ If only… _

She was reminded of how her day had begun, of Reiner’s head beside her own thigh at dawn. As she stared into the flames, she wished their heat could compare to that complete and utter warmth she’d felt hours and hours before. If only they could return to that moment; if only he hadn’t opened the door; if only the moment hadn’t ended. 

But then, something so inexplicable happened. 

A hand found her scalp, and fingers twirled hesitant circles into her hair. She waited a moment to look up, afraid she’d fallen victim to her imagination, but she found Reiner’s arm connected to the hand. His chin was resting in his other palm, his elbow upon his knee, and he met her eyes for only a moment, but it was enough. Enough to tell her she’d be alright; enough to tell her he was there. 

_ Just enough.  _

Even after he’d pulled away, she felt his presence beside her, comforting and still. She wished he’d have continued. She wished she could do the same for him. Even still, the brief gesture repeated in her mind, and she found her eyes heavy with exhaustion. The fire danced behind her eyelids as she imagined life without worries; life with Reiner. And, with inner warmth and outer chill, she slept. 


	31. RM11

_She should’ve remembered, good things never last._

“All troops, wake up! Get to the roof! Everyone, now!”

It was Lynne’s voice, from high in the tower, and it jolted (f/n) right out of her fitful slumber. She rose to her feet out of pure instinct, and her head spun as she mindlessly ran for the stairs. No words were shared as they ascended the stairs, almost tripping over each others’ feet due to anxious velocity. 

Right, left, right, left…

The stairs never seemed to end.

When they did, (f/n) wished they wouldn’t have. 

Abject fear seeped into her bones when she saw them. At least ten Titans of various heights surrounded the tower, their vicious grins taunting in the moonlight. They weren’t clawing at the foundation yet, but she knew it was only a matter of time. Their eyes were already on them; a group of humans never went unnoticed by the villains. 

“The moon came out, and the next thing I knew…” Lynne’s words were breathless, fearful. 

“Why?! Why are they still moving?! Hours have passed since sunset!” Gelgar’s words were absolutely exasperated, terrified. 

“The moon…” (f/n)’s voice couldn’t bear the weight of her words, broken upon the wind. She remembered her conversation with Hange. She remembered the woman saying the Titans fell victim to darkness at differing rates. She remembered the fact that Titans were individualized. Based on that—

“Hey, look at that!” Connie was pointing behind her, so she turned, and a gasp left her. “It’s huge. What the hell _is_ that thing? A Titan? Or… Doesn’t it look like some sort of animal?”

It was a Titan, that was for certain. It was easily seventeen meters tall, and its body, save for its abdomen and face, was covered in what looked to be thick fur. It paid the group on the tower no mind, only traipsing past them without a glance. 

“An abnormal?” Her voice found her. “Why is it… heading for the Wall?” Before she could look away, a shockwave caused her to stumble along with her comrades. A Titan had slammed into the tower’s cylindrical walls. She grabbed onto the battlement as if it was a railing, and her eyes found those of their essential captors. They’d finally decided the tower was interesting. 

_What monsters._

“Wait, wait, wait! Don’t start coming in here! You gotta be kidding me!” Gelgar jumped onto the battlement, brandishing his swords with adrenalized rage. “Don’t fuck with me! ‘Cuz of you bastards, I can’t even get a drink!”

“Stay back recruits,” Nanaba followed behind, her gaze hard with history. “It’s time to switch to vertical maneuvering.” With that, the four veteran members of the Survey Corps leapt into Titan territory. They embodied the strength of those willing to cross barriers and fight, and fight they did. (f/n) stayed near the edge, a willing witness to the prowess of the elites. Gelgar and Nanaba’s teamwork took down a ten meter Titan in no time at all. The Titan took out two of its own kind in its fall. Lynne and Henning took out their own Titans, much smaller than the first but still impressive kills. But, before the battle could continue, Lynne scaled the wall with quick feet and hasty wires. 

“Titans have entered the tower!” Her eyes were wide with disbelieving fear. How could they believe this was happening? “Get back inside and put up barricades to stop them! Our maneuvering equipment will be useless inside. If you can’t stop them… then, worst case, escape to this rooftop. Just remember,” she turned toward the battle again, “I can’t promise that we’ll come to save you. I don’t even know if _we’ll_ be alive or not. We can’t tell how many Titans are left, or whether our blades and gas will last long enough. But, do as you always do. Give it all you’ve got, as long as you’re alive! Got that?!”

“Yes ma’am!”

Everyone ran for the stairs again, anxious velocity still refusing to let up. Reiner plucked a torch from the wall as they ran. “I’ll see how far the Titans have come! The rest of you, gather up everything you can! Boards, poles, whatever you can find!” (f/n)’s anxiety rose as she shouted after him. 

_He always had to be the hero, didn’t he?_

“Reiner, wait!” Bertholdt’s voice also fell on deaf ears. Reiner’s blonde hair disappeared through the doorway. 

“He’s the same as he was in training. He’s always the first to rush into danger.” Connie shook his head. “I’d never be able to do that…”

“Yeah, it’s a bad habit of his.” Bertholdt looked to (f/n). She understood.

“Let’s hurry and gather materials! We’ve gotta help him!” She spotted a canon in the corner. Dust and cobwebs covered it, and no ammunition or gunpowder surrounded it. It was useless unless used as a blockade. “Guys, help me move this toward the door!” 

“Down here! Bring something! Anything!” Reiner’s voice echoed up the stairwell, distress in every syllable. 

Everyone pushed harder, everyone except for Bertholdt. He grabbed a pitchfork from the floor and ran. They followed behind, almost agonizingly slow in (f/n)’s mind. Once they got the weapon through the door, (f/n) all but screamed at her friends. “Reiner! Bertholdt!” They were holding the Titan back with the pitchfork. It looked as if the handle would snap any second. 

Ymir’s voice took to the air next. “Powder, shells, we don’t have any of that! We’re throwing it at ‘em! Outta the way!”

With that, they let loose one last shove, and the cast iron artillery flew down the rails of the stairs and impacted their foe. The weight was enough to trap it, but it didn’t land in such a way to block the doorway. They needed to move, quickly. 

“Looks like it worked… miraculously.”

“Yeah, it can’t get out from under that, not at its size.”

Connie, with knife in hand, stared at the trapped Titan. “What should we do? All I have is this knife. Should we try to cut its neck?”

Wiping his forehead, Reiner turned away. “Forget it. Too dangerous. It just has to grab you to maim you.”

(f/n) glanced at Bertholdt, seeing him approach some crates near the wall. She decided to follow. Perhaps they could find some sort of weapons, or, if that failed, they could at least pile the boxes themselves in front of the door in some attempt at a blockade. 

“Connie!” 

She turned at Krista’s fear-stricken voice, and she almost shrieked at the sight of another small Titan leaning down to bite Connie’s turned head. But, Reiner’s hand connected with the evil being’s face, and he pushed Connie to the floor. 

Time seemed to slow as teeth tore into the flesh of his forearm. 

“Reiner!” She cried as she ran toward him, but he flipped the monster onto his back, arm still within its jaws. He looked so strong in that moment, unyielding even in the face of pain. His brows were furrowed with pain and resolve, and his feet trudged their way up the steps, one after the other, slowed with added weight. 

He was heading toward the window. 

She leapt up the stairs after him, hoping and praying for another option. She refused to lose him like this. She refused to let him sacrifice himself. “You are not jumping out that window, Reiner!”

“It’s all I can do! I have to keep you guys safe!” 

In an act of pure desperation, she wrenched the knife from Connie’s frozen hands. He shouted after her in fear. She couldn’t hear anything. She only knew she had to save Reiner. If she didn’t, what was she worth? 

_To her, he was worth everything._

“Stop!” His knee was upon the window sill, and he finally met her eyes. “(f/n)!”

“Hold still, you idiot!” With shaking hands, she plunged the blade into the Titan’s cheek. The force of the action caused her hand to slip downward onto the blade, but she didn’t falter in dragging metal through steaming flesh. When she tore the knife loose, the jaw fell open. She grabbed Reiner as Ymir and Bertholdt tossed the devil to the ground far below. She barely registered the sound as she turned to—

“Reiner…” He was holding his wrist in an attempt to support broken bone. It was obviously broken; no arm was meant to bend like that. (f/n) placed her hand on his shoulder, pushing him up the stairs. She refused to meet his eyes. Hers were already filled with tears. 

Once they reached the next floor, she pushed him to the ground. “You, sit down.” Her words were a concoction of worry and anger, relief and fear. She picked up the bottle of alcohol Gelgar had left by the door. It would have to do as a disinfectant; anything was better than nothing. When she turned back around, though, Krista was at Reiner’s side. She’d torn a piece of her skirt’s hem away to make a tourniquet around Reiner’s bicep. 

The sight was enough to make (f/n) give up. 

So, she set the liquor down beside the two, heading in the direction of Bertholdt and the others. They were gathering unused boards and poles to barricade the door. She decided she could at least help with that. She understood the basics of building a structure, and that was more than enough for their situation. 

“(f/n), we need to dress your wound as well,” spoke Krista as she passed. It was only then that she realized the extent of the damage. Blood was trickling from her palm to the floor; the red was sickening, full of pain. It was the first time she’d been injured so deeply. Sure, she’d gotten cuts and scrapes in her sixteen years of life, but nothing could compare.

She couldn’t tell if she was mesmerized or frozen with horror.

Strong hands gripped her shoulders, guiding her to sit down. “I’ll do it.” Bertholdt left her to grab his sweater from where she’d left it in their panic. Then, he sat before her, ripping the sleeves into strips of forest green cloth. When that was done, he tied one around her arm to quell the bleeding. 

“It’s probably fractured, right?” Krista’s words floated to her, but she continued to stare ruefully at Bertholdt’s hands dressing her own. He grabbed the bottle of liquor, whispering an apology, and the liquid fire met her skin. When it did, she could see the extent of the wound: not too long, not too deep, but too much for comfort. She winced at the sensation, her hand shaking in Bertholdt’s grip.

“Yeah, just my luck.” 

“Now, a splint and a bandage. Oh, that’s it…” When (f/n) heard the tear of fabric, she glanced over to see Krista tearing off the rest of her skirt. Reiner’s eyes were on the girl’s legs. She couldn’t bear the sight. “All I have is this dirty cloth. I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m grateful.”

Bertholdt placed a folded square of fabric on her palm, slowly wrapping the strips around it to secure it in place. Instantly, she could feel the blood seeping through. “You probably need stitches.”

She sighed. “Of course. You’d think I’d be able to handle a knife correctly by now.”

He shook his head. “You did great for the circumstance. I’m proud of you.”

“Thank you, Bert, but you did better. A pitchfork? Really?” She managed a laugh. It was all she could do to lighten the mood. They needed some light.

He huffed. “Shut up.”

“Are you okay, Reiner?” Connie and Ymir approached. They’d finished the barricade; for the lack of materials, it looked like it’d hold up. 

“Yeah, I guess.” His voice was hard. She understood why, but that didn’t make her like the sound.

“Hey, Krista, my hand got skinned too.” Ymir was joking, obviously, but she sounded sincere.

“Just spit on it. Anyways, (f/n), are you alright too?” 

She shrugged her shoulders. “Could be better, but it’s not that bad.”

“That’s good, at least…” Connie sighed. “Reiner, I’m sorry about just now. It’s like… you’re always saving my ass. Yeah, now that I mention it, Annie risked her life to save me, too. I need to repay you someday.”

“For that?” She finally looked to Reiner, and his eyes were wide. Then, within a second, they averted to the floor, brows furrowed and resolve visible. “It was my duty… We’re soldiers.”

“Really? I’m not so sure that I could risk my life like you just did, like (f/n) just did… Without even a second of hesitation… Hey, Bertholdt, has Reiner always been like this, even before training?”

Bertholdt had just tied the makeshift bandage around her wrist. It felt tight, secure, safe. His eyes fell on his friend after he retracted his hands. “No. Reiner used to be… a Warrior. He’s different now.”

At the odd choice of words, she glanced at Reiner. He seemed confused. “What? What do you mean ‘Warrior’?” She didn’t understand either. Their demeanor had suddenly shifted, and the tension in the air was indescribable. Before she could comment on it, Ymir stretched her arms and spoke.

“Anyway… Let’s gather up anything that seems usable. So we can die with no regrets. Of course, our lives mostly depend…” She leaned out the window to survey their surroundings. “On how skilled our officers are… Woah.” She paused in what seemed to be awe. “That’s the Survey Corps for you. Other soldiers don’t even compare to them.”

Then, what sounded like an explosion echoed from above. Everyone looked at each other in fear before scrambling up the stairs. 

“What was _that_?!”

When they arrived on the roof, the answer was obvious. A gaping hole met them, along with the bodies of Lynne and Henning being laid to rest on the cold stone. “It’s hopeless… They both died instantly…” A piece of (f/n)’s soul left at the sight. She hated dead bodies; she hated Death. “Be careful… A boulder came flying from over there, toward the Wall. That’s what got them…”

“What? But…”

“From the Wall…?”

A scream, from Connie. “Multiple Titans approaching! More than double the number we just dealt with…”

_Death was there…_

“What?!”

“This timing makes it feel like the Titans are conducting some sort of strategic operation. It almost feels as if,” Nanaba rose to her feet, “they’ve been toying with us from the start…” Her eyes were unreadable when they turned to the cadets. “Stay back!”

With that, Gelgar and Nanaba headed over the wall again. The rest were left to watch in absolute agony. To be trained and capable of fighting yet unequipped and unprepared was the ultimate pain. 

What made it worse was watching as Gelgar fell into the Titan’s waiting hands. Nanaba cut the wrists, and he fell into one of the holes in the tower, but that left the woman out in the open, and… She was out of gas. Gelgar came into view again, in the hands of a Titan. (f/n) had to look away as they met their fates, met Death. 

_The screams were inescapable._

“They sacrificed themselves for us… Nanaba… Gelgar…”

Connie fell to the ground, pounding the battlement with his fist. “Damnit! Do we just… sit here, wait for the tower to collapse and get eaten? Can’t we do something? Can’t we? Isn’t there anything we can do?! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit!” His head met his bent knees in utter helplessness. “I just wanted it… to have some _meaning,_ you know? Our mission’s half-finished… and now we’re gonna be wiped out?”

As his words met the air, it felt as if their fate was decided already. 

“I want to fight too. If only… I had a weapon.” Krista’s hands gripped the stone battlement as if she could break it. It didn’t budge. “Then, I could die fighting with them.”

“Krista… Are you still going on about that?”

“What?”

“Don’t _use_ their deaths. Those officers didn’t die so you’d have an excuse to commit suicide.”

“That… That’s not what—”

“You’re not like Connie or those officers! You don’t really think, ‘I don’t want to die.’ You’ve always tried to think of a way to martyr yourself so everyone can praise you! Right?”

“I… I don’t—”

Ymir placed her hands on the smaller girl’s shoulders. “Krista. Maybe you already forgot about this, but… This is probably the end. Try to remember the promise we made when we trained on those snowy mountains.” 

As Krista stared into Ymir’s eyes, (f/n) forced herself to look away. The sun was rising over the mountains in the distance. Any other day, she’d find the golden light beautiful. Any other day, the pink of the sky would encompass her mind. Any other day, she’d feel _alive._

“Never thought I’d be seeing my last sunrise.” Connie’s eyes betrayed his surrender.

“Connie, give me the knife.” 

“Oh, here.” The knife passed hands. (f/n) could still see her blood upon the blade. 

“Thanks,” Ymir patted his head. The gesture was friendly, odd.

“What do you need it for?”

“As a weapon. I’m going to fight.” She turned toward the sun.

“What?!”

“Ymir? What are you planning?”

“Who knows? I’m not even sure myself.” (f/n) was speechless as the girl checked the sharpness of the small weapon. What could she do with that? “Krista… I have no right to tell you how to live. So this is just… a wish of mine. Live your life with pride.”

“What?” Ymir didn’t answer. No, she dashed toward and past the girl. “Ymir?! Wait!” Nothing could stop her. She was falling, meters upon meters into the Titans’ hands. Even so, Krista reached for her. 

_Lightning._

(f/n), along with everyone else, ran to the wall. And, along with everyone else, she was amazed and shaken by what she saw. Ymir had transformed into a Titan of about five meters. It had long hair and long claws, and its proportions were top heavy. With a scream, she grabbed a taller Titan and bit out its nape. 

“No way… Ymir can turn into a Titan?” 

“Ymir…”

(f/n) felt so many emotions, but most of all, she felt fear. If Ymir, someone she’d trusted despite her demeanor, had been a Titan shifter, who was to say others in their ranks weren’t of the same kind? 

_Could they trust her?_

She shook her head. 

_Why would she doubt her now?_

She was sacrificing herself. She was outnumbered. She’d only transformed to save them. There was no reason to doubt.

“That’s the Titan… from that day…” She looked to Reiner and Bertholdt, and she found them frozen with terror and disbelief. She didn’t understand.

Another scream tore itself from Ymir’s Titan, and she killed another. She was speedy; she was strong. “Woah!” Krista, who’d been leaning over the edge, almost fell, but Reiner grabbed her ankle to hold her steady. “Thanks, Reiner.” (f/n) could see his grip tightening on the girl’s ankle, the leather of her boot rippling under the force, and she reached forward to pull his hand away. His eyes were unfocused; he was barely there. “Ow! Reiner, my leg!”

When (f/n)’s hand met his wrist, he gasped. “Sorry…” She met his eyes; he looked away.

Connie was helping Krista stand, and she shook her head. “It’s okay. You saved me.”

“Krista, did you know about Ymir… being a Titan?”

“I didn’t… We were always so close, but… For things to turn out like this… I can’t believe it. We were together for three years! I just don’t understand… _That’s_ Ymir? It can’t be true. I don’t want it to be.”

“So that means… She knew one of the greatest secrets in the world.” Reiner smiled, but (f/n) could see the tension in his brow. “Jeez, I never even suspected it.”

“She should have told us and contributed to the Corps…Like Eren.” Bertholdt shook his head. “But, maybe she didn’t because she couldn’t.”

“Wait!” Connie gazed over the edge. “Eren didn’t know that he could become a Titan, right? But, somehow, I think… Ymir knew about her powers. _Which…_ Is she…?”

“ _‘Which’_?” Krista turned to him. “Are you trying to say that Ymir might be an enemy of Humanity?”

“Yeah… Thinking back on it, she always seemed unfazed, no matter the situation. It’s gotta be because she was hiding this power.” He was right. She had always been levelheaded. “We never knew what she was really thinking…”

“What…” Bertholdt’s eyes were wide. “Could Ymir’s goal be?”

A Titan caught her arm, and she was pulled into the writhing bodies of the enemy. One latched onto her, and she screamed. 

“Ymir!” Krista screamed in response.

Ymir bit through the arm holding her and leapt to the questionable safety of the tower. Her claws dug into the stone bricks, and they started to crumble. 

She let go.

“What?! She just let go?!”

“Why?! Could she be worried about damaging the tower?!” 

“That’s it.” Krista’s eyes didn’t leave Ymir, fighting tooth and nail. “She should be able to use her Titan powers to escape this place by herself. There’s no way she could defeat all of the Titans here with a body that small… But she’s still fighting, which means… She’s risking her own life to protect us.”

They were surrounding her now, grabbing her limbs and preparing to devour her.

“Things don’t look good for her…”

“At this rate, Ymir…” Krista stepped onto the battlement, forgoing safety for power. “Ymir, don’t you die! Don’t die here! Why’re you trying to act like a saint?! You really want to look cool as you die that much?! You jerk!” Connie grabbed her to keep her from following Ymir. “We both know you’re rotten to the core! Are you such a moron that you think you could still get into Heaven?! Live for your own sake! If protecting this tower’s going to kill you, then just smash it to pieces!” Ymir appeared to heed her words, as she began ripping bricks from the foundation and lobbing them at her foes. (f/n) stumbled as the tower shook; it was going down, one way or another. “That’s it, Ymir!”

“Is she actually smashing it?!”

Suddenly, Ymir appeared over the edge. Her Titan was frightening up close. Her eyes were completely black, and her teeth were sharper than knives. “Grab on… To live…” Her voice was raspy. (f/n) felt a brief awe at the words. To think she’d hear a Titan speak before she died… Without hesitation, she climbed onto Ymir’s shoulders after Krista, and the rest followed. Her hair made for good handles as they rode the tower to the ground. The sound of stone upon stone upon flesh was overwhelming, and (f/n) closed her eyes as gravity took them. When she opened them, they were upon the ground again, and all the Titans were under the rubble.

“I can’t believe it…” Connie climbed down. “You wanted to pin those Titans under the tower? Talk about a crazy plan…” 

(f/n) followed behind him. She couldn’t believe it either. “Thanks, Ymir. Remind me to laugh at your next joke, okay?” She chuckled, incredulity giving way to life again. 

But, as they began to navigate their way through the piles of stone, the ground began to rumble. Then, a hand reached out of the rubble, and after it a head. “The Titans… They’re getting back up! Hey, ugly! Hurry and finish them off!”

At Connie’s words, Ymir sprinted in the direction of the rising foes. She managed to bite the nape of one, but another grabbed her by the hair and slammed her to the ground. Her skull connected with a sickening crack. The rest of the Titans started to tear her apart in her stupor. Flesh ripped flesh; bones broke bone. Steam filled the air. 

“No it can’t…” Krista ran toward the terrible scene, tripping over debris. 

“Krista!” Everyone followed behind. (f/n) stumbled, her adrenaline giving way to exhaustion. But, she pushed on, and they arrived nearer to see Ymir’s Titan’s limbs between teeth.

“Wait! There’s still something I need to tell you! I still haven’t told you my real name!” As Krista ran, a Titan peered around the corner of one of the larger bricks, and (f/n) gasped. There was no getting to her in time; there was no killing the Titan. Yet again, she would have to watch a friend die. The Titan’s hand began to close, and, before (f/n) could look away…

The nape was slashed. 

“Mikasa!”

Relief flooded (f/n)’s veins as she saw her comrade. She didn’t understand why she was there, but she thanked the stars that she’d shown up when she did. 

“Get back, Krista. Everyone else, too.” She brandished her swords. “Leave this to us.” It was then that (f/n) noticed the whirring of the 3dmg, and the Survey Corpsmen flying to finish off the Titans. To their left, she saw Eren, slicing the nape of a smaller Titan. It was an impressive kill, but his wires tangled and he fell to the ground. 

“Eren!” Connie ran to him, and their group followed him once again.

“Guys! I’m glad you’re alright!”

Before they could catch up, a senior officer pointed them away from the rubble. “Get to the perimeter until the area is cleared!”

“Yes, sir!”

The clearing didn’t take long for a legion of the Survey Corps. The tides had turned so fast, too fast for her to comprehend it all. If only they’d gotten there sooner, though. If only Gelgar, Nanaba, Henning, and Lynne had held out… Despite the sad tone, the steam filling the air brought relief, and everyone surrounded a certain Titan’s corpse. Krista and Hange pulled Ymir from the flesh, and her eyes and neck were rippled, just as Eren’s were after a transformation. It was odd seeing Ymir like that.

“Ymir…” Krista cradled the girl within her arms. “My name is Historia.”

At that, Ymir smiled and closed her eyes. It seemed she was exhausted. (f/n) could only imagine, but she wasn’t far off. When she turned, she met eyes with Reiner, and everything came crashing over her. 

_She’d almost lost him._

“Reiner…” She approached him, and Bertholdt left his side, presumably to follow the rest of the soldiers toward the Wall. “I… I thought I lost you.” The dams behind her eyes broke, and she stared at the ground for some semblance of control. She hadn’t been able to process it all in the moment, and she didn’t want to process it now. 

“I thought I lost you, too.” He reached for her, his left hand hesitant upon her shoulder. Then, with some sort of urgency, he reeled her into him. She unraveled herself in his hold. Everything had come apart; everything had come together. Making sure to be wary of his injured arm, she wrapped her arms around him. 

“Don’t do that again.”

“You know I can’t promise anything.”

“I know.” She sighed, and she felt him rest his chin on her head. He was so warm. She felt so safe. “But, please, try to think of another option next time.”

“I will.” 

As she stood in his embrace, she knew security. She knew sanctuary. She knew.

_Should I…?_

He pushed her away enough to meet her gaze. Her mouth fell agape at oh so beautiful hazel. There were no words. Her lungs fell empty; her heart beat double time.

“You need to get your hand stitched up. Let’s go.” 

Tenacious grip held her hand in his, and he guided her toward the Wall. As they walked, she wondered what came next. Was the Wall breached? Was safety in peril? She couldn’t help but think her hand was small in the grand scheme of things. There were more pertinent issues at hand.

_She knew he’d disagree._

“Medic?” As they approached a cart, he called out to a woman who looked to be organizing stock. She turned with a nod. “She needs stitches, if that’s possible.”

“Of course.” 

“I’m gonna head on up the Wall, if that’s alright with you.” He placed his hand on her shoulder and squeezed it. She lowered her head with a nod.

“Yeah, that’s fine.” In actuality, she wished he would stay. She knew it was childish to want him to hold her hand, but she couldn’t help it. She hated the thought of being away from him, especially now that she’d almost lost him. It was almost unbearable.

_Almost._

But, she was a soldier, and she’d signed up for this life. If she couldn’t get stitches on her own, there was no place for her on the front lines. Needles were little in the face of Death.

“Alright, catch up with me.” His hand left her, and the chill of rain replaced it. 

“Let’s see how deep it is,” spoke the woman as she removed Bertholdt’s bandage. As soon as her skin met the air, she had to look away. “Well, that’s good. It wasn’t deep enough to damage any tendons. You’ll just need a few stitches.” She opened a bottle of disinfectant, and the pain was the same as before, washing over the wound as fire over wood. Then came the needle, and it pulled her skin in all the wrong ways. Once the final knot was tied, she sighed. A new bandage replaced the old, and her arm was placed in a sling. “Keeping it elevated reduces swelling. Try to keep from moving it too much, and don’t let the stitches get wet for about a day. We don’t want them opening back up.” The woman rubbed her shoulder. “They should be able to be removed in about a week.”

“Thank you.”

At the woman’s nod, (f/n) stood and made her way to the Wall. A few hastily made “elevators” were hanging at the base. In actuality, they were boards attached to the wires of the 3dmg, but she wouldn’t complain. With a nod to one of the soldiers, she sat upon one of the boards, and the soldier yanked at one of the wires to alert the others to start pulling her up. 

The ride was agonizingly slow. It was one thing to be in control while scaling the Walls, but, with no gear hanging at her hips, she felt completely out of her element; she hated being out of control. The higher she rose, the more she felt the wind. A storm was brewing somewhere. Not even the birds were chirping. She found it odd.

“Here,” a hand reached for her once she reached the precipice of the Wall. 

“Thanks, Armin.” She smiled as she found her footing again. 

“Is your arm alright?”

“Oh, it’s nothing. Just a small cut. Don’t worry about it.” Looking past him to the right, she found Mikasa, and further she saw Reiner and Bertholdt conversing with Eren. She thought nothing of it at first, but then she saw the fear in Bertholdt’s eyes. In all her time knowing him, she’d never seen such an emotion displayed on his face. So, she turned her feet in their direction.

But Armin held her back.

“Armin?”

That’s when she saw the look on Mikasa’s face, and her hold on the hilt of her sword. 

_Why were they on edge?_

That’s when she saw Reiner pull his sling over his head. Something was wrong. She pushed to get by Armin, but his hold on her didn’t budge. 

_Why?_

“Damned if I know what’s right anymore,” Reiner’s voice carried through the breeze. It sounded so… dead. The rain had stopped; the sun had appeared. It didn’t feel warm, didn’t feel right. “Who cares? It is what it is.” He unraveled the bandages around his arm, and _steam_ billowed from the wound. “No choice but to face what I’ve done. As a Warrior, no road left but the one that leads to the end!” Arm held aloft, he glared at Eren. 

_The wound was disappearing._

Absolute disbelief coursed through (f/n)’s veins as she watched his skin renew. She knew what that meant; she refused. Yet, even as she willed her legs to move, she was rooted to her spot. 

_Nothing was pushing her forward._

“Reiner? Right now? Here?!” 

_No!_

“Yes!” He marched toward Eren. Fury and determination furrowed his brow. _All wrong._ “Right here, right now! We settle this once and for all!”

In an instant, Mikasa closed in. In an instant, she brandished her blade. 

_In an instant, she sliced through Reiner’s forearm._

He reached up to stop the blade from severing his head as well. She let it stay in his hand as she spun toward Bertholdt, her other blade slashing into his wrist and neck. 

_Blood, everywhere. Bertholdt, screaming._

“Mikasa! Why?!” (f/n) cried as she watched her friends bleed. She wrenched herself out of Armin’s hold and stumbled toward them. “Reiner!” Desperation and fear seeped into her lungs. “Bertholdt!” Her voice shattered upon her tongue. 

Mikasa was standing over Bertholdt, her sword reared back to finish him. “Eren, run!” But, before she could bring down her blade, Reiner shoved her over the edge of the Wall. Then, he stood before Bertholdt, and (f/n) fell to her knees in horror because…

_Lightning…_

Inescapable heat encompassed her as she flew back, debris and steam dancing upon her skin. This absolute heat was unfamiliar; it wasn’t Reiner’s. It couldn’t be. But, all she could see were Reiner’s eyes, hard, unyielding, absolutely emotionless as he looked away from her. She didn’t know those eyes. She didn’t know. Everything had come apart. And, as she clung at the stone of the Wall for some semblance of control, she was overcome with an emotion she’d never known and never wished to know. 

_Absolute betrayal._


	32. M19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone please save Reiner's bacon.... I'm begging....

Sunlight was filtering through the leaves, and he knew. He knew (f/n) would love these trees. She’d scale them up and down and wonder what their story was. She’d write that story; she’d tell it to him. She’d always been curious like that. He could just imagine her smiling at the adventure ahead of them; he could just see the golden sun in her hair, the life in her eyes.

“Hey, Reiner, got any water?”

His imagination halted at Ymir’s question. “Sorry, there’s not a hell of a lot I can do, even if it is a matter of life and death.” Now that she mentioned it, he was parched. He wondered when they’d get back to the Walls for some much needed rest.

“You’re right about that. This whole thing is bullshit.”

“Speaking of which, we’ve been working our asses off. No food, no sleep, no nothing. Ever since those Titans showed up. That was yesterday, right?” He sighed. “Man, we’re lucky the Wall hasn’t been destroyed. Still,” he held his hand to his head, “you’d think that meant they’d give us a break. And don’t even get me started on promotion…”

“Reiner.” He looked to Bertholdt; his eyes were wide. 

“What? Aw, come on, I don’t think that’s too much to ask. Do you?” He chuckled. “No, I think we’ve done enough work to deserve consideration. It’s not easy to act in a situation as messed up as this one. As a soldier, I don’t see what’s wrong with being commended and rewarded for that… It’s just nice to be acknowledged.”

“Mister Reiner, what in the hell are you going on about?” Ymir had an incredulous smile on her face.  _ What was that for? _

“What do you mean? I’m not saying that I should be immediately promoted to Captain, you know.”

“Uh… That’s not what I mean.”

“Oh, by the way, where did you guys get that cannon from? I owe you one for saving my bacon.” He sighed. “And (f/n) injured her hand saving me too. Needed stitches. I hope she’s alright. She—”

“Hey!” He jumped as Eren stood with a shout, and that’s when he noticed the steam billowing from Eren’s arms. “You’ve got to be kidding me. Is this some kind of joke?”

“What are you mad about, Eren? Was it something I said?” He held up his hands in surrender. He didn’t understand.

“If you want me to kill you, just keep talking!” 

“Wait, Eren,” Ymir held out her arm.  _ Why was she missing limbs?  _ “Whatever he’s saying, it’s not normal. Isn’t that right, Bertholdt? If there’s something you know, then quit being quiet and do something about it.” Reiner didn’t understand what she could be implying. He looked to his friend for some sort of answer.

“Reiner…” Bertholdt couldn’t meet his eyes. “Snap out of it. You’re not a soldier. We’re  _ Warriors _ .”

_ Warriors.  _

_ 1,820 years ago, our ancestor Ymir Fritz made a deal with the Devil. _

_ She gained power. _

_ The power of the Titans. _

_ Eldia’s ethnic cleansing lasted for about 1,700 years. _

_ The Great Nation of Marley incited a civil war and brought seven of the nine Titans to its side. _

_ The Great Nation of Marley won. _

_ The Great Nation of Marley is merciful to the Eldians. _

_ I will become a Warrior and live with my mother and father as an Honorary Marleyan. _

_ I will become a Warrior and eradicate the Devils within the Walls. _

_ I will become a Warrior. _

_ I will become a Hero. _

Eyes shut, he realized. Everything had come together. When had it come apart?

_ “Marcel! No!” _

_ “Take the blame and die!” _

_ “Reiner’s dead. If you need Marcel, I’ll be Marcel.” _

_ “This is the only way we can go home.” _

_ His mother was waiting; he wouldn’t let her wait long. _

_ Complications like  _ her _ ruined everything. _

_ He’d take her down and show her how cruel the world really was to devils like her. _

_ He couldn’t trample a smile like that, even on a devil’s face.  _

_ No one would question the aim of a person who selflessly helped others. _

_ Keep telling yourself that. _

_ She was a good person. _

_ Person? _

_ “You deserve it, Reiner.” _

_ Friend? _

_ He’d become a good liar. _

_ “Well, we’ll go see it then.” _

_ Another lie. _

_ “All thanks to you.” _

_ “Who am I really?” _

_ All you cause is pain.  _

_He couldn’t change her_ _future, as much as he wanted to._

_ “It’s your choice, Rein’.” _

_ “I just want you to be happy.” _

_ Just do what needs to be done, and keep moving forward. _

_ “Wait, why are you in such a rush?! We haven’t even talked this over!” _

_ “Hey, why is Marco being eaten?” _

_ “It’s not your fault, Reiner. Please, please, don’t blame yourself for things out of your control.” _

_ “Please, Reiner.”  _

_ He wanted to forget. _

_ He wanted more. _

_ He understood.  _

_ “Look at how beautiful it is, Rein’.” _

_ “They remind me of you… respect, chivalry, clarity of thought…” _

_ He couldn’t afford her.  _

_ If only he had the power to douse the flames.  _

_ If only… _

_ “I fight for you.” _

_ “I fight for you too.” _

_ “Reiner… I thought I lost you.” _

_ “I thought I lost you, too.” _

_ “Reiner!” _

_ “No!” _

_ No!  _

_ No! _

_ Warriors. _

_ We’re Warriors. _

“Right… I see…That’s how things are…” He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t think. All he could do was hold his head in his hands and cry. 

It felt as if he’d seen someone else’s memories. He’d always expected to be in this position, but not then, not his  _ own _ memories. How had he forgotten? Why did he feel so out of control? Had he ever been in control?

“I think I’m starting to see what’s going on here. I thought something was strange. I mean, why would the man who destroyed the Wall risk his life to save Connie? You were taking contradictory actions, but without being aware of it. I don’t know why that happened, but… You were originally a Warrior whose goal was to destroy the Wall, but you pretended to be a soldier for so long, you could no longer tell which was the real  _ you _ …” Ymir’s words vexed him, or did they pin him? “No, maybe you couldn’t bear the weight of your sins, so, in order to keep your mind in balance, you unconsciously escaped into a fantasy, convincing yourself you were just a soldier who protected the Wall… That caused your mind to split and altered your memories. Judging by Bertholdt’s dumbfounded expression, this isn’t the first time your stories stopped fitting together…” She laughed in the face of his plight. “And not to mention the ultimate irony, you convinced yourself you were worthy of love. Ha! I wonder what (f/n) is thinking right now. She must be—”

“Shut up!” He couldn’t take it, couldn’t face it. “Don’t say her name.” His blood was boiling with regret and determination, duty and the woes of his life. 

“My bad, but isn’t it you who shouldn’t be allowed to say her name? Think about it.” She was right, absolutely right. At the thought, he buried his face further into his cold hands. He didn’t want to be seen. 

_ He didn’t want to be there. _

“You have to be kidding me. How can you act like a victim?”  _ I don’t know.  _ “What are you even thinking?”  _ I don’t know, Eren.  _ “Why did you even listen to what we had to say that day? Tell me, Bertholdt. Don’t you remember what I said? I was right in front of you two. I told you about the time my mother was eaten by a Titan, didn’t I? About how she couldn’t escape because a piece of the gate  _ you  _ kicked down landed  _ right on my house. _ You know about that, right?”  _ Yes.  _ “I told you, didn’t I?”  _ Yes.  _ “What did you think? What… were you thinking that day?”

“Back then… I felt sorry for you.” How could Bertholdt answer? Reiner’s entire being was withering away.

“Oh… I see… You two… You’re not  _ soldiers _ … You’re not  _ Warriors _ … You’re just  _ murderers _ . You massacred people who’d done nothing wrong! You’re mass murderers!”

“I know that!” Reiner couldn’t take it. His sins were agonizing upon his back, in his chest, around his neck. “I don’t need  _ you  _ to tell me!”

“Then stop acting like responsible citizens worried about the state of the world! You two aren’t even human anymore! You’re the ones who turned this world into a living hell! Don’t you see that, you murderers?!”

_ Yes, he could see. He could see very clearly now. _

_ A l l y o u c a u s e i s p a i n. _

“So what do you want these murderers to do?! Do you want us to repent?! Do you want us to apologize?! Are you really going to preach to a couple of cold blooded murderers about how killing is wrong?! Will that satisfy you?! The Reiner and Bertholdt you know are gone! And if all you want to do is cry about it, then go ahead! Keep crying!”

_ He wanted to cry. He wanted to go home. _

“You’re right.” Eren’s voice was cold. “Who am I? What do I know? Still, all I can do now… is work. Work hard… to make sure that you two die the most excruciating death possible.”

How could Reiner feel fear when he felt so numb?

“You can’t be for real. Eren, I’m begging you, I can’t put my faith in you if you keep talking like some stupid kid.”

“Like what…?”

“I’m saying there’s no way I’m going along with someone worried about petty little things like that.” She paused. “Hey, Reiner. What was that beast?”

His eyes widened. He didn’t want to talk about that.

_ He didn’t want to talk about anything.  _

“Beast? What’re you talking about?”

“Huh, you don’t know? Funny, considering that your eyes were beaming like you were kids when you saw it earlier.”

Eren was confused. “What ‘beast’?”

Ymir shook her head. “Just listen. That Beast Titan is the cause of this recent mess. It was what made Titans appear inside the Walls. Maybe it was testing our strength?”  _ How did she know?  _ “You two are trying to get to it, because, if you do, you’ll be able to go back to your home town, right?” 

Before he could even piece together a response, Eren shouted again. “Tell me everything you know!”

“Be patient. I’m caught up in circumstances of my own. But listen, Eren. If you think that everything will be settled if you take care of these two… Then, you’re dead wrong.”

“Then who’s our enemy?!”

_ If only he knew. _

“Our enemy? Well, if I had to say, then it’d be—”

“Ymir!” He couldn’t let her tell Eren. He couldn’t let her go. She was the one who’d ruined their mission to begin with. She had to return home with them. If not... “Do you think this world has a future?” He paused, piecing his argument together. “If you know that much about what’s going on, then think about your plans. Surely you can consider coming over to our side.”

“And trust you? Fat chance! You can’t trust me.”

“No, I can trust you. Your goal is to protect Krista, isn’t it?” Even in his fractured state of mind, he knew how to get to her. That much was obvious, especially with the look in her eyes. “Based on our situation, can you not imagine we can help her in some way? Or… Do you think Eren’s strength is more reliable than ours?”

“What?!”

Despite Eren’s shout, he knew he’d convinced at least some part of Ymir. She was glaring at Eren, presumably sizing him up. “You were thinking of using Eren to escape from here, probably because you thought you had no chance if you let us take you.” She didn’t, but truth was strong in times of negotiation. “To be honest with you, that’s exactly right. And even if you did join us, we wouldn’t be able to guarantee your safety. But, if we’re just talking about Krista… Together, we might be able to make something work. Your tiny little life… or Krista’s future: it’s your choice.”

He was basing this off of his own deduction. Annie had learned much about the aristocratic families, enough to know there was an illegitimate child out in the world. Ymir had told Krista to live for herself, suggesting she had never done so before. And, to top off the theory, Krista had revealed her true name was Historia. That was a noble name if he’d ever heard one. 

“Hey, so who’s our real enemy?!”

“Who knows…?” With those words, he knew he’d bought her silence and support. 

_ If only he could buy (f/n)’s safety… _

“Reiner,” Bertholdt met him upon his branch, “are we really going to trust Ymir? Her Titan is small, but it was fast. If we don’t restrain her, she could take us out in moments… She… really is the one who ate Marcel, remember?”

How could he forget? That moment was cemented in his mind, his first monumental mistake. He’d let his focus drop for but a moment, and Marcel had saved him. Marcel was devoured by a Titan with long hair and black eyes. There was no second guessing the facts, at least for this memory. There was no disputing the identity of Ymir’s Titan. Her claws and sharp fangs couldn’t belong to any other than the Jaws. 

_ What if… he’d have been the one devoured that day? _

“That’s right. But that’s exactly why her position is clear. She finally became human again. She probably wanted to wander, thinking of only her own survival… That is, until she met Krista. She found someone she valued more than herself, someone so dear that she’d jump into a swarm of Titans for her.” 

_ He’d found that someone too… _

“Reiner.” Bertholdt grabbed his shoulder; it brought him back to the moment, but he wouldn’t let it show. “What are you right now?”

_ No one. _

“I’m a Warrior. Don’t worry. I have more reasons for bringing Krista with us than her just being cute. Did you forget? Annie tailed those guys who were loitering around the Training Grounds to see what they were up to. They came to observe Krista from the Church of the Wall, that group that knows what’s inside the Walls. Krista’s an important figure in a Wallist family. In other words, if the Coordinate we’re looking for isn’t Eren, then our mission won’t be over yet. If that happens and we have Krista, it should make the search much easier than it is now.”

“Yeah, let’s put an end to this. Next time we come here, we’ll be able to bring Annie, Krista, and  _ that  _ back to our hometown. And… that will be the last time we ever come here.”

_ Why did those words hurt so much? _

_ Why couldn’t he use rationale to bring her home? _

_ Why had this happened? _

“Yeah, all our duties will be complete.”

_ His heart wouldn’t be. _

_ But, Bertholdt’s… _

He stopped him. “But, Bertholdt, tell Annie how you feel once we get to our hometown.”

_ If only… _

“What?!”

“You stare at her too much! Enough that anyone paying attention would notice.”

“No, I—”

_...he could do the same… _

“Aw, who cares?” He crossed his arms. “You’re both murderers with little time left, right? Who else but one of us could understand the situation we’re in?”

_ Could she…? _

Then, a sound met his ears. It was so familiar…

He glanced behind him, and there he found something he hadn’t quite factored into their equation. 

_ Green smoke signals… _

“Bertholdt.”

“The Survey Corps? Already?”

He readied his triggers. They had to move. “They shouldn’t be able to put together a scouting formation without moving a lot of horses over the Wall. I didn’t think they’d be able to act this quickly… Damn it. Commander Erwin might be with them.” Without a second thought, he shot an anchor above Eren. “We’re up against a tough bunch.”

_ He should know. _

“Huh? What is it, Reiner?! It’s not night yet!”

“Doesn’t matter. We’re heading out now.” 

He had to be level-headed. Bertholdt was counting on him. Annie was counting on him. Zeke was counting on him.  _ His mother  _ was counting on him. The entire Nation of Marley was counting on him. What were his emotions in the grand scheme of things? What was  _ he  _ in the grand scheme of things?

_ A Warrior. _

There was a world waiting for his next move. The weight was on his shoulders; he could feel it. And, as he stepped toward Eren, he met his rival head on. “Eren, don’t be stupid and put up a fight.”

Eren laughed; it was forced. “Hey, you don’t need to act so tough. Look at me!” His arms were still healing from being severed, but Reiner knew better than to trust that. “There’s no way I could possibly fight back. Come on...” Reiner knew better.

So why did he let Eren attack him like that?

He was thrown on his back from the force, and Eren was above him, smashing his unformed arms relentlessly into Reiner’s head. He took it for a bit, allowed Eren to tell him to die, even considered it. But then, he found his resolve again. He kicked his former friend to the side, and, when he tried to get back up, he wrapped his forearm around Eren’s throat. 

“I’ll kill you! I’ll fucking kill you! I’ll rip you apart!”

_ Just one squeeze, and he could kill him. _

_ No, he needed him alive. _

As he added pressure to Eren’s throat, he wondered just how it’d come to this. Why did the world have to be so cruel? Why had he been born in this position? Why were the Walls filled with  _ people _ ? Why had  _ she  _ been born inside the Walls? 

At this point, he just had to accept it. 

So, as Eren’s consciousness faded into nothing, he finally allowed his mind to settle on one thing: getting back home. That’d been his mission all along. That was all he’d ever wanted. Why had he forgotten that? Why hadn’t he stayed the course?

This was all his doing. He had to be the one to fix his mistakes.

As Bertholdt tied Eren to his back, Reiner planned his next course of action. The Survey Corps was too close for comfort, as were the Titans. Bertholdt had to carry Ymir on his back as well, so their mobility was limited. The situation just wasn’t in their favor.

Once Ymir was situated, Reiner and Bertholdt shot into the trees, and the Titans below followed. He gritted his teeth. “For now, we need to head somewhere with no Titans. Stay as far away from them as possible. I still haven’t recovered, and my Titan moves slow, so if we get surrounded, I won’t be able to protect both of us.”

“Then why the hell didn’t we wait ‘til night?!” Ymir shouted over the passing wind. “Oh… Signal flares?! So the Survey Corps came to save us?!”

Looking over his shoulder, he groaned. “Damn it, they’re already close. This is all because Eren got violent.” They had to get to the other side of the Titan Forest, and quickly. They were low on gas as it was, but, if they could just outrun the Titans, he could transform. It was open ground from there. They’d have the advantage.

“Reiner! It’s Krista!” 

“What?”

“Krista’s with them! Now’s our chance to grab her!”

That wasn’t part of the plan. “You’re full of it! No way you can see that far!”

“I know she’s with them!” Ymir’s voice was desperate, demanding. “That idiot is too kind-hearted for her own good! She came to rescue me!” 

_ That wasn’t part of the plan. _

“Even if that’s true, we can’t go now!” He turned forward again, toward the mission. “We’ll get another chance!”

“What?!”

“We can’t grab her the way things are now! There’s no way to bust up that formation! Wait for our chance!”

“‘Wait for our chance’?! When’s that going to be?! After one of your Warrior pals eats me?! No! I can’t trust you!”

“Trust me! I’m not lying when I say we need Krista too!” 

_ Just trust me! _

“Prove it then! Prove it to me, right now! I need it to be  _ now _ ! I want it to be now… At this rate, I’ll never see her again!”

At that, Reiner fell silent. His mission was in his eyes, but his heart… 

_ I’ll never see her again… _

“We can’t.” It was Bertholdt who answered, calm and collected. “Right now, we don’t even know if we can escape safely ourselves.”

He had to assure someone that a life would be saved, even if it wasn’t the one he truly wanted.

“I promise you! We’ll save her, I swear it!”

She was silent for a time. Then, as they continued their flight, she shouted, “I’m the strongest one here in this terrain.”

Reiner turned to find her grabbing at Bertholdt’s face, covering his eyes. “Ymir!”

“Ymir, stop!”

“Shut the hell up and think for a second! I’d be able to dominate this terrain, don’t you think?”

Bertholdt’s next anchor barely hit its mark. “Ymir, stop, we’ll fall!”

“That’s fine with me. My Titan might not be as strong as yours, but I can move quickly through the trees. I could grab Eren and rendezvous with the Scouts before you even knew what hit you. Wouldn’t be that hard.” At her threat, Reiner found his footing on the next tree he anchored to and stopped. They couldn’t risk it. “If you don’t take Krista right now, I’ll make a nuisance of myself here.”

_ Why couldn’t she just go along with the plan? _

“Are you completely insane?! We won’t be able to save her that way! All because of your selfishness! I thought that you genuinely cared!”

“I do, in my way. Even if it means robbing her of her future, I want to survive and see her again. As a person, I’m really lower than shit… But she knows that, and she smiles at me anyway. You two don’t know what that’s like, do you?”

_ He did… _

“Damnit!”

“Don’t be mad. I’ve thought this through. If I fight here, it’ll make it easier for you to escape! Or,” she glared at Bertholdt, fire in her eyes, “we could always tear each other apart instead! You think I’m nuts?! Then try me and find out!”

They couldn’t risk fighting here and now. If they did, the Corps would catch up, and they’d be too exhausted to fight them or even run away at that point. Ymir was right; she had the upper hand in this situation. 

_ Damnit… _

“Fine! We’ll keep heading to the edge of the forest! You better follow through, Ymir!” 

“I will!” 

With that, she let go of Bertholdt, falling behind them into a burst of lightning. The plan seemed to fall with her.

Even so, Reiner had to push forward. They still had Eren. He was more than enough, but the Jaw Titan was a priority too. He had to retrieve it. It was his own idiocy that caused them to lose it. It was all him. If he couldn’t bring it back to Marley, he was an absolute failure. 

_ He already felt like one. _

The edge of the forest was soaring into view. Their future was somewhere on the other side. As they switched positions in holding Eren, he all but held his breath. If Ymir didn’t come, what was the course of action? If—

“She’s here, Reiner!”

There she was. If she’d returned to them, that meant she’d succeeded in nabbing Krista. Somehow, the plan was working. Somehow, it didn’t seem all for naught. 

“Good.”

So, just as he had so many times before, he held a knife in hand, and he jumped from the trees. It was all muscle memory from there. He eyed his hand as the blood trailed into light, and he wondered what the pain really felt like. He’d never felt it. The wound always closed as soon as he transformed.

_ (f/n) had felt it... _

_ Lightning.  _

Ymir and Bertholdt latched onto his shoulders, and he ran. He ran, like he had the day they’d come there. He ran like he had, with Bertholdt and Annie on his shoulders. He ran, with the weight of the world on his shoulders. Open sky, open land awaited his feet. He was finally free.

_ Why did it feel as if that wasn’t the case? _

Upon his shoulder, he heard a cough. Krista must have woken up. 

“Ymir!”

“Krista… No, Historia.” Ymir must have exited her Titan. “I’m sorry I ate you out of nowhere. You must be mad, right?”

_ Left, right, left, right… _

“What is this? What’s going on? We came to rescue you and Ere—”

“You don’t need to rescue me! Things have changed! I’m with Reiner and Bertholdt now. Like it or not, you’re coming with us! There’s no future inside the Walls! Hear me out for a second, okay? Life outside isn’t as bad as you think. Believe me. There’s no one out here saying the world would be a better place if you’d never been born.”

_ Think again. _

“Yeah?! I don’t think Titans would say much either way! They’d be too busy trying to eat me!”

“We all have our shortcomings, right?! They’re not so bad if you look past that! It’s complicated, alright?!”

“Ymir, I don’t know what’s going on in your mind, but you’re not making any sense! It must be… that Reiner and Bertholdt forced you to do this, right? They threatened you!”

From his other shoulder, he heard Bertholdt voice his own thoughts. “It’s the opposite, actually…”

“I’m right, aren’t I?! Let go! Whatever they’ve got on you, I don’t care! We can fight them! Put the past behind you! What matters is right now! I’m here! I will always be your ally!”

_ If only… _

“Ymir!”  _ Bertholdt.  _ “In case you haven’t noticed, the Scouts are closing in. If we’d left earlier, there might’ve been a decent chance of outrunning them. Going back for Krista was your idea. You forced us. Remember that? Ymir, why? What did we do this for?! Have you changed your mind again? Have you decided to stay inside the Walls with Krista? Don’t be a fool! Think!”

_ A fool… _

“Let go! Don’t listen to him!”

_ Don’t listen… _

“I can’t!” Ymir’s voice was shattering upon the wind. “I wish I could. Historia, I know you think I did this for you. But, at the end of the day, I did it for  _ me _ . A long time ago, I stole the power of the Titans from one of their comrades. Their power is absolute. Inside or outside the Walls, there’s nowhere for me to run. At this rate, I’m going to be killed… But, they said if I cooperate, hand you over, they’ll speak on my behalf to get my crimes pardoned. It’s because you’re so important to the Wallists, who know the secrets of the Walls… When this world started going to hell… I thought that being with you… would be insurance for the near future… I almost died fighting at the tower… And I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was scared of dying. I wanted someone to save me somehow… I lied, and told you I was doing it all for you, but, really… It was all for my own sake. I’m begging you, Historia! Please, please save me!”

_ Please… _

_ Please, save me… _

“Didn’t I just tell you, Ymir? No matter what happens, I’m on your side!”

He was running toward the sun, running toward the blaze, but it didn’t emanate the brilliance he’d always revered. No, that was behind him.  _ She  _ was behind him. He knew. It was inevitable.

_ Shadows always sail away from the sun, after all. _

Then, another familiar sound…

Was that an anchor in his shoulder?

Was that the whir of the 3dmg?

_ Were they that close already? _

Ymir’s scream told him they were. 

“Reiner! Protect us!” Bertholdt jumped under his chin, and to shield him, Reiner brought both his hands up to form a cage against his neck. Just in time, for Mikasa slashed at his hardened knuckles only a second too late.

“Mikasa, no! You’re not going to kill Ymir!”

Mikasa was on his head now. “That all depends on her! What’ll it be?! She can step aside or she can die! Her choice!”

“Reiner.”

_ That voice… _

On his right shoulder, next to his ear...

_ She shouldn’t be here. She’s injured. She shouldn’t be here.  _

“Reiner, I know you can hear me.” 

_ I can, (f/n). _

“Please, tell me this is some sort of misunderstanding. There’s no way…”

_ It isn’t. _

“Tell me, was any of it real? Did you ever truly care about me? Or was it all part of this lie?”

_ It was real. I care about you. I care about you. _

“How many lies did you tell me?”

_ Too many to count. _

“Why…?”

She was crying. Her fists met his cheek; he barely felt them. He barely felt.

If he had it his way, he’d tell her how real it all was. If he had it his way, he’d take her with him. If he had it his way, he’d stay with her until the end of time, until he’d heard everything she knew and everything she didn’t and every wish and every cry a thousand times over. But, it was never fated to go his way. Fate didn’t favor bloodstained hands. He had to accept that. He had to.

_ He was up to his shoulders in red.  _

“Why would you do this to me, Reiner?!”

_ To save the world. _

“Why would you hurt so many people?!”

_ To save the world. _

“You’re terrible!”

_ I am. _

“You’re terrible…”

Her voice fell to a whisper. He couldn’t hear anything else. It was only her.

_ It was always her. _

“I guess it’s always been like this. I’ve never gotten any answers from you. You’ve never listened to me. I should’ve known.”

_ I’ve always listened. I hear you. _

“You’re a monster. I cared about you, and you’re a monster.”

_ You’re right. You’ve always been right.  _

“None of that matters. Just focus on taking their heads off,” Mikasa’s words reached him. “If you even hesitate for a moment, we’ll never get Eren back. They’re a threat to Humanity. That’s all.”

_ Thump, thump, thump. _

“Do you think that anyone wants to kill people?!” Bertholdt voiced his own thoughts, broken and all alone. “What kind of person would do this for fun?! Who would want to do this?! With what we did, of course you despise us and want to kill us! We can never take any of it back! But, we couldn’t come to terms with our sins… When we were pretending to be soldiers, it was a little bit easier. It’s not a lie, (f/n)! Connie! Jean! It’s true that we deceived you, but it wasn’t all lies! We really did think of you as friends! We really did care! I know… we don’t have the right to apologize. But, someone… Please, someone… I’m begging you, someone find us…”

“Bertholdt… Give Eren back.”

“I can’t do that. Someone has to do this. Someone…has to get blood on their hands.”

_ Someone... _

“Everyone, jump off right now!” 

_ She left a void on his shoulder. She left a void.  _

And Death was coming. Titans, a horde of Titans, were approaching them from ahead. The Commander was leading them straight toward Reiner. There was nowhere to go. The weight of the World was on his shoulders; the weight of his friends’ pain was there too. There was no escaping his sins. There was no escaping the path he’d set out on. All he could do was run, run and hope they’d make it out on the other side.

_ Just do what needs to be done, and keep moving forward. _

With hands latched firmly to his neck, Reiner dipped his shoulder and ran. Just as he’d destroyed the gate those many years before, he rammed through the horde in his path. They kept coming. He kept charging. Ymir was screaming. They were around his neck, biting his head, holding him down. He had to move. Quickly, quickly, he had to move. 

_ He had to get home. _

Where could he go? He was surrounded. There was no way to fight with his hands around Bertholdt. There was no way to protect Bertholdt as he fought. What could he do? How many were there? Ten? Twenty?

_ It wouldn’t matter if they died. _

_ Hold on, Bertholdt.  _

_ Just a little longer. _

_ We’re almost there. _

He let Bertholdt go, and he swung at the Titans closest to him. He swung, and he swung, and he prayed for safety. He prayed for home.

_ The Scouts… _

They were upon him now. They were after Bertholdt. He had to choose the greatest enemy. He had to choose. He brought his hand up and around his friend. 

“We’ve made it this far! We’re taking Eren with us and going back home!”

“Bertholdt!” Armin, upon his neck. “Are you two sure about this? You’re going to go home and leave your friend behind?”

_ Annie… _

“You’re leaving Annie behind? Right now… Annie’s deep underground in Utopia District, to the far north… where they’re _ torturing  _ her…” 

_ No, no that couldn’t be true. _

“As soon as they heard her screams, they realized… The wounds on her body might heal, but she can’t make the pain go away. They’re being careful not to kill her, of course, but they won’t let her rest. At this very moment, they’re inflicting pain on her in every way they know how—”

_ No, Annie… _

“Children of the Devil!”  _ Bertholdt…  _ “I’ll kill every last one of you!” 

At Bertholdt’s scream, Reiner looked down. At the sight of the Commander, he knew it was all over. Eren was falling; Eren was in Mikasa’s arms. They’d lost. He reached out to the retreating Survey Corps in a last attempt at recovering the Coordinate, but there was no moving with the Titans surrounding him, suppressing him. 

It was over. He wouldn’t be able to last against so many Titans on his own. Bertholdt’s Titan was useless in a retreat. They needed Annie. They needed Marcel.

_ This was all his fault.  _

In an act of hopelessness and indignation, he picked up one of the smaller Titans and hurled it at their formation. He didn’t care who he killed. He didn’t care. He was on the brink. He was in a corner. So, he hauled another onto his shoulders, and he threw. If Eren was eaten, all the better. Perhaps the one to inherit his Titan would be less of a maniac. Perhaps, they’d be like Marcel. Then, they could go home.

_ Home… _

With that on his mind, he could move. With that on his mind, he could push through hordes of Titans to his goal. In the face of Death, in the face of failure, he could do anything if home was the goal. 

_ Lightning… _

No, that wasn’t lightning. What was that? 

_ Was that… the Coordinate? _

What was that scream?

All of the Titans upon his back, all of the Titans begging for his nape, left him. They all ran past him, away, to devour another Titan. It was a Pure Titan. There was no reason for them to target it.

_ Unless… _

Eren had the Coordinate. He could  _ use  _ it. The situation couldn’t be worse. Eren, of all people… 

_ We have to get it back. _

_ The last person in this world who should have that power is you, Eren.  _

**_“Stay back, you bastards! I’ll kill all of you!”_ **

Eren’s voice reverberated in his very soul. That lightning was behind his eyes again, and he knew it was over. There was no escaping the horde Eren directed their way. There was no escaping his sins. Eren had promised an excruciating death; this was it. He would be devoured if he didn’t run. He would be devoured if he ran. 

_ Bertholdt… I can’t keep him safe! _

Bertholdt was screaming. There was nothing he could do. There was nothing. 

_ Nothing… _

But then, something so inexplicable happened. 

Ymir came back.Ymir saved Bertholdt. Ymir fought the Titans along with him. For some reason, she’d chosen them; for some reason, he’d live another day. So, he ran. He ran until he couldn’t run anymore. He ran until his mind was numb. He ran until Ymir had to take over. And she ran until they were atop Wall Maria, the same Wall they’d destroyed those many years ago.

And, as they caught the breath they hadn’t anticipated in their lungs, he found only one question upon his lips.

“Ymir, why did you come back for us?”

“Well… Must be because I’m an idiot.” They didn’t laugh. “I’m here so you’ll have something to hand over. You guys can’t go home empty handed, right?”

He couldn’t believe it. “Do you understand there’s no hope of you being rescued if we go home from here? If you’re going to run… Now’s the time.”

“What’re you talking about, dumbass? I’m tired out. I’ve just had enough. I’m done.”   
In that moment, he had to agree. He felt done. Done with the hand he’d been dealt; done with the world; done with life. 

“Ymir, why did you rescue me?” It seemed Bertholdt didn’t believe it either. 

“Maybe because I heard your voice… If you hadn’t come to destroy this Wall, I would’ve been stuck in an endless nightmare. All I did was repay a debt. I’m the only one who knows about your situation, too… I’m the same way… I was hopeless on my own.” She reached toward the sky. The gesture pained him. He’d seen another hand reach for the stars so many times. 

“Thank you, Ymir… I’m sorry.” Bertholdt was crying. If Reiner didn’t feel absolutely void, he would be as well.

“It’s fine… Being a goddess doesn’t feel so bad, either.”

He didn’t know about that.

But, something stuck with him. She’d said she would have been in an endless nightmare if they hadn't come to destroy the Wall. As he watched the stars parade across the sky, he had to agree, at least in some respect. If he’d never come there, he never would have experienced  _ life.  _ He never would have experienced  _ friendship _ . He never would’ve experienced  _ love _ . Within the Walls, he’d found a love for the World he’d never known. He’d wished for forever. He’d wished for a future. He’d  _ planned  _ a future. He’d found love. 

_ He’d found (f/n). _

She was everything he’d wanted. She was everything he’d known. She was everything he was never meant to know. 

But, now, he realized that that destruction was a double edged sword. That destruction had led him to his present moment. That destruction had initiated his own endless nightmare, and there was no deliverance.

_ You deserve it, Reiner.  _


	33. RM12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry it took so long for me to update this! :( I hit a bit of a slump and couldn't transform my plans for this story into words. But now I'm back! Hopefully the next chapter won't take so long to come out of me lol But in other news, @nqzyq over on tumblr made fanart for this story T-T It's honestly so beautiful, so please check it out! With that said, onto the story! :)  
> https://chillax-kass-w.tumblr.com/post/626363036181102592/chillax-kass-nqzyq-felt-the-need-to-draw

Arrival was tainted with the stain of past memories. As soon as (f/n) set foot in her new squad’s temporary home, she felt the sum of everything and nothing in her bones. How fitting...

It was surrounded by walnut trees.

How cruel of the world, to cage her in the trees that stood for discernment and wisdom, for loss, for misfortune. How absolutely unfortunate that she’d imparted her love for them on the one person who deserved no trust. Wisdom: she swore she possessed it.  _ He  _ swore she owned it. She’d prided herself in analyzing people, in finding the cogs that spin their lives.

_ And she’d been wrong. _

What was pride? She’d forgotten. Inadequacy raged in her hands. She had to heal; she had to keep her hand well rested. 

That hand, which had saved the enemy, had painfully reopened, along with her heart. She felt sore in the worst of ways; she felt. 

Stitches were useless in the grand scheme of the world. 

“(f/n), before you get settled in, we’d like to ask you a few questions.” Hange and Moblit pulled her to the dining table. When she sat down, she found her eyes drawn to the window, to freshly brown ladders of leaves, climbing and climbing and falling again. She wished she could climb into the sky, or bury herself in the earth. At least then her place in the world would feel cemented and sure. Dirt and vapor asked no questions. “I know this is difficult, but we need all the information we can gather on Reiner and Bertholdt. So, can you tell me how you met?”

In all honesty, she didn’t want to speak. There was nothing pertinent to be said, no value to her words. But information was needed, and if she had anything, it was information. Her misfortune lay in not knowing what to do with it.

Where was Purpose?

“We met in the dining hall. Bertholdt was the only one who’d talk to me at first, but he volunteered Reiner to help me with hand to hand combat.”

“I see. Did he ever show cause for concern? Purposely harm you?”

_ Why would he do that?  _

“No, he was always kind. He definitely took it easy on me.” She laughed. The memories were light behind her eyes. 

“So you formed a friendship with them. How close would you say you were?”

“I was friends with both of them, but I was closer to Reiner. We spent a lot of time talking together, and I taught him everything I know.”

“What do you mean ‘everything I know’?”

“Everything I’ve learned about our world. The names of the flowers and trees and animals and the way things work.”

“So your conversations never involved anything pertaining to the military, Interior, or Eren in any way?”

“No, save for the time I told him about my father’s death. He’d questioned the history of the Walls and was punished accordingly.”

“I’m sorry,” Hange bowed her head. The apology was out of place.

“It’s fine.”

“To continue, did Reiner ever act noticeably suspicious?”

“No, never. He was always kind, always helping. What was there to suspect?” Hange’s eyes were questioning as they met Moblit’s. What was there to question? That’s when she remembered the absolute agony of his betrayal, and she knew there were no more words to be had. Avoidance couldn’t hold out long, nor could her tears. 

“Hmmm, he never even hinted at his identity? Not in the slightest?”

“No…” Her voice shattered; her resolve followed. Grief knew no time, but at least she quelled the sob in her throat. She couldn’t stop herself from crying. She couldn’t stop anything. 

“How odd—“

“Hange, I think that’s enough.” Moblit was assertive. He was kind. She felt she didn’t deserve it, but there were no words left. 

“Ah, oh, I see. Well, before we go, I snagged this for you, (f/n),” Hange held a small item out to her. As she took it, she realized it was a leatherbound book. “Ilse seemed to find solace in writing her thoughts, so I took up the practice after we found her journal. I find it’s one of the greatest ways to deal with grief.” Placing her hand over (f/n)’s, Hange sent her a solemn smile. The gesture caused the (h/c)’s tears to fall harder, so she showed her thanks with a nod. “Keep that hand rested though, especially when you’re writing. The others should arrive later. We’ll see you again soon, okay?” Another nod, and the two were gone. 

She was alone. 

She hadn’t been alone in years. She was alone in body, and she was alone in mind. There were people to look forward to, people she cared for were on their way, but her heart found no solace there. Solace had been associated with hazel eyes and homely smiles. 

Home should never have been found there. 

She was alone, surrounded by walnut trees and sat before empty pages. There was dust in the corners, spiderwebs above. The windows were open. Fresh air was pushing the stagnant. This home was to become a home again after years of unuse, but she felt her own shutters closing and locks being turned. 

There were blank pages before her and walnuts outside. 

She opened the door, stepping out to admire the decaying brown upon grass. Dying grass. Walnut husks were poisonous despite their rich inner fruit. They were tainting the soil, staining the earth with earth itself. So she gathered them. The motions were familiar, painfully so. But, unlike that time perhaps a month before, these walnuts had freshly begun to dissolve and sink into the earth. 

They stained her hands hazel.

She filled the bottom of a pot with the fruits of her labor, covering them with water and leaving them to simmer. She found herself drifting with the aroma of the air, cleaning the cobwebs and the dust and the floor. She was meticulous, but her mind wasn’t in it. She found no thoughts, just the sound of the broom upon the floor and her feet following behind. 

Before long, her concoction was finished, and she strained the thickened liquid from the pulp. The remains of the walnuts returned to the earth outside, to resume their cycle, and she fetched a quill from within the almost barren cabinets in the kitchen. 

Walnut ink was a favorite of her father. All of his writings found form in the deep brown of the liquid, as did the majority of his favorite works housed in his library. According to him, there was great value in the easily produced ink. It was good for archiving, as it faded very little over time. “It lasts as long as the walnut trees grow,” he’d said. 

Folding open the cover of Hange’s gift, (f/n) found herself wary of the blank page before her. The beginning was always difficult. 

She loathed new beginnings. 

Starting again after her father’s death, and again after her mother’s; standing before Keith Shadis; sitting amongst unknown faces; meeting new friends; joining the Survey Corps. All of these experiences brought unfamiliarity, and she thrived in the familiar. She liked knowing things: knowing there was someone to come home to, someone to sit with, someone to talk to, someone who knows her as well. Understanding was her greatest friend. She loved to understand the dynamic of the world, and that bled into her everyday life.

Familiarity was a well oiled machine, and a cog was missing now. An important one. 

That was a good place to start. 

The beginning of the end. 

_ Reiner, _

_ Hange questioned me today. Asked me about our friendship. Wanted to know if you ever gave me reason to suspect you.  _

_ How was I supposed to say I had never been so sure of someone? _

_ You became the foundation for my new home. You helped me when I knew you loathed the idea. You opened your doors to me, which I knew weren’t easy to unlock. And, when I asked you to sit under the stars with me, you said yes despite your apprehension.  _

_ Do you know how special that was for me? _

_ I associate the stars with my mother because she told me that they belonged to me, that they were everyone who ever loved me and everyone who ever will and that she will one day join them to watch over me, over them. Because of this, I associate them with safety. I never share my safety with those who are unsafe.  _

_ You were so safe to me.  _

_ And I gave you everything I hold dear to me. I gave you my secrets and my knowledge. I gave.  _

_ After Marco died, I told you not to blame yourself because I know how easy that is. I’ve been through it before, and I experience it endlessly. Blame is a heavy burden, especially when Death is involved. And I saw it in your eyes. I saw the pain. So I told you that it wasn’t your fault.  _

_ Now, I question everything.  _

_ Because what if I was wrong? Were you truly blameless? I suppose I’ll never know. But the fact remains that you cried for him, and that torments me.  _

_ A bringer of genocide weeps for one cadet. A cadet he likely could have killed years before. I do not know what this means, and that scares me.  _

_ I’m scared. _

_ And what scares me even more is that you were the one I cried into. You were the one I looked to for solace on our first expedition. You were the one who comforted me. You wrapped bloodstained hands around my shoulders, and I allowed it.  _

_ I allowed you into my life.  _

_ I gave you my life.  _

_ I almost gave you my heart, Reiner!  _

_ Just before you tore it out, wrenched it from my unknowing chest, I pondered giving it to you. I didn’t want to lose you, and I wanted you to know before the chance of Death appeared again, so I almost told you, as you held me. I almost told you.  _

_ I loved you, Reiner.  _

Knocks resounded upon the door, and (f/n)’s heart pounded in return. She quickly closed the cover of her journal, not caring if the still wet ink bled. Anxiety clouded her blood. What if someone were to see her thoughts? What if someone knew of the confession she had written? The thought made her shrivel in on herself. 

Her squad, her friends, were outside. She had been waiting for them. Yet, as she rose from her seat and discarded her previous thoughts, she couldn’t help but feel like she was waiting for something that would never come. 


	34. M20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the long wait yet again, but here's another chapter! :)  
> I also wanted to ask everyone, how would you feel about side stories? They could be requests or just random little things that don't fit into the main storyline. I just thought that'd be a fun way to have some happy moments even if they're not canon, because this story is about to just get angsty...  
> Also if you'd like to chat or see what I'm up to, here's my tumblr! https://www.tumblr.com/blog/chillax-kass  
> Thank you so much for reading! I love you all <3

“I miss the lake.”

Reiner laughed. Beside him, (f/n) sighed despite her smile. Above them, the stars performed their signature waltz, but there were no ripples to reflect their slow dance. There was a chill in the summer air, so the two were pressed shoulder to shoulder, their backs against slanted tree bark. Reiner’s fingers tangled themselves in the grass, an absentminded quirk he’d picked up in the absence of sand to bury his hands in. 

His fingers yearned to be tangled in her hair, though. 

“I do too, but this is fine, don’t you think?”

The warmth he felt was immense, as if the stars were burning between their skin. She was so close to him. He could feel her breath. He could see her boundaries, but she was limitless. She was everything. 

“I guess so. But it just doesn’t feel the same.”

Well, that was because it wasn’t. Back then, Reiner wasn’t aware of his own heartbeat. Back then, he was content to stay apart from the girl, a distance between them that simultaneously felt small and immeasurable. Now, he was content with leaning against her; now, he was scared of leaning too far. He didn’t want to leave; he didn’t want to push her away.

His heartbeat was the metronome that set the scene. 

They remained there for what felt like a short eternity, when finally (f/n)‘s head fell limp against his shoulder, her hair tickling his neck. An intake of breath filled his lungs as the metronome sped double time. Her hand was near his. Just barely, he could feel her fingertips. Just barely, he could feel the fan of her breath. Just barely, he willed himself to move. All of his hopes filled his fingertips as they stumbled, entwining with hers with a hesitancy he’d rarely known. All at once his skin burned. All at once, he knew this was the eternity he craved. There was no lacking, only that of worries and fear. They didn’t have a place there. He needed nothing but that moment. 

She was the moment. 

So, he closed his eyes, and he wondered how he’d ever survived without someone like her. There was something so indescribable about his feelings in that time. He was supporting her, her head against him, but she was supporting him in body and soul. It was amazing how time had changed their relationship, with a speed that had his mind trailing far behind. Without thought, she’d become the structure of his life, but he’d willingly build himself around her, again and again until he had nothing left to give. 

“How dare you?” His eyes flew open at those words, and (f/n) was tearing her fingers from his. He’d never seen such an expression upon her face. Malice swam in her eyes. Everything had been so right; everything was so wrong. Violation: he saw it, he felt it, he created it. “I hate you, Reiner! You’re the worst thing to ever happen to me! Just d—”

With a jolt, he sat up straight. His back was frigid, stiff and sore from sleeping upon Wall Maria. Even after he destroyed it, it continued to break down his soul, even in the smallest of ways. A subtle loathing brewed in his stomach as he gazed down at his hands. They were still warm, as if a phantom heat was touching the very essence of his being.

He hated it. 

“Oh, you’re up.” To his left, Bertholdt was tending to a fire. The scene was too familiar. For the last month or so, the two were left to their own devices, lying in wait for Zeke to return. They’d sent Ymir with him, away toward certain death. She was their savior; she was a martyr. Zeke had alluded to the fact that Porco would be her successor as the Jaws, but he gave no timeframe for the transfer.

He didn’t know how to feel about that. 

He’d yet to converse with Bertholdt. He was afraid to speak. So much had happened in so little time, and now all they had was time.

Time was the ultimate punisher, for it always offered introspective eyes. 

How could he not contemplate his place in life at a time such as that? How could he not feel completely void? 

At some point in every person’s life, something of importance is shattered. For some, it’s a favorite dish. For others, it’s a promise. For him, it was the trust of his friends. For him, it was the heart of the greatest person in his life. For him, it was his own heart. 

Even the greatest armor in the world can’t protect its wearer when they are to blame. 

Blame, such a simple word. He knew it well. So many times, it weaved its way into his head. So many times, he saw it in someone else. So many times…

_ “It’s not your fault, Reiner. Please, please, don’t blame yourself for things out of your control.” _

Was that moment the best or worst of his life? He didn’t know. He didn’t know if things would’ve gone differently if she wouldn’t have approached him the night Marco went up in flames, the night all that was certain went up in flames, the night that his identity tore at its last seams. 

The mission had always been his greatest focus, for it blazed the trail to freedom with his family. He’d trained for it, bled for it. It was the light at the end of the tunnel that was his childhood. When had that light grown dim? 

He supposed the first watt taken away was that of his father. When he’d learned that his father hated him and never wished to live together with him and his mother, he’d questioned his goal. He’d always longed for a life with his father, one that felt whole; his father had shattered that. But then his mother had reiterated the idea that once he eradicated the devils, all would be right, and he’d believed her because the other option was too painful, too destructive. 

The second watt was taken when he’d seen the people within the Walls. Just as his people did, they lived in relative poverty. However, the inside of their Walls felt so much larger, so much freer than his. And he’d loathed that, so he’d ignored their humanity. 

The third watt was taken when he’d joined the military. He’d met so many  _ people  _ there. He’d made so many friends. They had respected him, they had cared for him. How could devils act as they did? Were they truly devils, or was the demon inside them just as invisible as the one inside him, inside his family, inside his people? Were they his people too? Or did that matter in the grand scheme of things?

And then, all of his light was found somewhere else. It wasn’t instantaneous. Trust never could be. Love never could be. But (f/n) was some sort of treasure, some kind of goal that trumped his own. And he almost let it all go for her at first, almost. But Bertholdt stood as a beacon, leading him back down his blazing path. 

Then Marco. 

Then Marco, and everything shifted. He was reborn in (f/n)‘s arms. Life didn’t seem so linear; time didn’t seem so imminent. Beauty, he realized it was everywhere. The stars were the same; the stars were different. They remembered him, they watched him, they belonged to her. She gave them to him. 

She gave him everything. 

In his eyes, she literally handed him the world. Every word she spoke opened a doorway to knowledge and experiences he never would have partaken in without her. He knew the beauty of the daffodil, the climate of the walnut, the habitat for every little creature the eye could see. Mundanity was reborn, and he with it, for now purpose was not singular, and there were no wasted moments. Even rest, even just breathing, was valuable, and she’d taught him that. 

But it was inevitable for something so pure to be broken by someone so terrible. Even changing paths does not cover one’s footprints. The evidence is always there. The memories are always there. 

His memories were tormenting him. 

What if he’d never met her? What if she’d stayed away? What if she was only a passing acquaintance?

_ What if she’d let him die...? _

“Zeke should be coming today.”

“Oh.” It was all he could muster. If that was the case, then purgatory would be over soon, and hell would soon arrive. He knew he’d have to kill so many of his friends in the coming weeks, and soon, he’d have to be in her presence. 

_ Would he have to kill her? _

How poetic that would be, to crush the soul who’d sparked life into him, to bring Death to what made him so, so alive. If he was truly to become the Devil in this situation, then he would have to destroy all that was good to him. 

He had to be prepared. 

He’d spent almost a month thinking of her, pondering his wrongdoings, pondering her rights. He supposed that’d be enough. He’d lived their lives many times in those lonesome days. He’d created other beginnings; he’d created other endings. Was that enough?

Was it enough to only imagine their lives together? 

To imagine their first kiss, how timid he’d be, how he’d wrap his arms around her, how he’d rest his forehead against hers and tell her just how revolutionary she’d been in his life. To imagine the words  _ I love you  _ spilling from her lips, over and over again because she loved stressing important words. To imagine taking her back to his home, introducing her to his mother, turning the tides and teaching her about the world for a change. To imagine how mesmerized she’d be crossing the sea, experiencing the technology and science on the mainland. To imagine living together with her, waking up to a warm bed with her in his arms, tangling his fingers in her hair and pulling her closer, remaining there without a worry in the world. To imagine even making love to her, becoming one with her, and one day creating a family with her. 

_ Was that enough for him? _

But then, he remembered his sins, and all of that dissolved yet again. She could never love him. She could never trust him. He’d already sealed the death of two of their friends, first Marco, then Ymir. 

He’d never forget the regret in her eyes as she wrote that letter to Historia; he’d never forget the weight of it by his heart. 

He wondered if that was how he looked, absolutely broken down. And he wondered if he should write a letter professing his love as well. But then, he saw (f/n) tearing it up, and he did so himself. The angry, betrayed eyes that haunted his dreams began again to devour his soul, and he doubted. 

He’d torn up so many letters.

And he was angry. He was angry with himself, for leaving her with so many questions. He was angry with Marley, for even sending him in the first place. He was angry with his mother, for conceiving him with a Marleyan man and setting his life into motion. And he was angry with Life itself for making him an Eldian from outside the Walls. 

He couldn’t bring himself to be angry at her, even as he turned his anger toward those within the Walls. 

Clenching his fists, he willed himself to forget again, if only to make anger easier. Forget the good times, forget the bad. Forget the lake. Forget her eyes. Forget everything that ever happened within the Walls. Because these were the people that caused his family’s suffering. These were the Devils that brought his people shame. It was they who were responsible for every Eldian killed for treason, every Eldian sent onto the frontlines, every Eldian that took their own life. All of these lives, all of these hopes and dreams, were destroyed by the Devils in Paradis, and murderers don’t deserve mercy. 

_ (((Keep telling yourself that.))) _

Then, over the horizon, he beheld a figure blocking the dawn sun, seventeen meters tall, footsteps forebodingly loud even at such a distance, and the shadows stretching across the entity’s face chilled him to the bone. It was approaching. The footsteps were getting louder. The shadows were growing shorter. And, as he watched on with tense shoulders, he debated trying his hand at one last letter, for there was little time left. 

_ Hell was on its way.  _


End file.
